What I Know, Feel, Think, Dream, and Realize
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2017-08-18 03:21:51 (UTC)


Hey it's me. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about this Diary thing I've been doing. I've just been lousy at keeping up with it. Things have been alright. I got my wisdom teeth pulled out so I've been on heavy medicine for the past two days, though I'm noticing less pain so I think I'll stop taking them for now. Anyway there's been something that I've wanted to type about, but I couldn't ever bring myself around to it. I guess the only reason why I am now is because I need her more now than I ever did. It'll make sense after I explain it. Okay well it all started on December 2-3 years ago. I don't really remember the details very much, but I remember I met this girl. She was shy and was a very talented artist. I got to know her very well and met her sisters and brothers which were a pain in the ass to take care of or at least that's what she'd tell me. She had this dream to leave it all and be on her own to follow her own dreams. Not those decided by her father. Though she had very low self esteem. She'd put all the blame of everything on her and she carried the blame to everything and I always tried my hardest to reassure her that she didn't need to carry that blame and weight on her shoulders. Ultimately we fell in love and we made each other happy and safe. And that was where I messed up. I should've known someone like me didn't diverse somebody like her. She was talented in everything and even took Taekwondo and was an expert at it. And though she had many future possibilities she could do with her life, she chose to be with me, even when these opportunities could make her life better. But what did I do with this kindness? I used it that's what. I was rude and hurtful to her when all she ever did was try to make me happy and better. I treated her horribly and yet she still insisted I stayed with her. She could've changed my life, in fact, she did. The moments I spent with her are the only moments I can remember clearly. I remember every text. Every word she said to me. Every joke she'd tell me and every thing that made her cry. But I ruined this relationship and her too. I just couldn't take it anymore. wasn't mad at her or tired of what we had. I was frustrated. Frustrated that someone like her is in love with a pathetic loser like me. She deserved better. So I broke up with her and cut my ties with her. I just couldn't keep going. I felt horrible for having her love. Someone as talented, smart, and kind like her become important people in the world. They become Role models. Me? I ain't ever going to be anything important. So it was only fitting that she's better off moving in and love someone who's actually important. But now I realize that I made a horrible mistake. I should have realized what I had. It didn't matter who I was or who she was all that should have mattered was that we loved each other. I tried desperately to find her, but I can't. It hurts, but I like to think she's doing very well and is continuing drawing and slowly becoming a professional artist. And for eat she meant and her role in my life I'll become something and not be who I am now in life so when I do see her, I'll tell her how she impacted my life and what I accomplished because of her. If this is like that crazy way we met and you're reading this Creedance, thank you for everything and I am really sorry for not realizing what I really had. I hope everything goes well for you as for others who are reading this. Goodnight everybody.

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