✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-08-23 02:27:19 (UTC)

The Wrong Side

Dear Reader,

Shit hit the fan today at my house.

And even though I'm standing on their side when the house divides four against one,
I'm not self-righteous. I'm only on this side because they don't know.
I shouldn't act as though I belong, and it kills me when I do.
I'm not the perfect one...

It's my fault everything is the way it is.

I can't talk about it.. I can't.

Every time something like this happens, I can't help but blame myself.

I'm terrified of it coming out.. I'm foolish to think it never will. Secrets can't be kept forever...

That's why I don't want to get close to anyone.. why I pushed people away, and shut myself in.
I'm scared of creating something with other people, and then if it ever comes out..

How could something like it just be overlooked, or accepted.

I think of how people look at me now, even though they know only a small sliver of what I let them see, and I can only imagine how they would look at me if they found out.

It's unforgivable. Unacceptable.


I ran away during the fight in my house today.
I hid outside on the back porch..
I didn't want to be there if it came out.

All I could do was to wait for someone to find me, and confirm that they knew.

But no one came.. and no one knows still.

But I'm still not safe...I'll never be safe. It's not going to last forever.. and I just hope the day it ends, I'm long gone.

All I want.. is to fix what I destroyed. All I want is to apologize..
All I want.. is to be forgiven.

But I can't.. I can't fix it. I can't apologize. I can't undo it. I can't change it.
And I'll never be forgiven. I can't be.
I can't even forgive myself.

I hate myself for it.. I would trade my life to take it all back.

The guilt and the shame eat away at me everyday.

It's why I don't think of a future, I don't try to build a life, because I don't want a future.. I don't want a life.
I don't deserve to be happy.

All I can do.. is live with it. And that's so hard to do.. that's why this diary is called Living With Myself.
It's the root to my depression, my anxieties, my eating disorder...
I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and be someone else, forgetting this life..
I wish I could make myself forget everything.

Every one I love, think they know me.. love me for who I am...
But they have no idea what I did.. and that's why it's so hard to accept their love.
They think I'm a good person, and even though I try to be..
All of my efforts are tainted... all of my efforts are futile.

No matter what I'll do, I'll never be a good person.
There's no healing, there's no forgiveness, there's no redemption.

And it isn't even about me or how I feel.. I'm not the victim.


I don't deserve to be here standing on their side.

Sincerely,
Guilty




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