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2017-09-15 19:48:51 (UTC)

bits of you

"Waste" by Brand New [my favorite part of my favorite song by them, I think, maybe..]

I'm hoping that in time, you can lay down
All this weight you've been carrying around
And maybe one day
You'll find your way to climb on up out of your grave
With the bits of you you managed to save
And for the last time
You say goodbye

September 15, 2017 Friday 7:54 PM

Try to explain it:

I spent the morning feeling Gross. It was something like 90% humidity. You'd think, being from a humid place (yes, upstate NY is wet as fuck) I'd be used to it, but I still hate it. Always coated with some saran wrap heavy-ass air, smeared all up in the skin, in the creases of my eyelids, in my armpits, shining across the bridge of my nose. Gross.

I went to the dentist, because my dumbass infection came back (recap??? I got my wisdom teeth removed --> had an infection in my lower right jaw pretty much as soon as I got here --> it came back a couple days ago), and he did some painful stuff to my mouth. I think he called it irrigation and some other thing. Because he dug around my gums with his needle-y tool thang, pushed out some pus, pretty much made me cry as I struggled to keep my mouth open lol. This is the third time he has done this (he did it at the last follow-up as well) and I am still never prepared for the paaain.

(Fuck, my roommate is talking on the phone so loud that I can hear her over the music blasting in my headphones... wow. w o w)

It's better than being drugged up in some ways, though. There is something kind of nice about pain. It really narrows your focus. I am always overwhelmed by the world, flooded by thoughts even when I'm empty of substance. But pain is action potentials, from flesh to the spine and back again. It is meant to hold your attention—that's literally why it exists. So it takes every spare bit, every part of me, and pulls me into a single point of sensation.

It is unbearable.

But in retrospect, a relief.

Definitely not at the time, lol. I do not like being hurt (do I have low pain tolerance? lol, probs). I remember the pain getting bigger in my tooth as he dug further in. Just huge, expanding. I only had room for one line of thought and it was this kind of silly thing: it felt like a migraine in my jaw. And I mean, it kind of did. It was horrible, inflamed pain in cresting waves, it just had a different locus. Plus Migraines are not as sharp and they make me nauseas.

Speaking of which, I've had a headache for days now, since sometime over the weekend, I just can't remember. It lasts. It lasts. I went to sleep with it last night, still there when my eyes were half open at eight in the morning.

Also, on Wednesday, I felt very freaked out by the world, very terrified and very sad and very empty on the inside. After awhile, I had this feeling that everything existed somewhere else. I dug my fingernails into my thumb, which was pleasant because it hurt but didn't break skin, I could do it without anyone noticing, and my four fingers against the bone looked like piglets suckling a sow. Quite nice, quite nice.

Here is how my week went, people.

Monday: :(
Tuesday: :)
Wednesday: :(
Thursday: :(
Friday: :)

As you can see, I've been struggling with some mood swings. Exhausting things, they are.

As I was walking back from the dentist, I hated the wet air and the sunlight. But also it was beautiful, so I didn't really hate it, I couldn't. What I hated, I decided, was my perception of the world. I've always been a little bit wrong for it, though. Always uncomfortable in it. Maybe I just have the wrong idea of life. Maybe it's all about the discomfort, and discomfort is so normal that no one ever thinks to mention it. In books and movies, the people always look so pleasant and dry and happy and clean. Which is why I like books that are gross, like Bukowski, because see he gets it. He gets that books are supposed to be lifelines, windows, whatever metaphor you want to use I don't know the point is I connected with his kind of awful honesty.

I wanna be the kind of person who can talk about the gross world as it is.


I'm on my period and it's especially gross because of the humidity. I get my period about every 5 weeks, so I sort of forget what it's like to live the blood life until it happens again. I feel like I'm sitting in a pool of my own liquified uterus lining??? Nasty. Just wanna reach in and scrape it out, be done with it. But then I'd have blood under my nails.

Earlier, as I watched some blood drip into the toilet, I had the thought, hey, what if they dripped onto my shoes. And my shoes are a very bright white. Splatter, all over them. That'd be embarrassing.

Someone (I used the image of a guy I see around frequently, another freshman) would ask, "What's that on your shoes? Looks like blood," probably joking or I don't know.

I would say, "Oh. I murdered someone earlier. Guess I forgot to clean the blood off."

And they would laugh and I didn't decide if I would laugh too or not. Because in my mind, the goal of that statement was to get them to stop asking me questions so they wouldn't find out that its period blood 'cause that's embarrassing.

They'd say, "No, seriously," a placeholder phrase for something more realistic, perhaps.

And I'd say, "Seriously," which is another placeholder because I can't respond to a statement that does not yet exist.


I became happy very suddenly. Don't know what happened exactly. I missed Philosophy because I was at the dentist, so instead I went back to my room and sat on my bed and played gamed/watched Brooklyn 99. God, I am obsessed with that show right now, but I can already tell its not The Best Show Ever. It ranks around Parks and Recs level of funny/memorable. Which, for me, is not particularly high. The Office is higher. And Rick and Morty is even higher than that, brrroooo.

Fuck my head hurts! I am afraid I am going to die! Maybe of an aneurism, or septicemia from my infection! Who knows!

I am such a gross human being. This should be a good thing. But I cannot view it as suuuuch.

Anyway, yes, I became really happy. I was playing a game called Wonderputt on coolmath-games and it reminded me of Mr. Sandwich, whom I love and miss. I e-mailed him a link and told him to send me the score. I want to hug him and tell him he is one of my favorite people in this entire universe, which is not saying as much as I'd like 'cause I am not very familiar with the universe at all, but you get what I'm saying.

I also got an e-mail from the Literature workshop leader offering me a spot in the Literature class and that made me very happy! It means I drop philosophy, which is a little sad but also okay because that means I don't have to read 120 pages of Presocratic mumbo-jumbo every week and I won't have to write four essays for the semester. N i c e. I really hope her offer stands. I think it does. But I am still a little scared it will be taken away from me somehow. I want this class so bad. So bad. So bad.

More than any other class. I went to the first one and it was amazing. Fun. Way better than any of my other classes. Except for Calc. Calc is pretty fun. Neuro, surprisingly boring. Mostly review. Chem is hell, as usual. Yay!!!

Oh god, I am ecstatic, I am happy! My head hurts, but I am happy! I don't understand how I can go from the dreariness of this morning to the beauty of now, but it has been happening very much this week and I suppose I shouldn't bother questioning it unless it persists.


I might be FRIENDS with a girl down the hall! Man. A friend?!??! What is that?!?!! I am so thankful, if we are friends.

Also, I know I hate on my roommate sometimes, but she is really nice and pure and I do wish her the best. She is easy to live with.
God, I love this song!

Went to counseling on Wednesday, cried by accident, did not like crying. I think I concerned the lady with my deep-seated issues, but she is a professional so probably not too much. I hope I can find a real therapist soon because, despite my present happiness, I am having a hard time adjusting. My moods are inconsistent and more often than not, they are bad.

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