Trying To Live
Messages to my dad.
My past is a scrambled mess, memories of you haunt my childhood. After years and years trying to forget you i guess i finally have. I try to picture you in my mind and all i can see is a shadow of the man i thought you were. I know I shouldn't but I miss you dad. I feel guilty for loving you after everything you done to ruin our family, I should hate you. But were we ever actually a family? A family is suppose to be filled with love, if you loved us why did you do such unspeakable crimes? Dad I'm only 16 years old, 13 when i found out the family's worst best kept secret. I've learnt to see the worst in the world and to trust no one. My world fell apart that Christmas day, do you remember that day dad? It was the last day that i saw you. You sat on the floor in Winters (older sister) room, pale as a ghost. Mum cradled Winter in her arms, I saw the tears streaming out of their eyes and the deathly glow on your face. That moment changed my life forever, i felt everything being swept out from under my feet. I knew exactly what was going to happen before you even opened your moth, my whole life had been an illusion, until now when you finally admit to what i think we all secretly knew was true all along. Dad you died that night. The person i thought you were died in the words you spoke to me. You confirmed all our darkest worries...
You told me that you would never let anyone hurt me. So why did you destroy me? Your a monster wearing the face of my dad. Maybe your the devil himself, I keep trying to find an explanation as to why you turned out to be the vicious beast you are. I don't believe it to be possible to be able to terrorise a child the way you did and be able to look at your self in the mirror everyday as though you've done nothing wrong. Its almost January dad, time is almost up.
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