2017-10-15 22:28:58 (UTC)

Family gatherings and life.

Do you ever have those days where someone asks you to go to the movies or go shopping and in your mind you want to say no, because you have other stuff to do like study or finish an essay, but you agree anyway?
That was today!
This coming Wednesday I have huge history exam, which I have barely even studied for. (Because I tend to study last minute,no matter how hard I try not to...)
When my dad asked me if I wanted to go to the movies I said yes because I wanted to spend some time with him since I almost only see him on during the weekend. Although the movie we saw wouldn't be my first choice ( we saw "Victoria and Abdul") it turned out to be an watchable one! Even if the theater was full of people in their 60's I had and okay time.
Earlier during the day some stuff happened that had angered me a little-I won't talk about it much! I'll just mention that it had something to do about buying a pair of jeans and my dad ALWAYS complicating the purchase.(!!!)
Either way, evening came and we were going to have a little family dinner. Me, my brother, his girlfriend, my sister, her boyfriend, my dad and my stepmom all together like our normal family gatherings.
Normal family gatherings.
I guess that's what you call it!?
You know where all sorts of drama appear, as well as old grudges and sibling fights. Don't get me wrong I love seeing my siblings especially since they both live quite far away nowadays but considering the fact that they're close in age and I'm not, we see the world very differently.
My siblings have always fought each other, the three year age difference has always made them compare themselves to one another and believe me when I say that their love/hate relationship sometimes shows a bit more hate than love!
I'm the youngest child in the family (unless you count my half sister who is about four years younger than me) and my siblings even fought about me, who I loved more and such!
It was exhausting.

To cut it short, my brother is the sloppy, lazy, non- responsible one, my sister used to be the rebellious and depressed troublemaker but turned it around and became the well sorted out and responsible one, me on the other hand has always been the calm, responsible little angel, the only trouble I've ever caused was when I came home about 10 minutes past dinner time...
Not like this matters to my parents!
I'm the youngest and since my siblings didn't really go through school with good grades my parents expectations weren't that high. But who would have guessed, third time's a charm! I ended up being (almost) a straight A:s student. You would think that this would make my parents overwhelmed by joy, well keep on thinking that!
When I question this to them they respond that they're so proud and couldn't be happier, I just wish that they actually would show it sometime and not just say it.
One of my oldest friends once told me that when she got an A on an exam her parents bought her a cake and they celebrated!
I can't remember my first A, I don't even remember my parents telling me how proud they were.
I think about this a lot-if I'm the most successful child then why I have never really been praised for it? My siblings get praised for getting new jobs or finding apartments to live in and I leave high school with an almost perfect score and barely get an "good job!"
I know I shouldn't complain, I know that the love is all equally, but I somehow think I deserve more credit for what I do...

Back to dinner! (this was supposed to be a short entry, I guess not. Oops!)

So during these family dinners I always tend to be a little outside, the conversations are usually about stuff where I'm not included! So automatically I pick up my phone and go on social media, to pass time! I try to put some comments in small conversations but I'm never really in focus nor is any question barely towards me! I don't mind really, the conversations are usually quite boring or end up in heated arguments.
There have been gatherings where I've actually tried to fit in and be a part of the discussions, but since I'm the youngest my siblings make sure that I never win an argument. Which leads to me keeping my mouth shut for the rest of the evening.
So as per usual this evening I picked up my phone.
However when I do decide to use my phone during the event I end up being scolded at.
I'm serious.
At the end of the dinner when my siblings are leaving the all tell me that they think I'm rude of unsocial and that I could've paid more attention.
To the person who reads this I want you to understand the impossible choices I have to choose from.
No it's not life and death but in the long run it's deciding whether to bear through nagging and teasing for tears and years, or actually just not giving a fuck what people think.
Because I honestly don't!
If they think I'm rude for coping with my feelings through media instead of listening to their stupid arguments then fine. I'm rude. But I'm rude in a way that keeps me happy inside and I think that's worth more than anything else.

Dear reader I'm sorry for this long entry, sometimes you just gotta get it out! ;)
I understand that a lot of this is confusing considering you don't know that much about me, but with time I hope that my life story will help you and guide you to the right path in life as much as I'm hoping that writing it down will help me.

I'll keep you posted. xx