This life
2017-09-17 02:31:40 (UTC)

Mommy issues

I think I need a therapist. I go through moods where I wonder if mom will call or text on my birthday on Wednesday. I wonder if I'll answer. I sometimes think its up to me to make the first move and text her. Then I get angry because her sister only said those things in the text she sent because of things my mother told her. I'm so damn conflicted. Sad, defiant, pissed, trying to get to the point where I can completely let it go and act like she doesn't exist. I'm so defiant, I put all the plants she left me at the end of the driveway on shelves for people to take away for free. I don't want the responsibility of keeping them alive and being reminded of her all the fucking time. I'm so pissed I'm packing up all the canned food goods she's been hoarding. I've taken 17 boxes to SHARE here in Milford. I'm only half done. I want to do anything I can to erase the memory of her. Well I guess I don't need a therapist. I want to erase the memory of her. That will take time. But remodeling the house and throwing her shit away feels good. Ya know the things she left behind, the furniture and big stuff, all belonged to Raymond. Her second husband before he died from cancer. She didn't take any of his stuff with her. The stuff she left "me" was stuff from Raymond's parents after they passed away. I swore to Raymond never to repeat what he said to me once about her. I never have. It's been almost 10 years. And I know how she treats people, including me. She's very selfish and not a nice person unless she is trying to impress you for some reason. Unless there is something in it for her. I think she just wanted to go to Tennessee and didn't want to wait for Kurt and I to retire. She got enough sympathy from crying poor me about my dad being up here that her sisters rallied around her and rescued her from her awful situation. That's probably what makes the most sense. She wanted to get her own way and found a way to do it. God that makes so much sense. In that scheming little head of hers that's probably exactly what she did to get to Tennessee sooner. She used my dad as the scapegoat. I wonder why I never put this together. I was wallowing in my sadness, trying to live with the blame and the shame of loosing my mom when she did this on purpose. She did this on purpose! It may have started out hating my dad, but she seized the opportunity to get to Tennessee. Wow. I even moved Dad into my tiny home to give her her house back and it wasn't good enough. Because she wanted to go to Tennessee. It all makes so much sense why she made so little sense. OK. So now there is some VERY bad blood between us and she is blaming me. OK. That way no one knows she played them. Wow. I would like to have this out with her and make her admit it. I doubt I'll ever get the chance. It's just a guess, but it makes so much sense!