taking heed

slightly exaggerated
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2017-08-26 00:08:01 (UTC)

Losing track of the body count.

In the space of 3 weeks I've lost, or will be losing, my wife/best friend, home, my second family, my dog (for at least the time being), it looks like my best friend who isn't my wife and Riot Fest.

Some of these losses I have a say in, but I don't want to take these L's. I don't fucking want to leave my beautiful and talented dog behind, but I'm overwhelmed as it is. I'm going to be so out of my depth trying to restart on my own without a dog, to saddle her along, with her anxiety and behavioral issues, it wouldn't be fair for the both of us. I hope one day, after I settle in, and if I still have enough gas in the tank, maybe then..

And Riot Fest, the one stop shop for all my favourite bands, once a beaming star, almost too bright to look directly at, is now a hood ornament on the disaster my life has become. Every time I think about sucking it up and going, spending 5 days abroad with the woman who fell out of love with me like it was nothing (it feels like it was nothing)..... no, it's not feasible and not fair to put myself through. I'm not at place where I can park all my still swirling emotions for you for 5 days, and just Have A Good Time. I'm sorry the tickets are non-refundable and you can't find anyone else to go with - it's a fucking shame (not sarcasm) - it just can't be me.

The radio is playing our tune.
I love it, could you turn it off?

The thought of you is tearing me in two.


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