All that is
as long as i'm staying friends with him it's almost legitimising him being in the wrong. for him to be able to just get back on with it is slightly worrying about your character and i think that needs to be brought to your attention.
what if i told him that i don't think i can be your friend. i'll say:
- So remember that night, i said that i couldn't cross that line with you because you've got a girl. but then i thought raahh I can't even fully be his friend. i don't think i can be your friend right now because of your circumstance and there's too much noise. I can't put my finger on it but there's something about just carrying on as normal after what happened, that feels odd to me. you essentially wore your heart on your sleeves that night and then without breaking a sweat you thought actually lets forget that happened. So can you see how there's a weird disconnect there that I find unsettling and that brings certain questions to my mind, like 'how has this man processed these events that he's able to just carry on with the status quo? is this something he does frequently? or is he just very good at compartmentalising? There's a denial of some sort that i see happening. And in continuing to be your friend i feel as though I'm participating in that denial or at the very least i'm enabling it. and i don't wanna do that because i don't think that can be healthy. And also because I don't want to aid in anything that brings your sincerity and integrity into question in my mind. Being around u feels so natural, but i don't want to aid something that i can only perceive as dishonesty or denial.
u know that time you were talking about going away to some really remote place and disconnecting? i think u need to do that. take some time to go away and be alone with yourself. it might help you be more honest with yourself. I really believe you'll do great things. But anybody who intends to do big things, needs to know what their principles are. and the only way you'll know that is by being honest with yourself. so yea you need to go away and be alone for a week.
I could be bold and say that to him. However, what are the pros and what are the 'what ifs'?
- it could shake him up a bit. let him know i value myself, and i think i'm lit af.
- he tried to do reverse psychology on me, which means it is probs something that he responds to. i think i've seen signs of it happening.
- he seems like the sort who likes to chase as opposed to being chased. and right now altho i'm not full on chasing him, i am teetering on the edge but inviting him to come here and there, and him saying shit like 'i dunno' and 'i'll let u know'
- so by deciding to pull away and letting him know why, it could help to reset the power imbalance that i currently feel. by saying 'i'm not going to be in contact with you that's not necessarily forcing him to make a decision, but it's saying that i have standards too.
- it'll create the illusion of me not being in his life, and he'll feel a sense of loss. and i know that a big part of his excitement for Naija is the fact that i'll be there. so if that's taken away then maybe it'll scare him into some sort of action. then perhaps before we
- give him a chance to miss me a bit or picture what it's like to not have me around
- obvs we wont be completely out of contact. we'll still see each other in events and get togethers (so i hope, at least) and it'll mean that when we do see each other, there'll be some kind of tension present. maybe some kind of longing. so that when we do finally connect in nigeria, he'll have a kinda feeling of dopamine or something.
- what if it creates a wall?
- what if by not speaking these next few months he draws away and we end up not actually seeing each other in naija? what if these next few months of not speaking he becomes more involved with his gf?
- what if it backfires and he actually agrees that it's best not to be friends. i mean am i over estimating how much he even cares about our friendship and our connection? and he decides that 'actually his relationship with his gf is more important and he doesn't wanna screw that up. cos sometimes i can do that, you know? what i perceive or want to perceive is different than what the person intends or how they might feel. that said i do suspect that he's more genuine than most. and i think i'm willing to take the risk.
- what if this is doing too much? what if it comes across as manipulation or twisting his arm or forcing him to make some kind of decision?
what if it's better to wait until nigeria so that he experiences how lit our time there together is, and then he'll come to the realisation by himself? or will that actually backfire and he'll treat it as a kind of different reality than his life in london, and then when goes back to london he'll carry on with the status quo?