LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-09-20 16:59:20 (UTC)

turn to vapor, float away


"Bed" by Brand New [one of their most atmospheric songs oh my goodddd]

My head is lit I don't ever wanna go to bed
Your hair is on fire
You snuff the blaze, turn to vapor then you float away
We got into a bad fight

Later on in bed (6x)

My eyes are lungs, I'm a prophet and I speak in tongues
I know how you'll die
Your sister groans, "A usurper to the holy throne"
To me she's just a dead spy

Later on in bed (3x)
Lie to all your friends (3x)

I don't know what you feel like
Ambushed on a road, stole your gold
You're a rose and you're laughing now
*Everything that I own starts to pile up like bones, like the walls of a prison*
Later on in bed
Later on in bed

September 20, 2017 Wednesday 5:10 PM

People, people. People. What am I? Tired, is what I am. Less and less sleep I get as the days go on. I'm not sure what it is. It's not that my bed is uncomfortable. It's fine. It's not that my brain is buzzing. I do enough homework everyday to keep that from being true. I even exercise so my body will be tired, too. And it is. I am tired, all over my body, but I still struggle to fall asleep. Really terrible. Took me more than an hour yesterday and the day before and the day before that. So exhauuust.

This morning, I ate breakfast with a hall mate named Karina. She's the same girl I went to the mall with and I always see her in the bathroom. I like her because she talks a lot and gets excited over education and crap. It's nice. Makes it easy for me to spend time with her. I sort of distrust her extroversion, but I always distrust extroversion because I don't. Get it. I mean, Liv is extroverted and I felt the same way when we first met. Anyway, Karina and I eat breakfast together a few times a week. Not on purpose. We just both get up around the same time and if we see each other in the Ratty, we hang out.

As Karina was leaving, she was all, "I like eating breakfast with you," and that was really really nice.

I said, "I like eating breakfast with you too! It's chill."

"It's chill," she agreed and then she leeeeft. And I was alone a bit, so I used that time to continue very slowly eating my honeydew melon pieces as I watched Brooklyn 9-9. But then Nick showed up a few minutes later so I put that aside.

He was all, "I love that show," only it was more enthusiastic I'm pretty sure. I was (am) tired so I tried to make him talk more than me with the aRt of QueStIOns. Well, at first I talked too much about wanting to visit home and my friends and stuff, and then I... hit the ball into his court? Ha. No, I hate that. Whatever, his turn. And he started telling me about his dreams of being an entrepreneur (man, everyone here is so ambitious). I asked him why and he was like: money. And that's fair, haha. Less boring than the response, "I like business."

He shared one business idea with me, which I thought was kind of dumb (by dumb I mean, really really improbable and maybe dangerous), but hey, if he can make it work, that's cool. He does CS and engineering so... maybe?? I 'unno. It was nice talking to him anyway. Interesting to see how the reality of him stood up next to my imagined version of him. I thought his skin was darker than it actually was. It was also funny to watch him mess up while eating (stuff that everyone does—he's not particularly sloppy or anything).

I mentioned something about being afraid/aware of the possibility of random things, like a car coming through my window and killing me any moment. He said that reminded him of the philosopher David Hume, and then told me about how Hume was like, "bro, anything can happen," and then he got depressed and holed up in his house for a few years before Nick said he learned to "not give a fuck." Hume lived a happy, celebrated life.

The whole interaction was both pleasant and uncomfortable. Yay! I'm trying to be positive. I've got to learn to embrace the Gross of Life. Which includes relationships with people. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

But the Hume thing made me think. On my way to calc, I thought to myself, hey—I know I can die any second. Actually, I realized that years ago. And I also realized that in order to survive, I have to not give a fuck. AM I BETTER THAN CELEBRATED PHILOSOPHER (although to me he's just super confusing and wordy) DAVID HUME?????? The answer is no. No, I am not. Actually, I did get super depressed. Was it because of an existential realization? Partly, yes. It was also because my psychology is... "special," as my dad put it a few days ago. I am sensitive. And anxious as fuck. And I feel like my realizations about life have come from that anxiety—not the other way around. They may feed my anxiety, but yeah. They are not the source. So Hume and I are different. We reacted similarly to a horrible fact of life, though. Still, he's celebrated (and long-dead) and I am an eighteen-year-old who spent her Sunday brainstorming ways to kill herself because she couldn't take the suffering of life anymore, lol. Ridiculous.

So: I'm not David Hume. I'm just kind of pathetic. That adjective applied to my life is weird—like, it deeply offends me, even when I say it to myself, but it's kind of true??? I mean, what kind of person is like, "Ugh, life is too hard," at 13??? I was 13??? what the fuck was wrong with me??? So menny theengs. So yes, pathetic, I am. Always apologizing and always just... blundering. I'm smart, but not smart enough that it means anything.

Sorry, the above sounds kind of sad. I'm actually in a really good mood. They had chicken fingers at the Ratty today!!! I even felt wrong listening to Brand New while at the gym today because it was almost like they were too dark for my mood!!! Do you know how rare such a thought is??? How rare it is for Brand New's music to be incongruous with my life??!?!??!

("I wanna kill it, eat my young," says Brand New in my ear just as I'm typing this—see??? dark af)

So yes, today has been goood. Also, I only had Calc, and I almost fell asleep in class (I really need to get more sleep at night but I don't know how—I might go to the Health Center at the end of the week if my mild insomnia keeps up), but whatever, it was my only class! SHit, I have not done anyyy of my reading yet. OK I oughtta do that. And also I really have to pee. Really bad. I drink sooo much water all the time.

Byyyeyee.


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