Gattina

My words to describe
2017-09-29 14:03:18 (UTC)

TGIF

The thing is, i am lonely. I am trying to keep myself busy. I have been reading a lot lately, that does help.

Today is my second day free from smoking. Sucks So bad, haha, but i will do this. I have to talk myself out of buying a new pack each minute of the day. Especially difficult after work. Right now, i am wanting one. Yesterday morning wasnt too bad. I think my need for one goes up and down depending on my emotions.

I am sleeping a bit better, but my dreams are still very vivid. I am dreaming of him more. I miss him terribly, that is probably why.
You wanna know a secret? I almost don't want to share because i know he is probably reading my entries, but i can't let that stop my writing..I cannot get myself to move on from him. I cannot do it. I have entertained the idea, only because i am lonely. I am not lonely for someone to say I love you or anything similar, i am lonely for the want and desire of someone who might want to say that in the long run, who wants me. And even though i can lie to myself all i want, he just does not WANT me. Hurts so so so so so badly to admit that. It is easier to lie.
But back to my little secret, the secret is, i have tried inside myself to say, ok Gattina, he does not desire you that way. You have to move on, you have to find someone who does..but i can't, i literally feel like throwing up when i even entertain that idea. I feel as if i am cheating on him and i cannot do it. I just can't. Perhaps i am not ready. I don't want to be ready, my heart belongs to him even if he only accepts it as a friendly heart.
I want to ask him sometimes, why? Why don't or why can't you see yourself feeling that way about me? We laugh, we cary together, we share things, we do everything personal together. Why? Why don't you desire me in that way? Why aren't i good enough that you don't care what your family would think or what they might say back to you? I think i am worth at least that much!!!
Sometimes that is what i have to keep telling myself...that i am worth that much more...

I work tomorrow, but then i have 9 days off. Oh joy..not sure how i feel about that.
The days have been going by rather quickly at work, we are slow, so slow in fact that i primarily worked by myself yesterday and it was alright.
I still am not thrilled about the job..i look each and every day, hoping i didnt turn down my one and only chance for a long time.




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