Lucifer

Words Spelled From Heart
2017-09-11 16:41:31 (UTC)

Chaos

Dear Raffae,
I know. Today I’ve wrote way too many entries.
It’s just my head is awfully chaotic today.
From the morning I’ve done a lot many things to distract myself. But you know, being alone most of the time in your home, doesn’t exactly offer you a great many choices to distract yourself.
I’ve studied. I’ve studied way too much today. I did 200 problems in one go in the morning. Didn’t take a break or anything. My class is tomorrow, I’m way ahead of it. Sadly, that didn’t do it for me.
It’s just when you’re alone at your home for more than 7 hours, with nothing to distract you, you experience that your thoughts, dark dark thoughts, bounce off the walls and come right at you.
I’ve downloaded some new music. I heard that. I read an old book. I cleaned my study table. I arranged my wardrobe. But alas! Nothing. Absolutely nothing worked.
I even read Manga and watched Animes. Nothing is working.
I spent a good two hours on social media too. After a time, got bored with it. I tried cooking something, which, failed miserably. Let’s face it. I don’t have the knack for cooking.
At last, as the last try, I reverted to you.
I thought, well, may as well write something randomly.
You see, there’s no specific reason for this entry. Basically, I’m just writing whatever is coming into my mind at the moment.
I’m not feeling good. That’s the only way I can sum it up. I’m feeling way too much sadness than my usual quota.
I…I simply can not explain it well.
And that also means I can’t say this to anyone in real life, without being labeled as “Drama Queen”. I’m just not feeling at home lately.
Most of the time, when ever I write any entry here, I mostly cry along with writing. Not an all out bawling. Just silent tears rolling down my cheeks. Because writing the stuff that goes in my head, takes a helluva courage from me. But the tragedy is, I can’t speak it in reality.
Then there’s the fact that even if I gather the guts to speak to someone, there’s no one to listen to me.
Why?
Scratch parents because A)Most of the time, they are too busy in their office work and B) Their own lives are messed up.
Him? Scratch. Too busy. And I don’t really wanna disturb. Even though he’ll say he doesn’t mind, but in reality I just know I’ll become a burden. Anyone will after a certain limit. After all, he’s only human. Why should I deprive him of his good time?
Friends? Who are even they now? Had the illusion. By mercy of God, that broke before I became their laughing stock.
FIITJEE friends? Not close enough. After all how can I dump everything that I’m thinking on someone whom I just met, all at once?
Any other close people? None.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Poor thing. You’re right. Heck, I even pity myself.
I don’t know, I feel like, getting drunk now. Or getting high or something illegal shit. I’ve heard that they stop your thought processes. I’d welcome that. Truly. But that option is out of reach too.
Ugh.
Great. I’ve no choice but to continue rambling here virtually.
K. See ya later.




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