LustingforNightmares

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2017-09-28 21:15:54 (UTC)

go to bed early

"Whenever You See Fit" by Modest Mouse & 764-Hero [I'm back with this song again]
(Spend some time, whenever you go wrong)
Wake up early and you'll live to regret it
And you'll wake up early and you'll live to regret (tell the truth)
And you'll wake up early and you'll live to regret (whenever you see fit)
Well, talking on the telephone
Looking at yourself like you're all alone (Everything's wrong)
And everything you ever
Wake up early and you'll live to regret it
(Everything's wrong)
Talking on the telephone
Talking like a talking bell
You'll go to bed early and you'll talk to your pillow

September 29, 2017 Thursday 9:16 PM

I'm kind of in love with my Calculus TA. Like, I know I'm not, because I don't know her at all, but she's just so beautiful and smart and perfect that I love her. She's from China, I think. That's what I deduce (induce? I don't even know what) from her pointy accent, placing edges in all the wrong places. American words are square and she gives them extra shape.

Her cheekbones are so high, her boobs just the right size, arms thin, waist small, legs skinny but shapely, hair dark and shiny. And, yet, she doesn't really dress like the beautiful person that she is, at least not for our recitation sessions. She dresses in regular shirts and jeans that fit her just right. I saw pit stains on her gray shirt on the first session.

Oh, and I love the pale circles under her eyes. Purplish. They look so good on her otherwise perfect face. Like a slightly wrinkled bedsheet, all smooth except for where it drapes over the side. She looks so good.

I am so in love with her, I want to be her.

And I guess that kind of reveals one of my fundamental relationship problems??? Which is that I kind of confuse love with virtuous envy. Sorry, I just made up the term virtuous envy just now. Does it already exist? I hope not. Because what I mean is that I envy the TA without ever wishing for her to lose her beauty somehow. Like, I'd never take it from her, you know? I don't feel like it's mine. Instead, I feel privileged to be in her presence. Lucky to just see her perfect shape. Man, she is so alive.

There's probably a word for "virtuous envy." I will not take the time to think of it.

Sorry, none of this is about who she is. Like, at all. Is what I've just realized. But I don't know her?? I know nothing about her. She's kind of soft-spoken and obviously very good at math but. That's about all I know.

W o w o w o w o w.

Tonight, I think I am feeling a little melancholy. I found a story I wrote way back, which was basically a first-person account of Isaac's life. Like, I guess I was trying to understand him or get others to understand him by writing his life. But reading it just made me sad.

His birthday is on Saturday, but I severed all ties with him, so I don't know how he'd react if I wished him a happy birthday so I instead told Liv to let him know if she saw him around. She'll probably tell him I sent the birthday wishes anyway. So what does being secretive even accomplish?

I am so itched at the idea that she will not see him, will not tell him. Can't stand the thought. Which makes me wonder what my motivations are in wishing him a happy birthday. He dislikes his birthday. He won't be having a happy 18th birthday either way, and my wishing him one will probably just make him mad. Like, oh, now you decide to talk to me? Or worse, it will leave him unaffected. He won't care at all.

Why is that worse? Why do I care?

I mean, I care about him, self?? Duh. I didn't cut him off because I don't care, I did it because I was angry and tired. Cutting him off wasn't a great decision, I will admit. I probably should have Communicated. But it feels too late now.
Part of me just wants to let him know, hey, I didn't forget about you. I promised you I wouldn't forget about you in college and look, see, I didn't! But what is the point. I am so confused.

And now I am moving on with my thoughts.



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