Lucifer

Words Spelled From Heart
2017-09-01 05:18:05 (UTC)

Ravaged

Dear Raffae,
How? How are they managing to live like that?
Tomorrow I’ve my major test in FIITJEE. Tomorrow is the test of 3 hours and on Sunday, the exam will of 6 hours. I know I should be studying for that, but I don’t wanna. Like I’m not able to muster up the desire to open my notes and go through them.
And since yesterday, I feel like I’m drowning. In guilt. It’s tormenting me so much. Even though, I guess I’m doing okay in all my class tests, I’m still feeling guilty.
I stayed back. It’s all because of my own failures I stayed back. It’s all my fault. I did this. I did this to myself. No one else but me.
But you know, when I see other people living their life oh-so-happily, I wonder how do they do it? For example, I see one of my old friend, Nikita. She’s not very bright in studies but she’s living her life to the fullest. She got herself a boyfriend who has the same level of intellect as her (Well, let’s face it. I’m not so crazy about boys who don’t have an appreciable intellect. No offence intended. It’s just something I don’t find attractive, I guess.) and she has also dropped one year. But I don’t think she’s giving her studies one hour worth attention because all I see is her posting pictures of herself on the internet. Heavily edited that is. Seems like she digs the whole people-commenting-on-her-photos-thing. And every time I see this, I wonder, how is she doing all of this? Doesn’t she feel one little drip of guilt? Am I the only one who’s drowning in so much of guilt? Am I the only one who’s so conscious about what I did to myself? How do they feel good about themselves? I want to know. Because I’d like to feel good myself about me too. But every time I try, I wind back to me and my failures. Heck, it’s all I dream of nowadays too. In my dreams, I see flash backs of old awful conversations and flashbacks of that awful day in May and I remember it. I get reminded of it so vividly. I remember all my failures once again so vividly. Like a kaleidoscope of awful memories.
My thoughts.
My own thoughts are drowning me so much. They are ravaging me.
And not just Nikita, look at Suchismita. I wonder if she even has a conscience or not. I don’t know why I always feel so self-conscious. And I’m wondering how is she even living with herself.
Because I remember it all too well? I can’t let myself forget all of it. Any of it.
It’s my punishment. Every day I’ve to live this way. Die a little every day. Let my thoughts kill me a little every day. Every day wake up feeling a bit more heavier than the previous day. This all has become so chronic. So…masochistic. So sick.
I wonder if it will ever go away. It’s like I’ve forgotten to feel anything good about myself. I don’t know if I ever feel anything good about me nowadays. I guess I’m depressed again.
Gee. Good job. *Sigh*
Okay. See ya later.




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