Lucifer

Words Spelled From Heart
2017-09-13 16:28:08 (UTC)

The Ugly Truth

Dear Raffae,
I told you how unwell I felt yesterday, right?
Guess what? Today in the morning, no one else was there. I was alone and since I was sick of being alone all the time in my home, I put up my head phones, and I rested my head on my arms.
As the current jam, “Perfect Places” was blaring in my ears. After 15 min or so, someone jerked me up. I lifted my head and saw Susmita. She seemed really worried. I thought she must have worried for me. So I offered her a smile that said “Nah. It’s all good.” But I guess, that didn’t convince her. She asked me if I slept yesterday night or not. You see, unable to suppress myself anymore, I had shared a little tid bit of my original mood to her, telling her about the night I couldn’t sleep. I answered her weakly that yeah, I actually did. Hearing my voice, she asked, if I was crying the previous night too because my voice as she said is a little suppressed today. At that my throat closed up and I couldn’t answer her. I guess she got her answer for she said, “You know, you have really expressive eyes.” She said it happens with her too from time to time.
A note here. See, she’s not a bit dumb. Heck, she’s so much smarter than all my girl classmates from school like Suchismita, Chandreyee, Sneha, Mousumi and whoever else they were. And I really really appreciate her friendship. It was so new for me to see someone be so good without any tantrums or anything. And she’s really down to earth about it.
Then she looked at her hands and said that sometimes it’s all okay. I asked her what. She said, “To be not alright sometimes.”
And you know, I’ve been craving to hear those words for months. No one ever said that to me. Everyone said “It’s alright.”“It will be okay in the end.” “It’s all good.” But none of them ever said that sometimes it’s alright to not be okay. Because every one of them wants to hear that it’s all going good. That’s it all improving and stuff. No one wants to hear that in reality it’s not. That I’m concealing all of that. Because I don’t want their pity on me. Don’t want their sympathy because what would they know about me. And honestly, if I say that no, it’s not going all good for me, I just know what they’ll think. They will think “Oh well, there she goes. Dramatizing and exaggerating it again. Who the fuck wants to bear it.” And I don’t want that.
Of course if I say this to them, they’ll act all nice and say “no honey, it’s alright”, but I know what thy’d think internally. They’ll think “Man, what a drag.” And I think, I’ve self respect left in me that I’d prefer to be not be the one who generates that thought in them.
Want example? Fine. I’ll give ya.
Yesterday night, he replied me 2 days after something I had written even though the message was seen long ago, saying “Hi.There? How are you?” Immediately, I typed a whole passage, then, I thoughtabout the above and I deleted all of it and said “Yeah. Fine, I think.”
And I was right about it. It’s better to not tell him about any of this. Now I think, he’d even get this or not. Because today only he told me this that about his college friends and what antics they were all up to.
See? I was right. If I had said any of it, it would have been ruined for him. And I’d have become someone to whom whenever he remembered he’d think “Oh there goes my good mood. Get ready to ruin a good cheer with her.” Heck no. I don’t want that to happen. And so he’s far out the list of people to whom I can speak my mind to.
Everytime some one asks me how am I. I think how do you tell them the truth when you don’t even know which version they wanna hear.
And of course, no body wants the ugly truth. And that’s why I won’t tell it. I won’t tell it to anyone presently in my life what I’m going through. They are all think that I’m cray cray anyways.
Okay. I’ll see ya tmrw.
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