All that is
The transformative power of sex
"Lorde sees the power of the erotic as residing squarely within the capacity to feel, "acutely and fully." She bemoans the reduction of the erotic to the sexual, and the divorcing of the spiritual from the erotic. She calls for exactly what I long for: full integration of all our longings and needs, in all their dimensions. I can't imagine anyone who finds a way to inhabit that level of internal knowing and intensity who would be drawn to mindless pursuit of sexual satisfaction. "The fear of our desires keeps them suspect and indiscriminately powerful," says Lorde, "for to suppress any truth is to give it strength beyond endurance." This is how I understand the paradoxical phenomenon of sex being at once suppressed and obsessed about."
I want to feel like I am understood by the person I'm with. With cm, what I appreciated is that even though he didn't completely understand me, he accepted me.
For all my lamentations about how great a spiritual connection lee has opened up for me (and let me be clear, not necessarily a spiritual connection with him, but rather he's brought to light that an experience like this is possible and that I'm able to access that space), he still see's me as just someone to fuck. and try as i may, i don't think this will change, since he's clearly still in love with his girlfriend. I asked him whether he thought he and his girlfriend would get back together, and he said 'probably'. Which means he wants it to happen. I asked who broke up with who and he said 'she checked out first'. And if when the girl checks out, i think there's less chance of things getting back to the way it was.i think that women are more resolute and deliberate in their decision to sabotage their relationships whether or not it's an 'accident'. Whereas men are more reckless. their actions may not necessarily reflect what's going on in their hearts, how they feel.
He also said he'd feel as if he were betraying her if he connected emotionally with another person (he didn't use those exact words but that was the essence of his comment)
Upon hearing this, beyond the immediate disappointment of lee confirming that there was no possibility for 'something more', I couldn't help feeling a sense of despair about the prospect of ever meeting someone who would be able to give me that same spiritual dimension in sex whilst also connecting with me on all the levels I'd like.
When somebody shows you who they are the first time, believe them.
For me the height of sexual intimacy/erotic is grounded in the spiritual. The sharing of erotic energy is grounded in the spiritual.
Vulnerability holds the key to heightened sexual intimacy. this probably explains why i feel like lee's idea of sexual freedom is not quite as free as he thinks.
Lee doesn't have a very high tolerance for vulnerability