LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-09-10 14:49:33 (UTC)

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"Same Logic/Teeth" by Brand New
It’s hard to walk through all the places that your life used to be in
So you thought you’d shed a layer, maybe try on some new skin
Your friends are all imaginary, your shrink stopped answering her phone
So you decide to make incisions at your home while you’re alone, all alone

But you’re no tailor, you’re no surgeon, none of your cuts go very straight
Every new layer you uncover reveals something else you hate
And then you cracked your head, and broke some bones
And when you glued them back together you found out you did it wrong

Well this is the same logic that got us into trouble the first time
(When we discovered we could use)
The same logic to get us out of trouble
And shake off all the people we abuse

September 10, 2017 Sunday 2:49 PM

The struggle of adjusting. I feel ghostly.

I don't really have friends. I mean, I guess I had some buddies in my pre-orientation program, but we don't share classes so we're all scattered around. I see my friend Tina around, but sometimes I get tired of her. Other than that, I mostly eat alone and live alone. Sometime, it's lonely but other times it's nice. I just like to be by myself, which is why I don't really go out of my way to socialize—socializing puts me in a bad mood. But then, if I don't socialize, I won't have any people to be with later, when I actually want to do things.

It's lonely at night when I don't have anything to do and when there are parties going on two doors down. Pumping music and shit, people laughing in the halls, and me in bed trying to sleep even though it's only 10 PM. It makes me think about how I should probably have friends by now (even though I know it's okay that I don't). It makes me think that I want to drink. I want to get drunk and dizzy, brain swinging from side to side.

But then at the same time, I don't want to get drunk with strangers. Even with friends, it can be risky. Like a couple nights before I left home, with Soom, Alexis, and Adrian. I don't even know if I wrote about this—probably not. It's always a hassle to write the morning after, lol. We drank a bit, almost peed on a stop sign (that part was while we were still sober, waiting for Adrian to steal some 43% alcohol from his house. Soom and Alexis were able to pee, but a car came when I was supposed to and besides I had pee anxiety). Back at Alexis's house, where we decided to drink, the 43% got to us fast.

It is the nastiest stuff I've ever tasted. It's like hot lava down the throat, some kind of painful static. Burning a hole in my stomach. But I kept it down. I feel like I drank the slowest out of everyone. I still got very drunk, drunker than I have been since I was 15. First to go was Alexis. She got extremely drunk—like, to where we were all worried about her. Falling over and throwing up sort of drunk. Even though I was pretty bad myself, Adrian and I spent the night taking care of Alexis and Soom. Mostly because some bad shit happened between them due to Alexis's drunkness and Soom's own personal traumas, so... yeah.

I was mostly fine except for I was all over Adrian, which was what we call Not Good. At some point, we got in a very compromising position while we were talking. My legs were around his waist??? And he was.... sort of humping me. And, gah, I felt it. Sorry, I know I sound like a toddler, but just remembering it—I just feel like Adrian should be sexless, but he isn't.

I wasn't bothered by this. But that was 'cause I was not in the right mindset. Looking back, I am kind of disturbed by the moment.

Worse, is I told Adrian some things I should not have. I may... or may not... have given him this idea that I would've dated him had it not been for my many issues. But, like, fuck. Maybe that's true to an extent, but there are soooo many other reasons I wouldn't touch Adrian. He's too wild for me, too ridiculous, too loving (doesn't sound like a bad thing but sort of is), gahhh. I just really hope I didn't give him the wrong idea. I probably did. Man, why do I always do this to him? I'm such an asshole. Well, fuck, whatever. I'm not sure what to do about it now. Even if I brought it up, I don't know what I'd say.

I just want to be his friend! Why is it that, every time we're close, If feel obligated to do mooore????? Ok... not the time, self, not the time.

The complications between Soom and Alexis are "resolved" (although I have the feeling there is still some underlying distrust that will remain between them). I still talk to Adrian like I always do. Everything is okay. I am glad I was among friends, is the ultimate point, I guess. 'Cause otherwise... What stranger would I have been cuddling with? I make bad decisions about boys sometimes. Stuff I am never ready for, things I always feel ashamed of, even if it's barely anything.

Oh. I also remember telling Soom (and re-telling Adrian?) about the whole Pencil Incident I mentioned some entries back. I said to Adrian, "Sometimes I think maybe that's why I knew about sex so early on," and Soom said, "That is why. That is definitely why." and I trust her because Soom would know. Soom would know.

But also. I am wary of my own dumb memories. I still wish it hadn't been brought up because I overthink that shit. Everything is okay. Everything has always been okay.

---

So far, the work is OK. It reminds me a bit of New Visions (which was kind of an early college program). Lots of independence, lots of reading, that kind of stuff.

Man, my head hurts. I am so uninspired. I don't want to do anything.

Wait it out, is mah motto. Bye.


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