✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-08-29 02:08:36 (UTC)

Suffocating

Dear Reader,

So, today grandma and I babysat Adalyn.

Grandma can't do a lot because of her hip, and back, and arm.
She fed her, and changed her diaper, so I spread out a pallet on the floor for her, and kept her occupied by playing with her,
And carrying her wherever we needed to take her. And she is a baby. She's old enough to hold up her head, but she can't sit up by herself yet, or crawl. She can turn over, and so whenever she started to turn over, I would hold my hand out and gently catch her head so she wouldn't bump it.
I also had to walk her around to put her to sleep. She took three naps today.
The first one was an hour, the second one was 45 minutes, and the third one was an hour and a half.

It all started this morning when she was starting to get sleepy for the first time. She will fight sleep hard, and she gets all mad and even pitch a fit if she's tired and needs a nap, but won't give in.
So, walking helps. She stops crying, and it puts her to sleep.

But of course, grandma had a problem with me walking her to put her to sleep. Why? I don't know.
It's easier than for her to get upset, and cry on the floor. She kept saying "WE aren't going to start that walking her around for her to sleep."
And all I could think in my head was "There's no WE. Nobody expects YOU to walk her. You CAN'T walk her. "
So, I just ignored her, walked her around for maybe 5 minutes, and she was asleep in no time.

I gently laid her down on the pallet, and turned the TV volume down.

Grandma peaks into the living room from the kitchen, and notices that she's asleep.

Then after she's done getting grandpa settled with his breakfast, she comes into the living room talking to papa through the door way, louder than normal volume because Papa's practically deaf, and there's a distance between them. And THEN she turns up the TV!
I look over at the baby terrified she was going to wake her..

Of course it had to be a stupid western movie in the middle of an intense horse chase with loud music..
So for the baby's sake, I tell grandma it's too loud.

She then says hatefully, "Well, I'd like to hear what's going on in the show."
And so I snap back saying, "Well I'm sure she'd like to not be disturbed."

Cue grandma telling me that she's raised four babies, and 8 other grandkids, and she knows all about babies, and I know nothing.

I really wanted to ask her how would she feel if someone came into her room while she slept, talking super loud, and turning up the TV really loud? She already complains that Papa keeps her awake at night with the TV volume...

She reluctantly turns the TV down, but then the stupid dog starts whining and scratching on the door of the bedroom we put him in.

So, I get him, and put him in another room.
Luckily, she didn't get woke up, she woke up on her own.
So then, after her first nap, I sit with her again on the pallet, and we play for awhile.

And then, I have to pee. I have to pee REALLY bad.
So, I ask grandma if she'll hold her a minute while I run to the bathroom really fast.

She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't need to be held, and she'll be alright on the pallet alone.

She can roll very well. I also have to catch her head before she rolls completely over like I said before.
So, I tell her that of course I wasn't going to leave her on the pallet alone, because she'd roll off of it, or hit her head.

I couldn't even finish what I was saying before she cuts me off, yelling at me to just go to the bathroom.

So, I just shake my head and tell her no, I wasn't going to leave her on it alone.
If she were to roll off, or roll over before she hit her head, grandma wouldn't have been able to get up in time before she did it.

She yells at me again to go, and I shake my head again.

So she just hits the arm of her chair, says "Oh, SHIT." And stomps over to the pallet, grabs Adalyn up, (In the process, she actually rolled over to look up at grandma and hit her head on a toy that was behind her.) And she goes "SEE THERE, SHE HIT HER HEAD EVEN WITH YOU THERE. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD BABYSITTER." She says it in the most hateful, condescending way.

So, I get up, storm to the bathroom, and I sit there in too much shock to even pee.

Yeah, sure, I'm a terrible babysitter because I wouldn't leave her alone to roll over and hurt herself.

So, when I'm done, I just don't even look her in the eyes, and I walk by both of them, and fix myself something in the kitchen.


I didn't offer to help, I was actually thinking of just letting her do it all by herself for the rest of the day since she obviously didn't appreciate me helping her.

So, she had to hand her to Papa to hold while she did a bunch of stuff. I didn't say a word.

So, she actually struggled to get up with her because of her bones and shit, she struggled carrying her around, and keeping her occupied.

And she even fucking just leaves her on the pallet by herself, and I was on the couch at that point.

I heard her go, WOAH WOAH WOAH, and she started to get up, but was too slow obviously, and I look over, and sure enough, Adalyn is min-turning over, and bumps her head.

Luckily, she didn't get hurt, and she didn't cry, but she could have.
I really wanted to fucking say something to grandma about it. But I didn't.

If she was going to be that stupid, and leave her there by herself, I had to help. Not for grandma, but for the baby so she wouldn't get hurt.

So, I got up, and sat with her again, and caught her head when she turned over, and played with her more.

Grandma didn't say anything else, or leave her on the pallet again.

I walked her again for her second nap, and she went to sleep.
It was short because the fucking dog woke her up by barking.

And then, the third nap.

I walked her for probably 30 minutes trying to get her to fall asleep, and deep enough so she wouldn't be disturbed when I laid her down on the pallet.

So, she was just about to sleep, and grandma came from the utility room doing laundry, and said as she passed by: "Lay her on the pallet." (Because she didn't want me to walk her.) So, of course, that wakes her up, and I have to stand there all over again trying to get her to sleep again.

Papa says something, and it wakes her up again. And she goes back to sleep, and he woke her up again by saying something else.
I swear I was about to lose my shit...

And I FINALLY got her to sleep, Papa watched as I crept over to the pallet and eased down, and laid her down.. and as soon as I set her down, he says loud in a mocking tone, ON PURPOSE: (He's right in front of her too.) "IS SHE ASLEEP."

And I scrunched up my face, pointed two fingers at him and spat quietly through clenched teeth: "SHUT UP" with all the rage I could muster, stabbing the air with my hand with each syllable.

And he laughed nervously, and said "Oh, sorry."

Luckily she didn't wake up that time, but fuck I would have been PISSED.

By the time I sat down, my left arm was sore from holding her up so long.

And both arms are still very sore.

I was so frustrated with all of this today that I just wanted to scream. And the worst part is, we're going to have to keep her a lot in the next few weeks because her sitter is expecting her own baby soon.
I don't mind watching her, and helping her mom (my cousin). And with Rhonda, it's great. It's actually fun..
But grandma, and I have NEVER worked well together.

It honestly felt like she was intentionally trying to sabotage me today.

So Adalyn's mom came and got her, and I had to pretend everything went well, and yeah, the baby was great. She did so well..

I'm honestly debating whether or not I should tell Rhonda about this.
I really want to... but I don't know if I should. I don't want Amanda to know, and I'm afraid she might tell her.


On top of all that, something has to be wrong with me, and I don't know what it is.

I can't breathe very well, and it's been going on for a while.
It feels like regular breathing isn't deep enough.. it's like I'm not getting enough air, so I'm constantly yawning back to back to the point where I'm actually gagging. I couldn't sleep last night because of it...

My throat is so sore from the yawning.

I don't know if it's something in the house, lack of sleep... or a more serious lung problem.

I told Grandma about it, and all she said was "That's not good." In a "It's your fault." dismissive kinda tone.

I just hope I don't quite literally suffocate to death.
I hope it just gets better...

Sincerely,
MyFuckingUsernameIsSometimesDon'tForgetToBreatheIFuckingSwearToGod





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