Trying To Live
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Messages to my dad.(forgive me)
I'm sorry. This memory haunts me. I remember it as though it was yesterday, i was sat on the sofa and saw everything. At first i tried not to pay attention, you and mum fight all the time. But i couldn't take it anymore, it was breaking my heart to see Mum cowering in the corner whilst you were towering over her, screaming in her face. My mum is a strong woman. I have never feared for her safety the way i did in this moment. I was no longer afraid of you dad, i was afraid for my mum. I had to stop you. I'm sorry. If id had known what the situation would progress to i would have done things differently. I was angry and afraid i didn't understand what i was saying. Please don't hate me for saying this but i'm slightly proud of myself, not for what i said to you but for having the courage to get Mum and Cookie (younger brother) out of the house and away from you. i thought it would give you time to defuse, i never considered that they could be the last moments i had with you.
You must understand what you were being accused of and how bad things looked on your behalf? Your explosive behaviour only led us to believe the allegations. I guess now knowing you admitted to being a predator i don't feel as bad for what i said to you, your a monster. But your still my dad, when i first saw the police helicopters i was with my mates. We all joked about someone robbing a bank, i never thought they were looking for you. Mums never late to pick me up. I knew something was majorly wrong when i realised she was suppose to collect me an hour prior but hadn't even contacted me. As soon as i heard her on the phone something inside me broke, i could hear the tears in her voice, i turned away from my friends as the tears silently rolled down my cheeks. She told me Nan and Granddad were picking me up and that they would explain everything in the car.
I got in the car and Cookie was there too, they were all so calm. Nan pointed out the helicopters that were still circling the sky, "you see them Miya? They're out looking for daddy." My heart sank. "Hes taken too many tablets and they just need to find him so they can help him." how was she so calm? how were they all just staring out the windows not saying anything? I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. NO! THIS ISN'T REAL! I CANT LOSE MY DAD. But little did i know i had already lost you... we pulled up and the police were everywhere, my house was full of strangers and the only family there were sitting around like robots. i could feel the walls closing in around me. i sprint up both flights of stairs to my room in the loft, fling open the window and stare across the darkness, two or three beams of light shine boldly from the sky. Where are you dad? there's a police man down stairs on his radio and i heard him telling another policeman that they've located you, i heard him say that you were under water and they couldn't reach you. Everything went numb, i felt as though time had frozen. i fell to the floor onto my knees and stayed there a while, not doing anything, i swear i could feel a part of myself fade into nothing, i swear a part of me died. Then all of a sudden i erupted. I filled my lungs with air before i broke down completely, i couldn't breath, i was choking on my tears, drowning in my screams. The pain dad, oh my the pain... I thought i'd lost you.
They had to throw a dog in to drag you out of the water, it was too cold and for an officer to try and retrieve you would be to risk their life.
When they stabilised you i didn't know how you would react to seeing me. A small part of me had hope that you'd be glad to see me, i couldn't have been more wrong. Mum, Cookie and Myself enter your hospital room, i sat at the end of your bed in silence. i couldn't even bring myself to look at you. Then mum ask the question that was playing on all our minds..."why did you do it?". I look up and your already looking at me. Nothing could prepare me for the words you spoke. "It's because of what Miya said to me".
Dad i wish you knew that i never forgave myself. This was a couple months before my 14th birthday, i'm now 16 and still hate myself. I try to think of what would have happened if i hadn't stepped in and although you could have hurt one of us i'm sure the outcome wouldn't have been as bad as losing you. For days I laid in bed, For days i couldn't eat. over the years my hate for myself turned into hate for the world, for life. You don't know this dad but my depression caused me to do reckless things, i started hanging out with an older crowd who would buy alcohol for me and breaking laws, I was in self destruct mode and got stuck in that mode for the worst part of 2 years. It wasn't long before I got so drunk i ended up losing my virginity to a boy i barely knew, he was just a guy i got drunk with a couple times. And it wasn't long after that that i was raped. i was only 15 dad. i haven't told anyone about this before, for so long I've kept this secret locked up because in away maybe this was my karma for pushing you over the edge. Anyway if anybody is to blame it would be me, if i hadn't gotten myself so drunk that i could no longer talk nor fight back then it wouldn't have happened. only a couple months later i dropped out of school. I ruined my life because i was guilty for almost ending yours. i hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
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