LustingforNightmares

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Ezoic
2017-08-15 00:51:57 (UTC)

Shitting


"End of the World" by Skeeter Davis

August 15, 2017 Tuesday 1:52 AM

I'm not sure how to write anymore. I have this urge, to just wrap things up, to write something that feels like an ending? But I can't write two paragraphs without x-ing out the window, returning later only to delete whatever I'd written. That's happened... twice? Three times? Since I've written in this last.

Lily left for Colorado yesterday morning. I either leave for college on Saturday the 19th or Sunday the 27th. Laney leaves the 20th. Liv, I just haven't seen in an eternity. Alexis is staying behind. Adrian is staying behind. I wish I was staying behind.

I haven't made an effort to really see anyone. I saw Lily and Laney recently. I've spoken to Adrian almost every day and I've seen him more than... probably more than anyone else this summer. I wanted to get drunk with him, get drunk like I wished I would this summer, but—I dunno, it felt wrong. We made plans to, but this morning he texted me after having drank vodka to "practice" for being drunk because he hadn't been drunk in a long time.

That's fucking stupid.

I was half-awake but I was still annoyed at those texts.

Anyway, at that moment I hated the acetone taste of vodka, hated the whole fucking thing. I decided against getting drunk.

I've spent the past week flattened by hydrocodone, which I was prescribed after I got my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. It's nice to fall asleep to, nice in the slanting vision, nice in the soft euphoria as you drift off. But in the day, I'm still asleep. I've got no feelings, no inspiration, and that depresses me, makes me angry. So, okay, I do have feelings, but not good ones.

I spent the day with Adrian. He dropped by my house at around four and we drove around, eventually dropping by a coffee place in "hipster town" as Adrian called it (the gentrified downtown area with like a million coffeeshops). I got a coffee, hoping to drown out some of my shittiness, tryna ignore the weird pain in my jaw. I wanted to watch Rick and Morty so he brought me all the way home, saying he didn't really feel like watching it, only to change his mind the last second. Which displeased me. I didn't feel like talking. But I didn't mind him sticking around if he was gonna be quiet. Shoulda known better.

Momma was in the house, watching the news. I guess I didn't realize it was already half past five, nearing the six o' clock thing she likes to watch. I mean, I only just realized that now. At the time, I just thought she was watching news really early! I woke up at 1 PM, which is why my time is all fucked, haha.

Anyway, Adrian suggested we go to his house 'cause no one was home. Wroooong. We got there and, like, his whole family was there. But it was fine. I said hello to his seven-year-old sister, who scares me, talked a bit with his mom, who I love... Upstairs, Adrian somehow manipulated me into playing a two-player video game with him. I mean, it was fun, but he had said we were gonna watch something? Sneaky bastard.

We were shit-talking, as is normal, me calling him a bitch and vice versa as we shot some shitters DEAD! Um. The game was bubble-gummy okay. It was something about the power of LOVE! Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime? Anyway, it was cute, and I did not miss Adrian saying, "That's my bitch!" when I 'sploded some enemy spaceships. He hesitated a bit towards the end too... Like, "That's my b...itch..." Like he realized his mistake but it was too late. Whatever, I didn't say anything. I let it slide. What was I supposed to do? Why was I supposed to do? How?... Wait, what.

His seven-year-old sister appeared again, was being annoying and cute at the same time. I was a little irritated, 'cause I didn't sign up for that situation at all. Didn't sign up to be in a house of cuddly energy puppies (who actually have a real energy puppy named Sparky), didn't sign up to be cuddled on either side by the two of them. But at the same time, I wouldn't take it back. I was just in pain and annoyed the whole day, okay.

Adrian's mom cooked good food. Some peanut noodle dish and ribs. I only ate the noodles. I was tempted by the ribs, but I wouldn't dare with my limited jaw, joint snapping by the ears. Nope, I preferred to cut the noodles into small bites and stealthily sneak them onto my tongue. I was the last one eating, which was sort of embarrassing. I am always the last to be eating, in any situation. Partly because I eat a lot and also because I eat slowly, but I was especially slow this time.

After dinner, which was agonizing only because I hate myself so m u ch today, Adrian manipulated me again. Suddenly, instead of bringing me home, he was thrusting options in my face: this video game? this show? rick and morty? blah blah blah? Then, bam, all of a sudden Jackass is on the TV and we watched an hour of it before I was like, "Take me home, dude." Jackass is funny. Sparky chewing on my body parts is less funny, but she is still sort of cute (I guess...) with her devil eyes and dobby ears, tiny lean body. She's the kind of dog I often find ugly and useless. But she is a dog. That cannot be denied.

Adrian took me home. We spoke conceptually on the way. I say conceptually only because, when he finally pulled to a stop after of course taking the convoluted route back to my house (he has no sense of direction, his words), he goes, "But this is so vague and I hate that." I don't know what he wants. I frowned at him from where I stood outside the passenger door. Then I shut the door, my annoyance up by a notch for some hard-to-place reason.

Too vague. I was talking about disappointment, how it's sort of inevitable. There's this song I've really liked lately, called "Is that all there is?" and I love it just 'cause it reminds me of how I was when I was a kid. There's even this one part that perfectly captures my experience with the circus—I used to love going to the circus, the greatest show on earth, but one day I watched the whole thing and realized... that was it. That was the circus. And that was the end of my interest in the circus. I will always remember that disappointment. Was it important? I don't know, but it sticks for some reason.

Adrian goes intellectual when I tell him this. He goes, "such-and-such author thinks sadness is the natural state and happiness is fleeting." I hate him in that moment. I hate his stupid, fake, big brain. It's wrong. The whole head of his, it's just wrong and fucked up and I hate it and I love it because he's my friend, one of my best friends. Fuck, I hate him, though! I hate all his words.

It made me want to tear my hair out, the whole day, all my irritation with this poor kid.

The annoyance faded into it's normal background level (normal for today, at least). It spiked again when he dropped me off, when he said that dumb thing about our conversation being "too vague." He kept trying to argue that disappointment thing. I guess I get it. Sometimes we talk about these things on opposing sides only to find out we've been on the same side the whole time, but had just been misunderstanding each other. Still. It wouldn't be so hard to have these dumbass conversations if we were both just... more neutral.

I'm opinionated and stupidly contrary. Adrian is the same. So we're always skeptics of the other's word.

When Alexis and I talk about this stuff, it's fine. It flows easily, there is no disagreement or at least none that feels significant. All that is irrelevant. All that matters is sharing.

But I just want to crush Adrian's heart sometimes.

I just want to take over the whole world sometimes.

Throw my dumb ear meat at their FACES. They can take it, call it genius, and then I can die happy. Except that I guess everyone wants that and I'm just that dumb girl who ends up crash-piling onto the peak of the bell curve. I'm up in the same standard deviation as most everyone else, stuck looking down at the scattered percentage on the other side, the ones who made it.

Aaaand, suddenly, I see without seeing the whole of my life smeared out before me. Blank. Intensely blank? God, I don't want to fill up that time. I'm gonna fill it with shit, I know I am. Jesus.

But, y'know. There I go. Shitting despite it all.


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