✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
Jumping Without A Parachute
Dear Reader,
I wish I could experience freefall without worrying about hitting the ground.
I wish I could just jump without a parachute, and fall forever.
Parachute by Krewella is the song I was hooked on before J passed away.
I remember when I was 15, during the summer of 2015, I tried talking to Kayla about Ashley, and about how depressed I was... Kayla was my best friend since Kindergarten.. and yeah, I wasn't a perfect friend to her by any means.
During that time of my life, I was such a mess... I was going through a lot of things at once..
I still can't forget how I tried venting to her on facebook, about everything I was going through..
And how she made it crystal clear that she didn't give a damn, and didn't care to even have a conversation with me about it.
I remember a few instances like that, where I'd reach out, and she'd respond with "Ok"
And, I remember giving up trying..
I don't remember if I stopped talking to her, or if she stopped talking to me...
All I remember was how the next school year, she had new friends, and we didn't talk anymore.
The bad part is, even though I was a loser, and socially awkward, and weird..
I had her. For some reason, she put up with it since we were five years old.
And then, I didn't have her anymore.
The loneliness, and bottling everything inside for way too long.. drove me to find some kind of outlet to pour it all into before I drowned in it.. and that's how I found this website. I started my first diary that summer.
I remember walking outside every single day after dinner until the sun went down, listening to music, desperately trying to lose weight so that the next school year, Ashley would like me...
I genuinely thought I was too ugly, and fat, and that was why she didn't like me, and yeah that was probably part of the reason why..
But the main reason was probably because I, unintentionally, was a fucking a creep.
Sometimes, if I listen to old music that I liked back then, it brings me right back.
I remember when I met J, all because of this website, and everything changed after that.
I met him towards the end of the summer.
I wish those chats still existed..
I noticed almost everything bad that happens to me, happens during the summer.
I honestly can't believe how similar my current life is to that summer.
Nick has been my best friend since 2014. I met him here too..
It breaks my heart to say that I'm losing him too.
He's moving on, and he has his own circle of friends, and girls, and he's going to school... and he's becoming more independent.. And it feels like he forgets about me some days.
And yeah, I don't expect him to be stagnant and make no progress..
It's just that there's a common trait among me, and the few people I have left.
And I can understand that once that's no longer a common factor, there's no longer a connection being maintained.
That trait is being stagnant. Staying in one place.. making no progress.
I can't talk to him about things again. We were going good, and now it's back to how it used to be when I was with Josh..
We had started skyping again.. and that really helps me. We did in the beginning of being friends, and then he said he hated it, and we stopped. And I couldn't even get him to skype when I was having panic attacks, or when Josh, and I had fights and I was alone..
And since, I broke up with Josh, and J passed away, he and I started skyping again..
And then a week or so ago, he dropped the bombshell on me that he actually still hates skyping.
And I explained that it helped me, and that I honestly didn't know..
I can't make him skype, and I can't make him like skype..
But it fucking hurts.
He's my best friend, and it's the closest thing we have to hanging out..
I'm getting frustrated, because I know this entry isn't making any sense.. and I kinda want to stop, but there's more I want to say.
I wish I could talk to Josh.. I wish I knew how he was doing.. what's new in his life..
But at the same time I'm just.. I know he hates me.
I know he wishes he never met me.. and I know he's glad I'm not around anymore.
I think about him all the time.. and the other day, even though I knew I shouldn't, I watched part of a vlog he had made for me, and just bawled.
Towards the end of our relationship.. it honestly felt like there wasn't a real, tangible person on the other end of the facebook account... it had been nearly half a year I think, I'd have to check, since we had skyped.. since I had heard his voice... the last time we skyped it was extremely brief.
He didn't love me anymore. I really felt like he wanted to break up, but he just didn't want to do it.
I was a shitty girlfriend..
I ended it.. even though I desperately wanted it to work.. I ended it, even though I loved him so much.
I miss him all the time, and I think about him everyday.. And he's probably found someone new by now.. someone he can probably see irl. And maybe that's another reason I don't message him... because I'm afraid of knowing he's found someone else.
I'm not doing good at all...
I'm still dealing with our break-up.. and J passing away..
I've been wanting to write about both things for so long in detail.. but It hurts too much to do it.
And now, I'm losing my best friend..
I tried talking to Rhonda about Grandma.. something I've been easing into..
And I stupidly thought she would be on my side..
Stupidly thought she would understand.. but the other day she kinda proved me wrong unknowingly.
I was telling her how no matter what I choose to do for my future, it'll never be enough for her..
And she basically waved it away saying that, when you're around someone a lot, you start to irritate each other, and get on each other's nerves..
And yes, I know that's true..
But.. the way she treats me has been this way since I first came to live here.
My first memory of here was her yelling at me at the top of her lungs for accidentally breaking a porcelain figurine she had sitting on the bottom ledge of her faux fireplace.
It was a complete accident, and she knew it because she saw.. and she treated it like I had done it with malice. The amount of anger she had was completely disproportionate..
If that were the case, than shouldn't that have been true for when I was in school? Because yeah, we lived together, but for the larger part of everyday, we weren't around each other.
I remember the days where I'd sit in class, hating being at school, but at the same time dreading going home.
I remember the mornings before school being yelled at, running to the bus, and crying once I sat in my seat, the evenings after school I'd spend isolated in my room, dreading having to leave for dinner...
Just read through my entries.. read the entry "How to be me, in my house."
Read my old diary.. it's all there..
It all happened.
She's destroyed me.
I just felt like, I've opened up to her about a lot of things she's said, and done, shedding light on how she really is.. there's so much that she doesn't know... So much that I wish I could tell her.. and even though I had a feeling she would choose her over me, I was hoping she wouldn't.
And, I was stupid to think that.
I was stupid to think that...
After all, that's her mother.. and I'm just her dead brother's kid.
Sincerely,
Freefalling
Ad: