always wth love
Tomorrow am gong somewhere to honor family member that scares me deeply I wish I had a good excuse why to not go? Ima not ready to look through that part of me. I haven't gone to a funeral since I was 14 that was 5 years ago, I know there are other times I'd gone too in the mist being high school I cant remember it. When i heard someone has gone into the stars I think bout being seventeen I wanted to end it all of me. I really was lost who I was? I was very insecure. I was conceiving to close people that i met in my life. I talked about death for two years that's what i wanted so badly, i cried and secretly harmed without a care, i skipped meals, wrote dark stuff on "here" to proof it! I look at death now terrifies me now because im in a relationship with James, i love so much that cant imagine without! I know we all going be in the stars sometime but am not ready to see it again. Im sorry ! How can i cope with it this time? Over the summer Id gone through a lot within a lost of dog that was strange for me. Tomorrow is coming to say my respects of that family member. No one knows i wanted to leave this world. I remember year that was 19 it was few months before graduation, i was on my iPod at the time sent something disturbing to a classmate that next day called to counseling office than we talked about what was going on in my head. I didn't realized it at time that police officer was there to take me to hospital to see a psychiatrist . I remember calling my mom was at work, since than that has brought out worse of me. ... I have never really faced it always has been hidden. Am still hidden that part of me with family. The clothes I wear tomorrow isn't my choice its all honoring the one who's in the stars. So tomorrow i cry and i will be sad again but, will linger in me because my depression. i never got diagnosis but i know that's how i feel bout my emotions. Its questions me, will i need to go therapy after this? Will i spiral into blackout again. I Really hope not!