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2017-10-16 09:03:33 (UTC)

saturday night

I should have gone home. I was filming sonye that afternoon and it was then i got an unexpected text from tyo saying 'what you doing tonight?' of course i was excited. like fuck he was thinking of me. and even more so cos that morning i had a dream about him. before going to sleep i'd been thinking of him. i couldn't stop thinking about him. i said 'i was gonna be at the studio until about 8'. he said ok ill keep u posted, then i'm thinking ;huh?' nigga ur the one who asked me. then i say 'youre wahala' then he laughs and says sorry he's just tryna figure out what to do cos he's supposed to see his cousin today and he's tryna sort something out. then i said 'lol then you should see them'
then i went to the studio to watch the rushes thinking no more about it and that he wasn't gonna come thru. then around 10 he messages saying 'you still wanna go out?' and i'm excited of course, but i also have my hesitations, being - the timing is late. i also don't like the idea of being stitched onto his plans, i'd ideally want him and i to make plans together form start to finish. also, i know that saying no would have been a nice power play. but alas, greed and infatuation prevailed, and i went along to brixton. when i got there, i had to queue for about 12 mins and i could see him dancing thru the window. and i felt a sense of 'ffs i should have gone home' cos i could already tell our energies were mismatched - he was on a hype he'd warmed up. i'd just arrived and had missed the warm up. so that was annoying and when i went inside i could see a group of girls who were near him, dancing. two were dark skinned black girls and the other two were light skinned black and mixed. and i was watching them watch him dance. and my word the boy can dance. every one there was watching and he was just enjoying the vibes doing his thing. then i noticed a mixed girl who was near him also dancing

i fucked leon last night. if u can call it that. he came after like 15 seconds. i'm not even exaggerating. it was in, he thrashed around for about 9 seconds before i heard 'oh fuck' and then i thought he was just really enjoying himself and had finally gotten a rythm going (cos he had trouble getting it to stay hard) then he pulled out and said 'i can't believe i came'. I was so annoyed. I'd traelled all the way to his yard, for him to fuck up like that. he's 6'5, plays NFL football and is cute af. ever since first saw him at the school i was working at, i wanted to bang him. but at the time i had a bf, and he had a gf. It doesn't make sense. then i tried getting him hard again by giving him head, but then he was like 'it's not gonna happen'. i conceded defeat of some sort, got dressed and then left.' he walked me to the bus stop through the park though cos it was dark. he's a gent, i'll give him that. But a 2/10 still though. Actually the only reason that makes him a gent is cos other niggas don't tend to do that shit. but tbh, that should be the standard. plus considering his diabolical sex it's the least he could do. i was thinking to myself yesterday, the bar is set so low for dudes. they sneeze and it's seen as gentlemanly. what if i start putting my foot down just a little bit more? the reason i don't do it more often is cos i'm afraid they'll say no or won't put up with it. i think i have to start sticking to certain standards and see what happens. show that i value and respect myself. even when it comes to sex - like i'd give head but i won't necessarily expect it in return. like yesterday, leon got head twice or three times from me. but i dnd't get it from him and didn't ask nor did he initiate it. and that's the status quo. what if i started insisting that guys go down on me first?
Also what if with tyo i began puttig my foot down more, in subtle ways. so the next time i see him, to actually tell him what i think about niggas who talk the talk - empowerment, unity etc but still fawn over toto ndi ocha. and say i can't respect guys who do that. it's in direct conflict with what you talk about. how can you be saying 'white people this' etc, then the person you lay with is white? it doesn't add up. if you wanna do that i think then u need to stop talking that talk - cos let's be honest how will happen? no think about. if you root your family here.
what if i told him that i don't think i can be your friend. i'll say i don't think i can be your friend right now because of your circumstance and there's too much noise. I can't put my finger on it but there's something about just carrying on as normal after what happened, that feels odd. the fact that you can just go back to the status quo without breaking a sweat. you essentially wore your heart on your sleeves that night and then you thought actually lets forget about that. so there's a major disconnect there that's unsettling and that brings certain questions to my mind, like 'how has this man processed these events that he's able to just carry on with the status quo? I respect you and i'd like to continue respecting you. but there are just too many inconsistent elements to this situation, which makes me question your sincerity and the strength of your principles. Do you see what i mean? There's a denial of some sort that i see. And in continuing to be your friend i feel like I'm participating in that denial and i'm essentially enabling that denial. and i don't wanna do that because i don't think that can be healthy. when i said i value you, I meant it.

So that night, I know i said that i couldn't do anything with you because you've got a girl. but then i thought raahh I can't even fully be his friend. Even though being around u feels so natural, i don't want to aid something that i can only perceive as dishonesty or denial.

have a think and if you like u can tell me your thoughts. u know that time you were talking about going away to some really remote place and disconnecting? i think u need to do that.

I'll tell him the story of eze, igbo guy who came to london when he was 23 or so and married a lithuanian woman. had three babies with her. and now they woomna won't let him take the kids to naija. can u imagine? with baggage like that how can u go and build anything back home?