TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-10-11 17:30:12 (UTC)

Ambivalence

Not much difference from the duality I spoke of last week in actuality, but I feel it right now. I am aware of the one in me who wants to be close and connected to others, to speak freely to them and be my whole self, not just the mostly secret self I am here. From the beginning this place has always been where I talk about the things that shame me or is to hard to say. It is my real self, but so is also my everyday self. In truth, the everyday self is the biggest part of me. Though I've covered many pages here, there is so much more to me than the past pain and the sexuality. There is intelligence and creativity and the everyday hundrum of life no one gets to escape. No matter what I post here I still need clean clothes and food on the table and watching my favorite show or a movie. I exist in the "normal-ness" of life, daily. The things shared here are not in my conscious thought every minute, but my conscious knows they have needed to be talked about.
My other self has become one who, while recognizing that I want to be close to others has become used to being physically alone, and feels threatened to some extent over the possibility of that changing. We adapt to the point of where we "learn" that even intolerable things can be okay. Unlike some, I am blatantly aware of both sides of the issue and maybe wish for more ignorance. Not really though.
I used to be (years ago) someone who immediately warmed up to others and wanted to get to know them by sharing myself. I was still cautious (esp online) but more open. I had a different outlook. Now after having spent the past decade without intimate touch or affection it's like my skin has grown cold. I ache for what I am afraid to have, and it's like a little hell from which I must work to escape. The inside passion and need for companionship/ relationship hits a mental wall and seems to stop. Online to me has become a safety net in which I can exist having some of my need met without having to knock the wall down. Is it fear? Yes, I openly admit that. Living this way had done a number on me mentally, much more than I ever realized before. Resolving it is the harder task.
I say to myself, what would you tell others in a similar situation? I would say deal with the fear and take steps to change it. Sounds so easy.:)
-TM




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