Sif

This life
2017-08-13 06:39:23 (UTC)

Kinda sad

I'm also an LNA as well as a Certified Dialysis Tech. As an LNA when I did it full time, a mutual friend connected with me with a very sweet lovely lady who was 85. She's now 92 and her kids have fucked up her finances so badly that she has to get state assistance and they can no longer afford to pay me to come see her once a week. I cried. I know I can still go visit her once in a while, but I used to do her laundry, change her sheets, sweep and scrub her floors, vacuum, dishes, trash, and we'd even do her fingernails different colors. I always brought her a iced coffee and a chocolate muffin and we would have a nice visit while I cleaned. I also took her out Christmas Eve to go see the Christmas lights, I've taken her to lunch at the café at the high school, we've gone for ice cream, we've done so much. Then her daughter texts me and says they don't need me anymore. Seven years and to get told over a text. Kinda sux. There was so much we did that I never charged for. I used to bring her laundry home to my house and do it so she didn't have to pay the quarters at the laundromat in her apartment building. She never paid for all those ice coffees or muffins. I always bought new laundry baskets cuz they would get wear and tear going from house to house, and I always bought the Swiffer cleaner and pads for the mop. I guess that after seven years, the lines got blurred for me and I forgot she was a client and thought of her as family. It just shocked me when I got fired.


So mom is moving next weekend. It's also her 70th birthday. I bought her a dvd set of a show she likes. Even though she doesn't talk to me. I figure I'll get her a card and a cake and have Cameron take it over to her. I don't think she wants to see me. That's ok. I'm getting used to the idea of her being gone. Back when I was 18 -24 yrs old, whenever people asked about my mother I would just say she was dead. I guess we'll go back to that. She's abandoned me before. I guess I'll hear from her again when she's dying. Maybe I'll go to her. Maybe not. Depends. She's moving to Tennessee and we plan on retiring there. So if its not too far away maybe. I doubt it.


I'm really putting up some solid walls and not really gonna leave any holes. It's hard to decide who gets to be on this side of the wall with me and who gets put out. My sons, They haven't said it out right, but they bla
me me for Gmo leaving and it's all my fault because of the decision I made to bring my dad up here. I ruined everything. Blake moved out, Cam has become very reclusive and wants to move out sooner. All I wanted was to take care of everybody.


If I get old and they start talking shit about where to put me, I'm taking a lot of pills and ending it myself.
I really need to do a grateful list. I'm starting to think of not waiting for suicide until I'm old. Everything has gone to shit lately. I'm not thinking of anything in my life that is going good.


There has been a bear that has destroyed my bird feeder twice in one week. Just got it fixed since Kurt feels better (has had pneumonia) and can bring all the seed and suet in at night when I am not home.

So is that a good thing or another shitty thing that has been happening? Shitty for Kurt cuz he was VERY sick.

so,
birdfeeder
Priscilla
Mom
Blake
Cameron
Work
My house is so overcrowded with junk
My body is ugly and saggy since I lost 112 pounds
I'm overwhelmed with sadness
I don't know how to make everything go back to being right.

GRATEFUL LIST
My husband loves me.
My car runs
The dogs like me


Yep, there is definitely a lopsidedness to those lists.

Good night.


Profile