TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-10-04 21:54:06 (UTC)

Duality Part Two

If I look at the duality in my own life, it's not the type of duality that is "false." What I mean by that is, the duality doesn't exist to fool others or as a general matter of deceit. I have very specific ideas about everything I believe in (or don't) and when I make up my mind about some of them it would take a lot to shake me of it. I think that's okay, we should all have thoughts we are firm on as part of our identity.
The duality is more a personal one. I ask myself sometimes if I have done TO much introspection. Everything in the open, no dark corners left unlit, no dicey behavior not examined. My own Pandora's box opened and on display. As a child I had to learn from my father how to be more than one. So I was new little girl and just girl. Three as he was. I gave them categories just like him. There is "me," there was the little whore and there was the tough girl. All of us really just one person but operating within our own constraints holding back the chaos.
All these parts of me are ME...I get that. I am those girls, and I have spent years weaving them back together. This is not so unusual. All of us have different sides and want different things, I just took it to an extreme end. Can I ever weave them into one cohesive person? Psychology says yes it's possible, but I am not so sure.
Being (or rather living) with the perspective that you are more than one isn't something you just stop doing. It gets better, as over the years I have improved. Yet there is a sort of safety in the duality (or more than two.) Many people deal with their conflicting selves through avoidance or addictions. Some aren't even conscious of it, and make decisions without thought or care and never knowing why.
Yes this causes struggle in my thought processes, but in another way it has allowed me to freely look at and make better decisions, because none of this is in the dark. I can see the tough girl and I can see the whore and I can see me keeping them and myself balanced. I say them but they are me, so I keep ME balanced, as best I can.
Part 3 tomorrow




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