All that is
last night hbeb called me as usual. I didn't answer because i was at a dinner. i msg him when i get home and he decides to call me. even tho it's like almost 1am. anyway we talk and he says i might as well stay until december because w're already in november. obviosult this will help me agreat deal, and i'm ha[pyt to hear that even tho id on't express it outright. then he says theres something else he wants to ask me. My heart sinks of course at the thought of what it might be this time but i say "yea go ahead" and he says "is it me or is my cousin acting weird lately?" I think to myself "FFS" and I say "what do you mean?" and he says "he asked me yesterday in the house "is it me or is am acting a bit weird?" .... then in adiditon to that, he says "then yesterday night wen we bumped into you on the road he was acting a bit weird, and then when we walked off he said "women" and then when i asked him what he meant he said "I know something you don't"
And then hbb asked me whether everything was ok, and is it him or can he sense some awkwardness? And I said no nothing. and then i clumsily tried to explain it away and say 'we mess around and joke and play and now he's going back to dubai so i told him let's keep our distance" and then i tried to leave it at that. I dont doubt that hbb knew and already knows what is going on. and i even suspect that he knows exactly whats' been happening because T has opened up to him and maybe T even tried to get Hbb to talk to me and find out how i feel. The audacity of men.
Why the fuck would he be trying to insinuate anything to anyone? Why is he tryna cause drama. He's clearly salty about the fact that I'm tryna fob him off. and so what if i am tho? we're not together and i owe him no explanation. what gets me is that he insisted on he and i having a chat the other night, and i explained to him that i wanted to keep things distant because "i knew that i would be the one to lose out int he end when he goes off back to dubai" he seemed to buy it. so why now is he doing this childishness? He's obvs looking to vent to someone and wants hbb to poke his head in. He probs feels like i've gotten away with it too easily. during our chat he also said 'i don't give away my feelings easily and when i do that i expect them to be respected'. i was thking nigga wt fuck do you think u are? "i expect them to be respected?" just cos u open up to someone doesn't mean they're bound to you in any way. the entitlement is real. the way i see it is that we would both have gotten bored at some point. i just hapend to get bored before him and he's feeling soem type of way.
And what gets me even more is that after that night happened, where he crossed a boundary (we were sleeping on my bed and i was so tired and wanted to rest and he kept trying it on trying to have sex. then i was woken up a few hours later to find his hands wandering in my pants trying to finger me. then i shook him off and said "i wanna sleep t" then i fell asleep again and woke up to find him this time on top of me as i was sleeping on my stomach) trying to put his dick in me. and then i said no come one stop. then he continued. and eventually i kinda gave in and let it happen. and as he was doing it, he said "you knew i was gonna get you didn't you, you knew I was gonna do this to you didnt you" and i just let it happen. I felt so disgusted with him after that. the idea that even tho i made it clear before we slept that i didn't wanna do anything. he still tried it. it was as if how i felt and my own enjoyment was secondary. and my body was somethng he could just use. it makes me mad. in the morning i tried to move away from him and he kept coming closer in the bed. then a few days later after i hadnt spoken to him he said "is there something weird going on? cos you've been acting differently. and i thought to myself 'wow.' the cheek. he really thinks that was ok? it hasn't crossed his mind that wat he did was wrong? i was just like wtf. then i told him it was cos of the other night it made me feel weird and i wanted distance now. then he tried to apologise and say that that wasn't what he was tryina do, and he's not that kinda person blah blah blah. and i said ok, but i still feel like this. and can he respect that. and then he went and bought me flowers. he leaves them outside and knocks on my door and says someone left a parcel for u outside. and i go out and find the flowers there. obvs he left them. then a good two hours pass and i don't say anything to him cos i'm in my room. then eentually when we see eachother downstairs i say to him, did you leave those flowers? And he says sarcastically "no it was the flower fairy". then i say thank you. not because i feel thankful but because i have to. it's a kind of manipulation. you do something to wrong someone, they're upset with you and rightly so, then you go and give them something that means they'll have to 'thank you'. and it just kinda levels it out in your mind. and then after that for some reason he thought that i had somehow forgiven him. even tho i told him that i wanted some distance from him because of what happened. He didn't seem to be able to accept that. and he continued trying to cross my boundary, for instance if i didn't speak to him for a few days he'd come and say 'i feel like there's still something in the air' and id be thinking u dumb nigga of course there's still something in the air, after what you did, u think flowers fixed it? fucking prick.) and it makes that even after crossing this boundary and violating me he feels he has a right to be near me. my initial instinct after hbb brought that up was to yell at T and say wtf u think ur doing? but i have to tread carefully. I already shat where i sleep and i need to mitigate the situation with the security of my stay and my reputation in the house in mind. Here's the plan:
Act chill. I won't raise anything with T. I won't ask him why he said anything to anyone. I'll just be normal. I'll probably try and extend some niceties from a distance - stuff like cook and leave him something out, stuff like buy stuff from outside donuts etc and leave him some out etc. Basically make him think I'm his friend again but just try and avoid him still. because i can see him turning spiteful and considering we live int he same house with his family, that's leaving me too fucking vulnerable and he knows that i don't want anyone knowing.
He's a fucking idiot bottom line. How could he think tho that someone like me could be with someone like him?
Can you imagine? the fact that he feels like i owe him something?