Pretty4AFatGirl

Fat Girl Problems
2017-09-09 14:58:22 (UTC)

Hate & Rage

I know to the normal person this may seem like all I think about is "A" and that's it.. however..thats just the thing in my life that I have NO ONE to talk to.. I can't just tell anyone in my family about him & what we go thru or anything. & Yeah sometimes I can tell him & we talk & its all whatever.. but I don't want to bother him. I feel like I burden him so much with all of my shit. I feel like I've lost who I was with him. I used to be so chill... & I think he forgot that about me. I think he just sees this negative person who hates everyone & everything. I don't think he sees me for who I am anymore. But I've gotten a little lost & had to deal with so much that it weighs on me... I hate to think that's all he thinks of me. I wanna be a good thing in his life... bc he has a lot of shitty things in his life... he has a lot of pressure & I don't want to be one of those things.

But also.. I can be happy & I can be positive, and he will ask me if I am drunk or something. And that upsets me bc I think "Wow, do I have to be drunk in your eyes to be happy??? This is who I really am!" I don't think anyone could grasp what it is like to deal with what I deal with daily. What I wake up with on my mind. From everything in my life I have been through.. & then there is him... he is the best thing in my life..yet it is the most confusing thing & hard thing. I have to keep everything inside of me. I can't just let it out.

There's things that I think about him..that I shouldn't think... & it's not what I believe about him.. it's just more so what I think of me. I will sit here & think that I am this joke or that I was used again like my 'ex' used me. I've never sent anyone nude pictures before, and I sent them to "A" & sometimes the way we joke around I wonder if he forgot or that he doesn't wanna think about them bc he was drunk & made a mistake.. that he didn't care.. bc.. when we did that he KNEW I was in love with him... so was he playing with me..using me..or did it mean something? I don't wanna group him in with all the other guys I've had in my life... because I truly believe he is different. Everyone has always tried to form an opinion about him but I feel like I really know him.. they all wanna say he is shallow..but I don't believe that about him. I mean.. maybe I'm just this secret fetish for him.. maybe he'd never go public with me if he had been single..but..i also don't fully believe that either.. again, this isn't really bc I think bad of him..it's bc of how badly I think about myself... the point is.. I never have done things that I have done with him... nudes, the conversations... just everything..I did with him bc it was him... but what if....what if I was just whatever to him... it makes me feel ...really low sometimes..

I don't think of myself as someone who a guy could fall for..and I really don't believe he fell for me.. but sometimes I let my mind wander & get too confident and think yeah maybe he did or does feel a certain way about me... but let's be clear....he is very vocal about me needing to get over my bullshit with him...that's how he says it..and to me I feel like he makes fun of it sometimes.. & I get mad at him... bc I know what I feel for him is real.. & I know what I want for him... I know my love for him is real & pure.. & everything it should be..but.. he'd rather be where he is I guess.. & I'm not good enough..

Sometimes I even think he told me things or did things with me just to build my confidence.. but then again..who knows.. he is protective of me.. that I do know.. I've seen it, I've heard it.. but before he got engaged he had told me we would hang out.. but we never did.. and for some reason he saved my address in his phone.. but why? We all know he will never come here. It's almost like broken promises.. he will joke about coming here & blah blah... & I get sad when he does bc to me.. it's not a joke. I would LOVE to be able to hang out with him.. but I am a frend that he can't see...he can't just tell his wife 'yeah I'm gonna go chill at Blair's." I feel like he deletes our messages every night.. I feel like he doesn't talk to me much online when she is around or awake..or if he does he is very short with me. And the later it gets the more talkative he is.. he doesn't open up unless he has been drinking bc he doesn't really know how to vocalize or open up sober..

He told me he was full of hate & rage one night... and I told him maybe its bc of his life..his surroundings & right away he shut it down.. but I mean I was trying to be honest.. I can't just say "Hey... you are more angry now... ever since you've moved in with her, you've changed a little, more & more" but it's bc of all the pressure he is under... I wish he could just walk away bc I feel the anger & rage every day.. I'm the one that deals with it.. & that's fine..he texted me one night and apologized & said he was sorry he took it out on me & how he is just so angry & I told him it was okay bc I am his best friend..but the truth is, yes I take it bc I am his best friend..but I also take it bc I am in love with him..bc I love him that much.. but it doesn't matter to him...

I think I also get mad bc I know everything he is dealing with & it ruins our time together..bc it effects him & then it effects me. But I'm not completely innocent bc I take my shit out on him too. But I will say this, when we argue... we get over it quickly. We can go from pissed to crying to laughing so quickly.. bc idk why actually. It's easy with him.. communicating with him.. is easy to me. I hold back a lot & whatever, but I think it is bc we don't judge eachother..that even tho we live totally separate lives.. we come from the same shit.. we've struggled..we've had ppl make us feel like we are not good enough.. we've had everyone try to tear us apart & somehow..here we are.. we don't conform to what people expect. We're strong.. and together...we're unbeatable. I love that about us..

We're both angry.. but I think we help eachother. I mean, for me..he makes my days better. As pathetic as it sounds, he is what I look forward to everyday..he keeps me sane. And he can go days and days without talking to me..without thinking about me.. but for me.. he makes me better. & I think if he'd just have given me a chance.. we could have been really happy together. Just being us...

He says I think too much..but it's true.. in the future, I will have no place in his life.. I feel like I barely do now. I feel like he has to cover me up..I'm not dumb, I know the pressure he is under..but he doesn't have to be under that pressure. & I think why I get so angry or whatever..is bc I watched my brother go through the same thing.. I couldn't save my brother... And I wanna save "A"... but he's a man.. he wil have to save himself.. he will have to learn his lesson himself.. I just hope he does before it's too late. Because he deserves everything good in this life.. he's with someone who will never respect him. And it's not real love.... & I wish so badly I could show him..




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