LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2017-09-30 13:39:30 (UTC)

"Farewell Transmission" by ..

"Farewell Transmission" by Songs: Ohia
Mama, here comes midnight
With the dead moon in its jaws

September 30, 2017 Saturday 1:39 PM

Oh man, I am so tired I can feel it in my nose. It got cold all of a sudden. Thursday, the day started out in the seventies and by night it was in the low sixties. Next morning, it hovered by fifty, spiked to sixty, and now its back down. Plus it started raining this morning, which reminded me that I forgot to bring an umbrella with me and I ought to go buy one later today.

I talked to my momma earlier today on the phone on my way to the Ratty. And the conversation made me feel so old.

She said, "You should go buy an umbrella from the pharmacy," and I said I might do that, 'cause I had some other errands to run anyway, some stuff to buy at CVS, so it'd make sense. And just that statement. Was old. Like, it's already normal for me to go to the pharmacy to buy myself cold medicine and nail clippers and pick up my prescription and shit. I call these "errands." What even the fuck, since when.

Mom told me, "I forgot you're an adult," and I told her I wasn't actually an adult and so she corrected herself: "Young adult."

And I felt old again, 'cause she's right. I don't live at home anymore and I probably never will because I hate living at home. Living at home is distracting and unproductive, chaotic, etc. So much out of my control.

I miss my momma and my papa and Caroline.

Last night, I was very sad. I made the mistake of texting Adrian. I was also texting Alexis, but that's never a mistake. Texting Adrian, however, sometimes is because he's kind of self-centered so I shouldn't have expected much comfort from his corner. I told him I felt lonely and bored, and instead of, like, I dunno, comforting me or acknowledging my dumb feelings, he goes, "I can drive up there," which is an annoyingly unreasonable gesture so I was like no and then he went on to talk about his entire day which I cared very little about because he always talks about his day.

I would think I am being an asshole, but I actually talked about it with Alexis—who is the most patient person in the World—and found out she felt the same about Adrian. I mean, last week, I went home for the weekend and Alexis was evicted so we all helped her pack up Her Whole Life. And Adrian spent that time talking about his home struggles WHILE ALEXIS WAS EMPTYING HER PANTRY FOR THE LAST TIME???? Alexis was pissed at him. This wasn't even the first selfish, inconsiderate thing he did that night, but I don't want to talk about that right now.

I don't know, Adrian just seems younger. He's always seemed younger to me. Probably because when he "wins" an argument he rubs it in his opposers face. And because he brags about every good thing in his life. And just generally, he seems to lack... awareness. Like someone who is very young, y'know? Like a middle schooler or something. Now that my friends and I are older... the contrast is more stark than it was before. Adrian lives at home with his well-to-do family and takes two classes at a local university. He's taking a year off before attending a very respected art school. His parents just bought him a car. Adrian is meandering. But Alexis and Liv and I (even though Liv's not out of high school), we are all working towards things, we are all struggling with transition. Adrian's struggle seems fake, somehow. Because it's optional for him. Not for us.

That almost seems unfair. I am bitter, okay. Adrian is free in a way I will never be. And I get mad when he tries to be sad about his life when, to me, he has so little to be sad about. He is just irresponsible—that is where his problems stem from. My problems aren't major either, though. Not like Alexis or Liv, who have to struggle against their families in addition to everything else. Meanwhile, I'm at an expensive Ivy League with my parent's full support.

I don't want to talk about anything anymore. I've written myself dry and I hate everything I've put down, lol. I have a neuroanatomy lecture, so I oughtta, y'know, get myself in the mental space for that. I am excited. I love neuroanatomy. Aight, c ya.


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