✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-09-06 16:46:00 (UTC)

What I Love


Dear Reader,

I woke up this morning, and noticed that I have a cold sore in the middle of my upper lip.

It's enormous, and my lip was swollen too.

It'll be a few days before it goes away completely.


I wanted to write an entry about how if I ever were to have kids, I would always ensure they knew I was always there for them.


I was supposed to have gone to the doctors today with my grandma, but didn't get to.

We worked on the stupid cabinet today also, which took forever, and we didn't even finish because the hinges are being stupid.


And so this evening grandma was telling me good night through my door while I was standing there.
She comments about the open drawer on my chest of drawers behind me, about how it's open, and that one of these days I'm going to hit my head on it by backing into it.

Then she scowls, and says "You need to put your CLOTHES in that." She says loud, and then trails off and says quieter, "And throw out all that.. stuff." She turns away as she says it. She says it in a hateful, and disgusted way.

The "stuff" she's referring to, is my entire life's collection of art/craft supplies. I have received a lot of it as gifts, and have purchased with my own money, AND I use it all very often.

She actually started to use another word in the place of stuff. She actually meant to say Shit, but stopped herself.

It does fill the entire dresser, and yes it is a lot.. but it's still being used, and I still have value in all of it.
And I have another piece of furniture not even two steps away from it, that DOES hold my clothes.

And I said "This thing holds my clothes." As I patted it with my hand. She gives me a cold look and says, "You don't have a lot clothes, do you?"

And I said "Nope, I don't."

And she replies walking away. "Well, you should buy yourself some more."

Yeah, like money grows on fucking trees right? I DO use the money I earn to buy clothes, but I can't spend it all on clothes. I had to start over from nothing 3 or 4 years ago, and she still has clothes from 30-50 years ago.

Something else that pisses me off about what she said is that, I have a fucking closet right, but I can't even put my fucking clothes in it, they have to hand on the shutter doors OUTSIDE of it.. because HER shit that she has hoarded away all over her life, and this years Christmas presents to the kids are crammed to the fucking ceiling.

So if she's so fucking worried about storing what little tad of clothes I have, and have nearly no room for, she should clean out the closet for me.

But the main fucking thing that pisses me off, and the only reason I'm writing is, is how she said to throw out hundreds of dollars worth of my supplies that I have collected up since I was a child, supplies that I STILL use... and she KNOWS that I still use..

She KNOWS that I love to draw, and paint, and make things.

And, she hates it.

She absolutely cannot stand ANYTHING that I like to do, simply because I like it.

She literally said to throw it out, knowing how important it is to me.

Throw out perfectly good supplies, because she doesn't want me to have it, because she doesn't want me to do what I love, because she hates that I love it.

She meant to call it shit. She really did mean to call it shit, because that's what it is to her.
That's what my hobby is to her.


I read once in an article that, if your partner or anyone in your life loves and respects you, they will never refer to your things as "Shit" EVEN if they don't like them.

But what can I say, she even refers to Papa's medical supplies as junk.


And yet, she is a real hoarder who won't even throw away an unopened can of coke in her room that she brought home in her hospital tray the last time she was in the hospital.


I'm honestly so angry that I'm replaying it over in my head, wishing I could have called her out.
I wish I had said to her WHY WOULD I THROW OUT PERFECTLY GOOD ART SUPPLIES THAT I USE. I wish I could stand up to her, and really make her realize just how much she has destroyed me all of these years.

And it's always been this way. She always hated that I loved to sing. She hated that I used to write poetry, UNTIL she had someone to "brag" about how I won trophies for writing competitions in school. She has always hated that I loved to draw.

My brothers talents however? She did nothing but encourage them. E loved magic, so she showered him with magic kits. R loved to draw for awhile there too, and he was actually much better at it than I am, so he was showered with supplies galore, that eventually got passed to me which she threw a fit over.
E was in band temporarily.. and even performed in a concert. She made me go with them to watch, even though she NEVER made EITHER of my brothers go to MY numerous chorus concerts. EVER.


So here I am today, and I couldn't be any closer to everything she hates, and she never misses an opportunity to remind me of that.

Sincerely,
WhoEvenCares





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