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2017-10-08 01:34:27 (UTC)

night is the lonely

"German Motor Car" by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's [I'm in a musical slump]

I will sit right down and stare at the wall
And pray that you are nothing like your photo at all

October 8, 2017 Sunday 1:36 AM

I have been mostly pretty fine. I'm behind on work, as usual, because I sleep too little and too late and as a result, my brain don't wanna do shit. My eyes are tired and my heart aches. I have a friend, though! Karina is now my friend, I guess. I wasn't sure until tonight. I mean, we hang out a few times a week, usually on a whim. We used to eat breakfast together, but we've been bad at waking up lately, so naw. Instead, Karina asks me to go to Jo's with her to get some snacks sometimes. And at some point this week, she got really excited because her first day of work went really well so she knocked on my door and we talked about it for a while. She said she liked that I laughed so hard my whole body would sort of cave in.

I like that she noticed this! People tell me I am expressive. Which makes sense. I have a soft face and a soft body. They squish under pressure, and I am often under some sort of pressure, good or bad. When I smile, I scrunch inwards towards the midline, especially by the eyebrows. But when I'm upset, everything is dragged towards a singularity in the center of my face. The rest of my body furls and unfurls depending on what I say, hands flinging all over the place in an attempt to, I dunno, illustrate my thought process and the energy driving it. Weird, considering most of the time, I feel very exhausted by existence, haha.

Karina and I also hung out yesterday. We ate lunch together and then went back to my room to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which is a trash show but also I kind of like it? Or maybe I just like bonding with Karina. I don't know. Watching rich people is kind of interesting. They are so different yet so normal? But, like. Ya. Last night, Karina and I got some snax (I tried Uncrustables for the first time and have discovered they are AMAZING) and then did face masks in my room while watching more Keeping Up with the Kardashians, because we are dumb and cool. Then we promised each other to one day make a drinking game out of the show and she said she'd try to procure some alcohol (she has her sources—fucking social people and all their connections! It's amazing). WiNe Moms. I felt sorta bad for promising to be wine moms with her just 'cause usually that is a thing between Alexis and I—we are going to be wine moms with each other when we turn 30 or whatever. And it will be amazing.

I told Caroline that Karina is so normal it's weird. Like, most people have these strange quirks underneath, but mostly, Karina is just... normal. And almost conservative in her normalcy?? If that makes sense? Like, she was really weirded out by a poop joke I made, I guess, because I can be gross, haha. And very affected when I openly talked about having to take a shit! Not affected in a bad way—actually, she really liked it, I guess. Probably in the same way I always admire Liv for her bluntness. Karina thinks I am very strange. Whatever, the arrangement works out, because we still get along really well.

But yeah. And, like, I dunno. I guess I just thought I was Karina's random buddy. She's an extrovert, so she knows a ton of people and "gets LIT" every Friday or Saturday night (not both, though. She's responsible as fuck). Plus, when chillin' with me, she's told me about the people she was actually supposed to hang out with and I discovered I was the fallback plan. And that's, like. Okay. I was okay with that. I am alone in a new place, very terrified and tired at the same time. I don't need a lot to keep me satisfied. In other words, being a backup is better than nothing.

But then tonight, she approached me while very drunk on vodka. She was super bubbly and her cheeks were flushed, which was adorable and also super surprising—I didn't know people actually got rosy like that! And I've seen drunk folks. I don't know, it was just very pronounced in her.

She found me in the laundry room, where I was doing reading for Literature while my clothes dried. She was happier than I'd ever seen her, stumbling all over the place. When I saw her a bit closer, I noticed the red tinge of her eyes, little blood vessels snaking up to the border of her contacts around a brown iris. She smiled a lot and stuff, talked very much about her ex-boyfriend (from back home. She just broke up with him a couple weeks ago) and about her new paramour. It was kind of incredible how intelligent her speaking waS????? Like, jeez. She just detailed her relationship with her boyfriend, how she loved him but knew she didn't love him as much as she was capable of loving/she was not completely satisfied with his love. So she broke up with him and was upset when he hung up on her instead of listening to her thought-out apology/declaration of support and affection.

This new guy, she says, might be husband material but she doesn't feel ready to pursue him. So she wants to wait, but it hurts so much to wait, but she feels it will be worth it, but it hurts so much!

And I didn't mind listening. Karina talks a lot about herself. She isn't self-centered like Adrian or anything, but it is kind of hard to sneak myself into a conversation, so much of the time I just let myself listen instead. I am not sure how else to participate.

Listening to her was both super nice and kind of tragic in its own way. I mean, super nice because I felt she trusted me and on several occasions she told me—she said, Veronica, I appreciate you so much. You don't even know. I tell people about you all the time. I tell 'em you're whack, but you're my favorite 'cause you keep me on my toes, always make me laugh...

Yeah, Karina said stuff like that. She also said I was beautiful. And I didn't know how to react to any of this, I was just overwhelmed by surprise and fear and self-doubt and. And. And. I just sort of screeched and intellectualized, said, "I am overwhelmed by emotion and I am not sure how to react so: AAAAAAH"

Yes, I literally did screech. Made a lil gargling noise in the back of my throat 'n everything.

But Karina's talk of love also made me really sad. Just because, I dunno. Like anyone who has never been in love, I doubt I will ever experience it. And if I do, I know it will hurt so much. I don't know how it will hurt, I guess, but I've already hypothesized a million ways that it could and I hate it. I can't help hypothesizing, either. I just do it. I'm always thinking, when I look at guys, thinking, when I look at my body, thinking, when I hear my own thoughts, thinking, when I hear their thoughts—how could I love you? How could you love me?

You are so imperfect. That is supposed to be okay, but it is not.

And then there are also the sexual impediments keeping me from wanting relationships. I just don't want their hands anywhere near me. I find myself disgusting, tbh, and I hate the concept of sex and I hate that I masturbate. It's a self-hating mess! I overwhelm myself by thinking of all aspects of a relationship at once when I really don't need to. But I also just feel overwhelmed by time, overwhelmed by a need to fast-forward to a place where it's normal.

By now, I should've already had some of these basic experiences to prepare me for relationships, but I have not because I am/always have been afraid.

So now I am very lonely, sitting on my bed in the semi-darkness. There is a small LED sun in my peripheral makin' my skin peel, recede. Fibrous anxiety wound through my extracellular matrix, bubbling under the pressure of the glaring light, fuck, what'

Why am I waxing poetic jesus. It's because I'm tired. I'm sorry. I will look back at those sentences with Cringe(TM), but for now. Nah.

Oh, I want to talk to Isaac. I want to talk to him so bad! I think I am just lonely. But I want to talk to him. I want to know how he is. I want to hear him being happy or at least content. I want to hear him getting older than he was six months ago. I want to remember his smell and how tightly he held me. And how it sounded when he laughed against my body. And how his stubble felt under my hand. I want him to ask how I am. I want him to not be angry with me. I want to apologize, but I'm not sure for what—I'm sorry for making you an experiment? I'm sorry for hurting you, for ignoring you? I'm sorry for not communicating properly?

But I don't want to do that thing I do where I make it out to be completely my fault. He made some mistakes too. He put too much pressure on me. But I liked him for a bit. Not very long, not very strongly. Just some platonic feelings lightly amplified. But it was nice to not be alone. It was nice to be cared for.

Still. I am trying to remind myself—he made me feel bad. Scraped out. Sad. He was just kind of a mess, all broken up. His values were very different from mine and we disagreed about a lot of things and were both too stubborn to meet in the middle (I'm talking throughout our friendship and relationship, not just that month long fuck up, lol). I felt really bad for him.

The only way I can really describe it as is that existential question: is that all there is? That's how I felt when I was with him. Sometimes. Other times, I felt very disgusted with myself, disgusted with his hands on my body. And that's why I cried that one time, in his bed, and he sank down to the floor when I did and gave my some toilet paper because he didn't have tissues. And he tried to ask what was wrong but I didn't know how to verbalize it.

How am I suffering from this self-loathing, so powerful that I sometimes find it hard to be close to anyone at all, at least in a romantic sense? What is it in my psyche so toxic that it makes me feel physically disgusted with myself?

Nothing happened to me. Nothing that explains this persistent aversion to love and making love. The only thing that comes close to an explanation is the Pencil Incident, but that was a non-sexual interaction. Sure, I obviously felt super violated, but Stephanie never intended to make me feel that way, y'know? She just wanted to play a game.

I remember knowing about sex and masturbating from a very young age. Very, very young. Like, just past Kindergarten, if not in Kindergarten as well. And that can be normal for some kids. I am not sure how I knew about sex, but I just did. I masturbated all the time and, every single time, I felt ashamed after doing so. Like it was wrong. So it could just be that I kept reinforcing the idea that it was wrong by engaging repetitively in the same thought process: fun! horrible. Fun! horrible. Fun! horrible.

I treated masturbation as, like, a personal mistake, I guess. I don't know what started that. Probably my anxiety. I've said this before, but I've just always been anxious. When I was little, it manifested itself as constant wailing, lol. And this could just be another symptom of a chronic disease. Sexual aversion.

I don't know. I know sex isn't necessary for relationships, but I can't help considering it, can't help wanting it. But every time I want it proves to be a mistake because right afterwards, I feel terrible, and no one can fix it.

God, that is the most hopeless aspect of all of this. No one can fix it. Except for me. Annnnd I don't even know how. It will probably be hard, and I do not like doing difficult things. So that's fun. Yaaaaay.

Anyway, yes. I guess now I will... go to bed. And not call Isaac. Even though I really, really want to. Fuck! Okay. Fuck.