Pretty4AFatGirl

Fat Girl Problems
2017-10-16 07:17:27 (UTC)

My Birthday

Well my birthday went nothing like I expected & exactly like I expected....
I hoped & hoped I would get to see "A"... but I have no clue why. WHY would I ever think he would show up????? No one in my family reached out..except after I posed a message saying in a passive aggressive way how awesome they all were for planning something for my birthday.. FUCK THEM..
I am heartbroken... I don't understand how no one could even think of me for a second to do something for me, with me... on my birthday..how ONE day couldn't be for me..

"A" called me at midnight & made me smile & sang to me.. & I loved it.. but I just wanted to see him.. I'm afraid the last time I am gonna see him was almost a year ago.. I just wish I had mattered enough...

I am depressed.. I was playing with "A" on a game & crying at the same time.. I sniffled at one point, didn't mean to but he thought I was laughing.. and then it hit me.. maybe he doesn't know me anymore at all... we haven't even had a deep conversation in idk how long. .I've tried to be light & fun with him & it makes me feel like I'm just whatever to him.... but I don't think he has noticed my mood changes lately, I don't think he would ever notice if I was acting light & happy.. I don't think he CARES anymore about me & how I feel... at all..

We didn't even talk much today..just played.. I thought of all days to have my best friend & talk & just whatever..would be today.. I feel SO alone.. he got offline earlier than I expected.. I HATED my birthday.. I sobbed so hard until I fell asleep..

My brother... was the last person to go out of his way for me.. on my birthday he did not care what anyone said or did... he came to me... he put me first..he loved me... he loved making me feel special... not alone..

I am so so angry at everyone.. & I honestly.. wanna just disappear from everyone.. not like they'd notice..

I hit 30..and I am sitting here upset... over everything. Everything this birthday means.. I am so alone.. with myself, my thoughts.. my life... and not one person cares...

NO ONE got me anything for my birthday.. how fucking depressing is that?!?!?!? I just wanna scream & yell .... I am not a selfish person but fuck... not anyone????? My mom asked me before she went to work if I was still gonna be here when she got off bc she knows how I feel...she knows what I've said all these years..... that I would NOT be here at 30 and like this.. & now I'm 30...& I am like this.. & this is how it went? Has my mind going all kinds of crazy....

I just wanna hide... I wanna cut everyone off I wanna cuss everyone out, I wanna yell... I wanna make them see how good I was to all of them! How I care SO much more than they do.. I've planned surprise parties, & get togethers ... & No one could be bothered for me today.. I'm beyond hurt.. & so let down.. by everyone in my life.. EVERY SINGLE PERSON..

I can't even see my best friend bc.. who the fuck knows.. I'm tired of making exscuses..and saying things.. & trying to make a reasonable excuse to make me feel better.. but.. i'm just this secret.. I'm this fucking loser tucked away..

I am so done right now.. I am done with everyone in my life.. & you know what.. no one will notice.. no one will care.. the person who cared about me died a long time ago.. the person who KNEW me..died a long time ago.. I am utterly alone now.. so whatever.. I am done. I can't do this anymore... My heart can not do this anymore...




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