kittytatt

Life's endless thoughts and questions via 32 yr old single mother
2017-09-09 22:40:43 (UTC)

This is just the beginning...

How could this happen? How could someone be so cold? Play with peoples emotions with out a single thought of them? Feed them all sorts of happy bullshit gain their trust and then drop them like a used piece of trash? Still with absolutely no regard for them. After only two days ago they really care about you and you mean something to them. I am not mad that I got dumped, I get it shit happens. I am pissed because they lied to me. I didn’t ask for those words to be spoken. I didn’t ask, Do I mean something to you? I didn’t ask, Do you care about me. Those were words that were not fished for, which is why I am pissed. If you really did care about someone and they really did mean something to you, you would never drop them like they didn’t exist 24 hours later. How fucked are you mentally to play games like that. Mind you, I am a modern girl and down for the occasional fling, if it was only about the hook up then just say its for a hook up. Though I don’t think that was the real motivation behind all this (but shit I was wrong believing this fuck boy) so really anything goes. I am just saying that was a very elaborate and drawn out way to just get laid, if indeed that was the only motive.
Maybe this is my karma coming, Lord knows I deserve it. And I know it to, deep down. I need you Father God more than ever. I have failed miserably and I can not go through this life without You. I surrender my life to you. You give me everything that I have and I have never been more blessed. Blessed with a wonderful job, blessed with two loving, caring, beautiful children, blessed in family and friends. I surely do not deserve all your blessings, I am humbled. Please let my gaze focus back on You Dear God. Please let me forget this pain in my heart for something that is so superficial, false, not real. I don’t know if it is my heart that hurts so stupidly or if my pride is so bruised and it fills me with anger. I think it’s a weird mix of both. When neither one should be present. My mom was right…. I am not the fool that trusted and believed…. He is the dirt bag plain and simple.
I have exhausted my efforts in trying to get back at said dirt bag through a series of nasty text messages but all of which I believe go undelivered because for the coward ball-less boy that he is more than likely blocked my number. Either way it gives me some small solace getting my feelings off my chest, which I was never given the courtesy of having. I blew my chance when I went to call him out for ghosting. I wish I had listened to my gut feeling and had been better prepared. But I so naively was hoping that everything was indeed ok, like what the dirt bag had said 24 hours before. I am not the fool…. He is the dirt bag.
Maybe I am more pissed at myself for even feeling this way. I know better than that. I knew better than that!! I let myself down for not being on guard, walls up, no trust. But instead I went against everything I have lived by so foolishly. Opening up to someone, being comfortable with someone that didn’t deserve or earn it.
I am not the fool …. He is the dirt bag…
For whatever reason I am going on this road, I know it is for the best. I have to trust that. God would never lead me somewhere I shouldn’t be. He has a beautiful woven tapestry laid before him and can see His masterpiece with such ease, whilst I am on the other side looking at the tangled mess of the different threads weaving this way and that way not able to make heads or tails. But trust His finished work is perfect and beautifully laid out in front of me. I have to trust Him and not go against Him thinking that I know what is best for my life. He has given me so much while I am not worthy, why would I ever doubt him now. God is good and loves unconditionally.
I am strong, I am fierce, I am a warrior through God. I am only able to be these things because He has blessed me. I need never to forget that.
God it just hurts so bad this uncomfortably feeling inside my chest. Why must we have these heartbreaks? How do we grow? Is it to protect ourselves against an even more vicious predator down the road? So that way we are wiser the next time around? You live and learn kind of thing? I just don’t understand how I could forget these crucial heart saving skills in a blink. Is it because I so desperately want this ideal situation that I am willing to jump at anything that walks by and just close my eyes and hope for the best? I just don’t understand, the very thing I left behind, is the very thing I want the most. But that is not entirely fair…. I would have never been truly happy in my marriage, I know that. I may have learned to accept it and live in it but my soul would have never been satisfied, knowing that I was settling. So I did the unthinkable and uprooted EVERYONES life so I might find my true happiness. Extremely selfish but I just didn’t know what else to do, I longed for the ideal best friend husband not the reliable roommate that I currently had and all I would ever have.
Well….. I am turning a new leaf today…. I am trusting God cause I sure as heck have no idea what I am doing…..


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