✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-10-09 16:29:11 (UTC)

Doing Things My Way

Dear Reader,

So, for the past few weeks, grandma and I have been watching my baby cousin for a few days a week, because her regular babysitter had a baby.

Grandma is the brains, and I'm the muscle. She can't carry her around that much, and I don't have not that much experience with babies.

But even though she's been through this before with her own children, and her other grandchildren, she is still capable of making bad calls.. I don't give a shit if you know all there is to know about kids, there's a lot of things nowadays that have changed.

And even though I don't have that much experience with babies, the last two years of my life I've been closely involved with two new cousins, and I have learned a lot.

There's some things that can be debatable, but when I make a different call based on simple common sense, and what I feel, She takes it as a PERSONAL attack on her judgement.. and to be honest, a lot of things she's so adamant about, aren't because they're better choices, she's just so damn stubborn, and has a destructive, and aggressive need to be right about EVERYTHING. Like, she'll even RISK what's best for the child, for the sake of being right.

I've written about it before, but for instance, leaving her alone on the playmat when she's not even strong enough to crawl, but can roll like no tomorrow. I wouldn't leave her alone on it, because it wouldn't take a second for her to roll off and hit her head on the floor. And because I refused to leave her alone on it because I thought it wasn't a good idea, or it wasn't safe, she flew into a irrational fit of rage.

And like the same day when she intentionally turned the volume up on the TV, and spoke loudly, and made a bunch of noise because I politely asked her to turn the volume down because she was napping right in the middle of the floor on the mat surrounded by the sounds, and could be disturbed. I know how the baby is, and when she's woke up from her nap, she can get MAD. She will hold her breath!

Last week, we had the playmat on the floor, and we usually keep a blanket on top of it, just for extra cushion.

She was in her walker, and I noticed that the dog Ruger, had thrown up on the blanket. I was like great. So, I told them about it, and grandma's like "Just fold it over." And I'm like, no that's disgusting.. I'm not going to make her lay on a blanket that's been thrown up on, are you kidding me. She is all over that mat, now.. she can't exactly crawl, and she doesn't roll like she used to, she military crawls across it, so she can move pretty fast, and is all over it like I said.

So no, that's gross. YOU wouldn't want to lay on the same blanket that's been vomited on, would you? It's gross, and it smells bad, and she would be right there next to it.. and I wasn't even going to make her do that. Call me a clean freak if you want, no one would willingly lay there on it when you could just get a clean one.

No, what any other person would have done, is just take up the blanket, (thankfully it did't soak through onto the mat) throw it into the washing machine, and just grab a clean blanket to lay down instead. Which is what I was doing.. and yeah, she got SO mad.

She's like "OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO GO WASH IT. CAN'T DO A DAMN THING I SAY."

So, when I come back with a clean blanket, that NO ONE was using, it was just sitting out in the junk room with a few others, she goes "I JUST washed that one!" Yeaaaaaaaaahhh, you wash blankets so that they can be USED, not just sitting around. And what's the big deal that you just washed it, it can't get that dirty.. besides you're the one who just wanted to fold the other one over.

So, I lay down the blanket, and we use that one. She sits there and bitches about how she's older than I am, and she knows better than I do, and she's raised babies before so everything I think is wrong. And so I defend my decision, as ridiculous as it is to have to do, and she yells at me for "back talk". Then she says that if I don't "Watch my mouth, I'm going to get into SO much trouble." In the most angry, and aggressive way..

And I'm literally dumbfounded. I'm 21 years old, and all I was doing was defending myself while you were sitting there talking to me like I was less than a stupid sack of garbage because I didn't think it was a good idea to lay a BABY on a blanket that had been VOMITED on.

Meanwhile my younger brother can speak to you as he pleases, and you give him money when he asks, allow him to stay out late as he wants, with whoever he wants, and drive your car. He back talks and treats you like crap, and he has NEVER been in "trouble" a day in his life, even after you've caught him smoking, he tried stealing his friend's mom's car!

Me? I do everything for you. I clean your house, wait on your husband, take care of your dogs, and I am NOTHING but nice and even friendly to you, and you don't give a damn.

And the only way I can interpret "being in trouble" is you hitting me. Because how is a 21 year old going to be "in trouble".


So, today.. we watched her shortly because her mom had some errands to run.

I started to take up the play mat, which is 26 foam puzzle pieces. We only use 24 of them to make a rectangle.
We have to watch her for the next two days, and she uses the mat for the majority of the day.

You have to take it up in two's so it'll fit stacked in it's clear, plastic case.

I'll tell you what, my other baby cousin comes over often, and so does the one we're watching, so that means I have to put this mat down, and take it up A LOT. And it starts to wear on you, having to get in the floor, and bend over, and wrestle it into the case.. especially if you have to babysit a few days in a row, and it is draining.
And when you get up at 6:30-45 in the morning after getting just a few hours of sleep, the last thing you have energy for is putting together a huge playmat on the floor, and putting it back up at the end of the day after you're wore out from babysitting, only to have to do it again the next day...

So last week, to make things easier, I just broke it in half, and set the halves up together out of the way, so that it would be quicker to put down the next morning. I had to babysit for three days straight. That didn't seem to be a problem then.

But apparently this morning, after I just broke it up in groups of fours to set out of the way for tomorrow, that was a problem for her. I have NO fucking idea why.. she's just so irrational all the damn time.

I said aloud "I'm just going to break it up into fours, so it'll be easier tomorrow morning." Papa agreed with me.

And when I was just about finished, she says to me condescendingly as if I don't fucking know how to do it after doing it a hundred times already, "It WON'T FIT INTO THE CASE LIKE THAT." No fucking shit.

"I know, I'm not going to put it into the case. I'm just going to set it up out of the way."

And she goes "NO YOU'RE NOT."

And I just brush her off, like the fuck do you mean. It has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever how I put it together, and how I take it apart. It doesn't matter, and it SHOULDN'T fucking matter.

And she's like "NO. NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE GOING TO PUT IT INTO THE CASE." Getting more heated...

The worst part about this, is her sister's here, and witnessed the whole thing.

I figure maybe she just doesn't want it out in the living room or whatever, so I just say that I'll just take it to my room in the stack of fours that I had it in.

And as I'm walking away, she goes "YOU BETTER PUT IT IN THE CASE LIKE I SAID." Talking to me, a 21 year old as if I'm a fucking unruly child.. like calm the fuck down, it doesn't even matter!

And then she spits out: "She's just doing that in front of you to PROVE she doesn't have to listen." Still, treating me like a child..

So I whip around an am like "GRANDMA. It's hard having to to put this down, and take it up day after day. This is just easier for ME."

And of course she dismisses it, saying "Oh, no it isn't hard to do it." And yeah, it's not the hardest thing ever, but damn she doesn't have to do it everyday. She gets tired, and wore out by doing regular things because she's becoming more feeble the older she gets..
But that doesn't mean that I can't get tired.. that doesn't mean I'm not exhausted all the time.. I have a bad leg.. Bigger pain doesn't mean lesser pain doesn't matter.

And then she goes "FINE. Just don't put it down tomorrow."
Yeah, let's see how long that lasts. That should work like a charm.

So, I just come to my bedroom, pulled up messenger on my ipod, and just started messaging all of this to Nick.. but... I don't know. I changed my mind. I decided to just turn on my laptop, and write this out as an entry.


We're two different people, and we're not going to agree on everything.. that's always going to be true for anyone.
And, the things that I have to do every day are things I will do my own damn way, and I'll do what I feel is best for myself, regardless if this is your house. No normal person needs to control such little aspects of another person's life. YOUR way is NOT always the RIGHT way for other people. I would NEVER expect you to things my way.. I may SUGGEST it if I feel it could HELP you, but never make you feel fear for refusing it. Never make you feel like you're stupid, or lesser because you didn't take the suggestion.. because I KNOW that what works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone.


And, you have serious anger problems that you get so mad to the point that I'm afraid you're going to try to hit me for something as stupid, and meaningless as putting away a play mat, or washing a soiled blanket..

And the worst part is, she is completely oblivious to it all. She'll project it onto me as if it's ME. As if me deciding to wash a blanket is equivalent to how she treats me when I choose my own way. She genuinely thinks I only do it to insult her judgment, but it's not even about being insulted, it's about not being able to control me in every way possible.

But that's thing, I'm not a child anymore, and it can't be chalked up as discipline.. If she lays her hands on me now, it's assault.

Sincerely,
Me





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