✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
A Piece Without A Puzzle
Dear Reader,
Ever since I was little, I've had a defense mechanism for when shit hits the fan... So that everything can just go back to "normal" as quickly as possible..
And this week has been one long use of that defense.
It's normally really hard to write about shit days after it's happened, because I try to pretend that it didn't happen. I try to just resume life as normal. My family just plays along.
Saturday, I nearly got kicked out for the most ridiculous reason.
On weekends, when my aunt Rhonda is keeping her granddaughter who is just a baby, (the baby that I've been babysitting for the last few weeks) and I usually spend the night with her so that I can help. Her daughter, Amy, the baby's mom and my cousin, sometimes calls to let me know, and to ask if I can, which I always do even if I don't want to because I know it's really hard when you're alone. Plus, I love the baby. She makes me happy, and I love spending time with her, and Rhonda.. and I get to be away from home. Falling asleep is hard, I'll admit because she doesn't have WiFi.
So, I was eating my dinner. Amy calls me, and asks me if I'll spend the night with her. I say yes, and then she asks me if I'll also meet Rhonda at her house (She lives right behind us) because she needs help unloading her car, and she had a chance to use the bathroom, or eat anything. I tell her I will.
So, I scramble to get my overnight bag together, and feed the dogs... And she got there before I was ready. And actually, they're was a truck in her driveway along with her car. My grandma, and I didn't know whether or not it was Danny, or Amy because they both have big trucks.
So, I was still going to get down there because she asked me to be there.. Even if it was Amy, Rhonda would still need me to hold the baby while she tried to eat.
So, I told grandma that I had to go down there, and this conversation follows:
Grandma: "Don't go down there yet!"
Me: "They asked me to when she got there!" (Honestly don't know if she understood me, or heard me. I was walking to my room to get my bag)
Grandma: "No, don't go down there- URGH. FINE JUST GO. GET OUT THEN. GET OUT AND JUST STAY DOWN THERE."
So, Yeah. She just went from 0-100, and obviously that upsets me, but she says crap like that all the time, so I just get my stuff.
I was debating whether or not to take the dogs outside. I was trying to get it done before they came, and I knew if I didn't they'd be pissed at me. I didn't feel like I had time too, but I was going to anyway.
Me: "I'll just take the dogs out."
Grandma: "NO. NO DON'T TAKE THE DOGS OUT. JUST GO. GET OUT OF HERE. JUST GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE."
In the most hateful, angry way possible.
So at that point, I was VERY upset. I shatter when people yell at me.
But I was upset that she had said that to me.. like how could she? She seriously got that angry to the point where she was talking to me as if I deserved to be thrown out. As if I had actually done something wrong.
So, I slam the door.
I slammed it HARD. Harder than I intended to.
And yeah, whatever. It's disrespectful yadda yadda. I can't fight back. I can't be upset. I can't scream. I can't defend myself. They expect me to just sit there and allow them to treat me like garbage. The only thing I felt like I could to let them know that they upset me was slam the fucking door.
And as soon as I slammed it, I knew that it was too hard.. Like there's a level of how hard one can get away with slamming a door,
And I knew one of them would be coming after me for it. I figured it would be grandma.
And, I quickly walked off the porch, and the front door opened behind me, and it was my grandpa standing there, screaming at me to come back, so that he could yell at me for slamming the door.
I stood up straight, and shakily said "No!" I waved him him away, and started to walk some more, and he screamed at me to come back again, and I stopped and tried to argue back saying something like "she treats me like that.." but I was far too upset to argue with him.
He was repeating for me to come back this instant. I waved him away again.
So, I walked around the house.
I couldn't believe that after the way she spoke to me, he would still defend her.
The walk to Rhonda's house was maybe a minute... and I was honestly in shock.
I didn't hear a sound, and I was shaking, and I was on the verge of tears.
I walked into her house, and they immediately could tell something was wrong with me.
I walked by them, and set my bag onto the floor.
They asked me what was wrong, and I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes.
I tried to tell them, but my throat was tight, and I was shaking. I shook my head a lot.
"I told her that you asked me to meet Rhonda, and she just.. (voice broke) yelled at me." I started to cry then.
And that's when the screen door opened.
And grandma stormed inside, and started yelling at me for turning my back on papa when he was yelling at me, and for slamming the door.
And then, she looked at Rhonda, and Amy and just started telling them how I hadn't done a damn thing all day, and she's been working all day long, and how the dogs hadn't been taken out... and then she turned back to me and said "If you're going to act like that again, don't even bother to come back."
And then she turned around, and stormed out.
Rhonda chased after her, trying to explain I think.
And then, Amy just said to not let it get to me.
Golden advice.
She left the trailer, and I just sat down in a chair, put my face in my hands and just started bawling my eyes out.
They stood outside talking for a few minutes, and then Rhonda came in, saw me upset..
And she told me to just go home, and that she was sorry they asked me to spend the night.. and that I should just go home, and do whatever Grandma wanted me to do (She thought that there was something she wanted me to do. Idk.)
I still couldn't talk.
She said for me to just go home again, and that her and the baby would be okay.
I remember thinking.. "Really. You're seriously throwing me back into the lions den."
I knew what would happen if I went back home. And even though I knew, I just got my stuff, and I went out the door anyway.
Amy tried telling me again to just not let it get to me.. and that they may just take the baby back home.
See at this point, nether of them still didn't know what had happened, and I couldn't tell them because I was still choked up. I could only manage to say a few things at a time.. I think I must look scary when I cry, because they all looked at me so strangely.
I walked back, and I went into the house, and she said. "I told you not to come back."
And I said that Rhonda wasn't going to keep the baby. She goes: "Well, go back down there anyway." In a cold, uncaring tone.
I walk into the kitchen where papa was, and apologized for slamming the door, and then I went to my room, got my laptop, and I just walked out the door, shutting it gently that time.
I guess they decided that Rhonda could keep the baby that night anyway, because Amy was on her way out the door leaving when I walked back. I walked back in and told them that she didn't want me to stay.
So, I sat down, and I continued to cry.. because even though I wanted to stop, I couldn't stop.
And so, Amy left, and she told me that she'd stop by and explain what happened.. and apologize. Yeah. It was ridiculous.
I told Rhonda what had happened the best that I could while crying in detail.. and she was for the most-part quiet while I told her.
Rhonda... acted strange.
Like.. I always imagined her acting differently if something like this happened.
She was unusually perky, and upbeat.. and trying to be positive.. almost in a.. ignoring kinda way? Like she was trying to just.. sweep it under the rug. She was nice to me, and she agreed with me that I hadn't done anything wrong.. and they treated me wrongly.. but she like.. I don't know. I guess that explains why she's always sided with grandma all of these years through all the shit.. she kinda just brushes it off. I'm not sure.. I really don't know why she was like that.
I was expecting her to be.. more comforting I guess.
The way she was with her granddaughter kinda just..reminded me that even though I have a grandma, I really don't. Not the way I could...
I haven't cried like that in front of anyone in person in a very long time.. and the last times she's seen it was when I was younger.. I've seen her as a mother-figure for so long, so maybe I expected too much. I don't know.
I've never felt more alone than I did crying in that chair... trying to wipe away the tears... even when I finally stopped crying a few times, it started all over again every time.
Feeling like I was just.. in the way. Like an elephant in the room she didn't want to acknowledge.
I remember thinking over and over how much I wish I was dead.. how I hoped I didn't wake up the next day.
How much better it would be.
Somehow I had just a little bit of WiFi, and I got to message Nick.. and I told him all about it.. and he was concerned because yeah.. I may not even have a home to come back to.
I told him how I wish I could just live with Danny...
And that I missed J..
I do miss him. This is the first time something like this has happened and he hasn't been there..
Because he can't be.. He was always really good when things like this happened.
Rhonda got a call from Amy, and she stepped outside.
The baby looked at me so strangely... like I guess she's never seen anyone cry before... I don't know.
Rhonda came back in, and said that they told Amy that they were fine, and that grandma was just mad because I didn't take the dogs out..
And I quickly reminded her that, I was GOING to take them out, and she told me to leave.
I said of course she's going to pretend she's fine in front of Amanda, and she was going to still be mad at me and treat me like shit.
So.. we just watched the news until bed.
And, Rhonda went to bed earlier than usual.. so I did to.
And, I tried to fall asleep.. and even though I was exhausted, it took me hours. I cried until I finally fell asleep.
The next morning,
My eyelids were swollen from crying.
It was so awkward, and uncomfortable being around them.. Amy and her husband came to get the baby.. and they didn't talk about what happened.. she did say that she had stopped by and talked to them, but that was it.
So... after they leave.. I get my stuff, and I start to go home to see if they'll let me come back.
Rhonda tells me goodbye, and that she was sorry it happened.. And I told her it wasn't her fault.
They both thought it was their fault, and I'm like, no.. it fucking wasn't. She blew up for no reason.. and there was no way we could have known.
I walked up the drive-way.. honestly afraid.. and dreading seeing them.
I went to the door, and tried to open it, and it was locked.
I knocked, and heard footsteps.
She opened the door, and didn't even look at me in the face. She just turned around, and went back to the kitchen.
And that's when the defense mechanism kicks in..
I just pretend that I'm not upset, and that everything's okay. I even try to have conversations with them, and even joke around.. and try to put it behind us.. and they start talking to me, and life resumes as normal.
No, there will never be any sort of apology or acknowledgement from her.
Danny called, and wanted to know if they had a stud finder..
And so, he came over to get it... and I ended up going with him to watch his daughter while they worked on their new house they bought.
I was glad to be out of the house.. and I was glad to be with him, and Heather his older daughter.. and her fiance eventually came over..
And it was a good day.
I did tell Danny what happened.. the best that I could. I didn't really have a lot of time to explain it, and a lot of it was like.. you had to be there kind of thing.
I love being around Danny, and Heather.. but I still felt as though.. I was an outsider.
I'm just a niece, and a cousin.. and as much as I wish I could be part of their family.. I can't.
I felt like I was in the way with them too..
Yesterday was my birthday, and honestly it was good.
I Just.. wanted to write about what happened.
I have said it before.. and I don't know if it just gets easier to live with.. or if it gets harder as I get older..
I just wish I had a real family.. I wish I had parents.
I have no one.. when I get older.. if I ever have kids.. they won't have any grandparents on my side..
They won't have a grandma like Rhonda.. or someone like Danny..
I see how much Heather has depended on her dad to get where she is.. I see how long, and how often kids have to fall back onto their parents before they're financially stable..
and I'm honestly not sure how the fuck I'm supposed to do it.. if I get into a hole.. I'm screwed. I can't mess up.. not even once, or it's over.
It didn't used to bother me like it does now that I'm older..
I used to be okay with being alone..
My mom called yesterday, and left a message..
And I didn't call her back...First time I didn't speak to her when she called.
I honestly just don't want to talk to her anymore.
Because she's not a mom to me.. she doesn't care...
I have been really feeling the void where a parent should be now more than ever.
Even the little things like getting to spend time together, and getting gifts on holidays, and on birthdays, and celebrating those days with each other.. advice, and venting.. and just having someone there behind you who is always there for you, and wants nothing less than your pure happiness in life..
I wish I had that.. because it's the most lonely feeling in the world to be without real, and loving parents..
Sincerely,
JigSaw
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