Todayy

A southern life
2017-10-23 02:40:36 (UTC)

I did it

It's not as bad as it seems at all but to me it is I promise you this is not a big deal so don't waste your time on this.

I looked at his profile again and I hate it because I was doing so good but I just couldn't help myself. He's happy which is good he looks handsome. I don't know why I do this to myself. honestly, I don't know how I am not depressed all the time. My imagination is what really distracting me from the cruel depressing reality and I hate it because reality makes me act but living in my head slows me down so fucking much. I have no one except my family and I have no job and I never take risks. I hate that I am living this way not doing anything and I hate that it takes me to look at him or check up on him to be motivated or inspired. why can't I do this for myself? like why does it take his happiness to make me act and actually do something in my life? It's like he still has a hold on me. why don't I take any risk? why am I so scared? I have nothing to lose and I just feel like I am wasting my time. my heart turns cold, it doesn't feel broken or hurt it feels like I am burning cold.

I do this thing where I push people away because if they cared enough they would have come back and to a point it makes sense but I need to realize that I am hurting people too. it makes it seem like I don't care. I know I need to catch up on that 100-day happy challenge which is going good I just forget to write about it every day. I am going to try something new. I will be doing the 100 happy day challenge and I will also be doing a 100-day risk challenge because you have to realize I have LITERALLY nothing to lose so why not? plus it would get met out of this doing nothing phase.

also, I feel hurt unloved and sad when I looked at his profile I hate looking at it because it makes me sad but then again it slaps reality to my face and it makes me want to act. I decided to look at it today because I saw him in his car and I was driving right behind him. when I was at the store I don't know why but I got this sense that I should be looking for someone and then it formed into I should be looking for him but then I thought why? well because you look shitty and you don't want him to look at you while you look shitty you want him to look at you while you look great and hot. And I was like yeah makes sense. and then I got in the parking lot and I stared at his white car all the way across the parking lot and I just thought what if that's his car? and when the car started and the windows rolled down it was him. It was weird because I felt nervous and numb at the same time. Plus like the sense that I got that he was nearby? like wtf? is it just a coincidence? or like is it like soul mate shit? also, like if he is then that's okay but I want to spend my time and fall in love with others!! Like I know I still have feelings for him but like I still want to try other dishes. Like when I would see my crush or my last ex I would freeze up I would just have this mini heart attack and be so nervous but when I saw him I didn't feel any of that just numb and nervous which is a new feeling for me.

He is out doing great things from the looks of his profile and he looks handsome and he is showing his face more and he is actually smiling. He is also religious now because??? I'm sorry but since when the fuck was he ever religious why does every white person turning religious? like every person turns religious when they are getting over someone. like yeah go ahead and believe in your god but come-on you weren't worshipping him when things were going well. I think it's okay and it's fine to express your love for god but I feel like your also betraying him because he supposes to be the there for the bad and good not just the bad. And him being religious is bullshit sorry but not sorry that's fucking hypocritical. I am crying or well I want to cry as I write this my arms are getting cold my heart feels colder and I am so sad because he wasn't like that when he was with me. he looks so cute! he's growing out his hair and his beard and I know I did a lot for him because let me tell you he did none of that he thought he was ugly so he never showed a picture of his face and he ESPECIALLY never showed his smile with his teeth because he hated how he looked and when I was with him yes I boosted his confidence but when I was with him I kept asking him to post pictures like that with him and he refused and it's just it's not like him to do those things which like on a level is good because he's better but it's just.

I know it's over I know he doesn't love me anymore I know he left me because he didn't love me anymore. it's just it hurts knowing I am not getting what I wanted I am not getting what I worked so hard for I am not getting to love him anymore and he's going to do that with someone else and probably already doing those things that I worked so hard for that I have always wanted, I just wanted to be the one. I was but not anymore, loved by this man. why can I not move on? it's because I still love him but why? why can't you understand heart that you are not loved! that you weren't cared enough about! that you are rejected! why do you continue to feel something that is dead?

I want to move I want to do things I want to be happy but I am stuck here doing nothing unhappy.
I am and I will change that. Not for him but for me. I do deserve better for myself. I deserve to go and explore new things I deserve to express the things I love and I also deserve to want to do things for myself because I should love myself I should and will impress myself and I want to find new friends and new love. I will find someone new someone cute who I can sing with and go on dates with and watch movies with and spend holidays with, maybe it won't be this year that I get to do these things with but that's okay I will be independent and work and bake and do holiday shit on my own and hang out or make new friends to hang out with because I deserve better for myself because I want to love myself and value myself. so there.




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