All that is
we can't be friends
i've just messaged ty.
"Hey hope you're good. I've thought about it and if i'm being honest, I don't think we can be friends"
He responded immediately with:
Hey. I wasn't expecting that.
Then a few minutes later, "why?" and almost immediately calls me. I don't answer.
Then he messages a few minutes later saying "oh so you're just gonna leave it like that"
Then about 45 mins later he texts me saying :
"i'm pissed i ruined this.....xxxx xxxxx x
The day after he texted to say "can we speak tonight?" knowing that there's a limit to which I can do the whole ignore thing, I reply him hours later to say "yes, but not tonight." He responds with just 'ok'.
That was on tuesday. i think.
He's just called again. it took me by surprise. I thought of answering, but i didn't. i wasn't prepared. Then I emailed elmch to ask her what i should say. the thing is i must have written down three or four times the things that i wanted to say to him. but for some reason, at that momtent when i saw his name flashing on my screen, i panicked. Then about 15 minutes pass and he calls again. the ring lasts for ages, just like the first time. this time he leaves a voice note behind, which excites me. but when i listen to it i just hear background noise etc. a part of me even wondered whether he left it there deliberately. Did his phone have some kind of function that would tell u whether the recipient had listened to the vn? Or perhaps he would leave it there and then call me back immediately knowing that if my line were engaged, there's a good chance that i was listening to his vn - a good sign, he'd take it as.
I decided to respond to him on whatsapp, saying "i'll call you". That way, he'd know that I wasn't necessarily ignoring him, but that I could just be busy at the time with something. Also I'll call you puts the power in my hands. My only worry is that my rope may be getting short, and his patience running out. At what point will he think to himself, 'fuck her - that's just rude, i haven't done anything wrong'? or at what point will he stop caring. Throughout this whole cat and mouse thing, i'm orchestrating, that fear is ever-present. that i may be overestimating the extent to which he cares about me. That said though, even if my coolness provokes anger, that's gotta be a good thing right? it would mean that he's emotionally invested at least. ideally i want to draw it out long enough for his pining to mount and mount, but not cross the line where we'll start drifting apart. I haven't even decided exactly what it is i'm going to say to him. or what i want to achieve. the truth is, I'm quite enjoying (well enjoying maybe isn't the right word) but I find myself taking solace from this period of unknowing, and limbo. I feel in control, and at least his calls and texts indicate that he cares. it feels better than the purgatory of the last few weeks following our night together. where i wanted to text him and hear from him but i couldn't because i didn't wanna come across as too into him and also i had no right to - he's got a girlfriend. This is much better. preferable. this way, I'm controlling the situation to a certain extent - now he's the one who's thinking about me. If everything he says is true at least. So I kind of want to prolong this period as long as possible - the idea is to see him when we're in nigeria together. but I don't know whether this coolness will sustain until december - that's another month and a bit.... We'll still have to talk at some point on the phone or in person. I think the plan will be in this order.
1. Text him on Monday evening asking 'is now a good time?' or 'is now ok?'
2. After he replies with a yes, I'll call him.
3. Tell him why I don't think we can be friends right now
4. Plan on meeting? Or will that be counter productive?
The other thing is i so want to share this with someone in the circle, ideally sotny, but i know i can't because i don't want sot to be thinking 'oh can i invite her or him to this place?' will it be awkward?