LustingforNightmares

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2017-09-06 11:33:32 (UTC)

"Empty" by Kevin ..


"Empty" by Kevin Abstract

Blowing off my mom I don't wanna go home
I'd rather be alone, I don't wanna go home
It's getting really late so I gotta go home
Mom's blowing up my phone so I gotta go home

I love my mom
I hate my boyfriend
Say I love my mom
I love my mom
I hate my boyfriend
But I love my mom

September 6, 2017 Wednesday 11:33 AM

I am sad.

Yesterday was convocation—walked through the Van Wickle gates, sat down with 1600 other freshmen, stood up, clapped, sat down, clapped, stood up again, clapped, walked away, got a free t-shirt, ate, returned to my dorm room. It's all like that, orientation, stand up sit down stand up sit down.

After convocation, I ate with my friend, who I guess I'll call Nick. He's an international student from a southern state in India. He's told me about his home. I am both intrigued and flabbergasted. It sounds a lot like a nationwide soap opera. Plus, it's a shitty place for women. Anyway, I ate with Nick. He's really the only one I felt like being around yesterday anyway out of my friends. There is something comforting about his presence. I told him how I am always tired, and he said he always is too. He takes Vitamin D and says it helps. I will probably not do that, though.

Nick had to go hang out with his family after convocation, though, so I just went back to my dorm room. I don't remember what I did when I came back. I think I was pre-registering for classes.

I am in Intro Calc I, Intro Chem, Intro Bio (I might have to pick a harder class—I'm pretty sure I took intro last year at New Visions), and Intro Neuro. Tried to sign up for Intro Lit, but it looks full. I'll shop the class anyway to see if they'll let me in. If they do, I will probably drop biology.

Today, all I had was calc, and it was fine. Mostly review of the syllabus, though. I should look over that... Later today, I have a meeting with a therapist. Caroline has been pressing me, even from a distance, to go see a psychologist and get to know them just in case I need support. Which, yes, I get. I mean, I know how sensitive I am to change. Even now, I'm so exhausted from the constant socializing. Walk out of the dorm, hello! Walk into my room, hello! On my way to breakfast, hi there, my name is whatever, I am concentrating in this and that, what is your name where are you from how are you what do you like what residence hall are you in

It makes me cynical. I sit in lectures and think, "God, what is the point?" Because usually they are boring stuff on teaching consent and shit. Which, I want to say I understand the importance of. I think I do. But sometimes I think they go too far. Are we so fragile that we can't live with a person's hand on our arm without first being asked????? There is a blurry line somewhere in there, and sometimes I think it is being ignored in favor of the safe option, which is to protect everyone all the time whether or not it is justified to avoid being called insensitive or some shit.

You can't live life without pain. I think it's a noble endeavor to try and minimize the suffering people have to go to, but like, how much is too much? At what point should you focus more on bigger, more universal issues? I guess you could argue that universal issues are never gonna go away, not really—one is replaced by another. So when is the time to address the smaller issues? And I don't know that I have a proper counter for that.

Something just feels wrong.

Well, whatever. Aside from that, I like living at Brown so far. I don't love socializing—it's really tiring me out. Annnd now I have a headache. I hope I'm in a better mood by the end of the week. I think the fact that classes are actually starting now is sort of uplifting. I just wanna get staaaarttttedddd.

OKKKK.



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