Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2017-09-17 11:26:14 (UTC)

Mental Breakdown

I'm kinda tired. I woke up really early, it's 4am right now. I'm going to stay up and just type something out on here. I feel like someone is watching me through my window, I should be scared but I feel like sooner or later they'll make noise. Just image me calling the police or me just stabbing someone with a pencil to get them off me. At least I'm not naked.

I found out a few days ago that my mom has cancer. You have no idea how much that broke me. It hurt so much. My dad is sick and now my mom is too. I don't want them to leave me. They're all I have. They're my whole world, my world is shattering in pieces slowly.

I had a mental breakdown at school on Wednesday. It was after school and it was with my teacher, no one else was there but her. On that day, I felt like my buttons were being pushed too much and couldn't help but break down. And I was so composed too.

I wrote a paper about the policies of child abuse and child molestation, which I only had less than 24 hours to do so the paper is a bit of crap but I feel like my point came across. In my opinion, I don't like the paper at all and I feel like I could have done a lot better. My teacher read it and he told me that he was a victim of child molestation and that the people who violated him weren't caught. He used to be an alcoholic, and he said it's something that he talked about in his AA meetings as something that really bothered him. I guess there are victims all around which is something that really pisses me off.

In my English class, we had to write a paper about ourselves. These are the types of assignments that I don't volunteer to contribute to in class discussions. I can get rather depressing. So I wrote this paper about me being a liar, and how I lie that I am happy, that I am a fluffy ball full of confidence, that I am a certain person. Do you get it, I'm basically lying to myself so I call myself a liar. Well, my teacher thought of my word and said that she didn't like it because she saw me as a fluffy ball full of confidence and as a sweet girl. She kept on pushing harder, I know she told me that if I felt pressured that it was okay for me to tell her to stop. She asked more question that I kept thinking darker and darker answers to. Then she asked me if I hated myself. Then I told her that I was most likely depressed. Then she asked why. And I broke down crying, doing that annoying hiccupy thing, man I really do hate talking about myself in public. I told her about my parents and how I was worried about the future. She counseled me and she practically wrote my paper. I feel so embarrassed that I cried like that in front of my teacher. She looked like she was about to cry too. Then she told me that she was going to have throat surgery soon. Her kids are adults but I'm sure they feel the same way that I do. So she changed my word because she thought that it didn't suit me and she practically wrote the paper for me. I feel really bad about it honestly. I reread that paper and it was shit, like beyond shit. I'm never going to have her be an editor for my paper again, I'll just ask her to highlight the parts that need more explaining and write that paper myself. We were so emotional that my paper turned out as shit lol. I really hope she'll be okay. She's a nice teacher. I'll type about my worries soon, in case any of you are curious.

Once I got home that day, I burst out crying in front of my family. Everyone kept on trying to cheer me up which wasn't so bad. I ended up staying home the next day. I just needed a break from school.

-kr7
I'm not all that sad today. Hmm I think I'm going to go out for a walk today. Ace told me that he can't chat with me too often because he has to study. That makes me a bit sad, but I actually really do agree with him (I spend way to much time chatting with him and I am sure he is getting stressed out by school right about now) . I'll miss seeing those ocean, blue eyes. Well, till next time from the not sad Karma.




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