LustingforNightmares

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2017-09-17 18:50:32 (UTC)

I Seem to be Experiencing Attraction—and other thoughts


"Not the Sun" by Brand New

Be my serene
Tell me you know what I mean
You set on me but you are not the sun
You are not the sun

September 17, 2017 Sunday 6:50 PM

I just had the strangest interaction.

So I spent most of today crying and doing homework simultaneously. My head hurt and I felt lonely and I just wanted to go home, so I asked my parents if I could come visit next weekend, but they said they couldn't give me a ride due to some expenses or whatever. So I checked the bus routes but they all take 6 hours and cost $50, and it just seems like a waste of time for only a day and a half of home time. So I cried a lot and argued with my parents as they asked me a bunch of worried questions and tried to call me, lol (I never answered). I've been in the same state of anxiety and pain all day.

As a way to relieve myself, I walked to the main green (which is so beautiful) and wrote a list of Ways to Kill Myself (immature, I know). Pretty much the only viable option was overdosing. Why is that my MO. I'm about to get a 3-month supply of lexapro, anyway, but unlike my last overdose (which was 25 Seroquel pills, 400 mg each), my pills are only 20 mg now. So even if I have a 90 day supply, I only have a total of 1,800 mg where before I had 10,000 mg in my body. Not saying it's a good idea either way. Besides, I don't know the threshold at which the body is like, "Shit, I'm puking this up." Maybe the 10,000 mg wouldn't have killed me. Except for I think it would have, actually, because after I did the whole charcoal-drinking thing, I passed out and was unconscious for like a day or something. Who knows, maybe that was induced??? I have no idea. So yes, I would take a bunch of pills in an isolated place because I don't want my poor roommate to have to find my dead body. Instead, lets subject a random person to that sort of psychological scarring!!! I was thinking about doing it in like a basement, or a bathroom in a building that is open late at night. Somewhere there won't be a lot of people for a while.

This is all just brainstorming, though. A relief. When I actually think of death, I am like, "No thank you," and that's that. I will be okay. I am just homesick and lonely right now. And experiencing really violent emotional turbulence.

I still have a headache.

I went to get some food to eat here, alone, in my dorm and I saw Nick on the way. This is where the weird interaction comes in. At first, he was walking with someone else and I was into being emo while jamming to Brand New ("You Won't Know") on the way to the Ratty (dining hall). When I got in the Ratty, I got a take-out box and started filling my box with a cheeseburger and fries (not healthy but fuk u everything else looked gross). I was struggling to get a slice of espresso chocolate cake when Nick walked up and was like, "Hi," and I was like, "Hi," and we probably said stuff like, "wow, I haven't seen you in forever," and I think I definitely said, "How've you been," or some variation of that. "How's life"?

He said, "Stressful but awesome," and he seemed like he was telling the truth. His hair was sort of mussed up but he was smiling. Cute.

I said something dumb about having had a bad day. The whole thing was very awkward for some reason. My tentative theory is that we were both excited to see each other so we had no idea what to say, and I will back this up in a moment with some circumstantial evidence. Also, the Ratty was at peak feeding time, so it was loud and crowded and it's hard to converse in that sort of environment. He tried to help me pick up the cake but I gave up because I was worried I was holding up the dessert line and, besides, I didn't want to plop that cake in my container only for it to mix with the pile of ketchup I squirted for my fries. If I want something sweet, I can go to the vending machine later.

So we said goodbye after a couple more awkward lines, and I headed over to the drink station to... surprise... get a drink. Seltzer orange juice. My neighbors always called the mixture a "barbie" and it is delicious.

I saw Nick walk out of one of the food lines and look around for a place to sit. I continued observing him, turning around when it looked like he was about to turn around and catch me, which is a no-no. Well, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I am OK with being a creep. But I try to avoid it, because I prefer to Not be a creep (you're only a creep if peeps know ur creepin').

He walked by as I glanced around (I am a frequent glance-arounder) and smiled at me. And then as I was walking away from the drink machine—and this is the weird part—we made eye contact again. It's weird because both of us were walking in opposite directions and looked over our shoulders at each other at the same time. I felt a little pleasant twist in my gut, which I am sure is "attraction," but it is never strong enough to be more than just confusing.

That was such a weird... interaction... Because it involved so little speaking and so much eye contact. Like. That's weird. That's super weird.

Nick is on my shortlist of People I Fantasize About Before I Go to Sleep. My fantasies are very tame. Mostly just cuddling. I like to imagine I meet someone who doesn't want to have sex and we both just hang around, not having sex. But part of the problem with the lack of sex fantasy is that I know, in real life, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I would want sex. But immediately after wanting it, I would feel very, very, very, very awful. Still, fantasies are not supposed to be therapy, goddamnit. I don't have to think about my sexual issues while I'm trying to sleep.

So yeah. I fantasize about people. But that does not mean I like them, necessarily. I fantasize about Adrian, for example. I try to get used to the idea of us dating, sometimes, because it still sort of feels inevitable while other times the thought is just super gross. Sometimes I fantasize about couples who don't include me. It's nice to have representations of humanity without the glaring flaws (big flaws are fine—I mean the regular, small flaws, the ones that are annoying or unattractive. Those are the depressing flaws).

OK well. My mood changed because of the interaction. I feel a little more joyful, although my head hurts more now.

"Ah, those mercurial youths!" is probably what an old person would say to this entry, except for they probably wouldn't use those words (how do old ppl talk?). Or maybe they would. I know they have a tendency towards sentimentality... But, sorry, that's a generalization. Every generation is sentimental as fuck. Even us young 'uns, always idealizing memories and fantastic futures and shit.

Okay. Time to eat food and rest before continuing my homework.


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