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2017-08-10 05:02:15 (UTC)

Eating Disorder and Manic Depression

I had just started a new job a three weeks ago and yesterday got let go, now I am back to being unemployed. I was diagnosed with manic depressive disorder several years ago and I have avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder as of about three months ago. I used to be bulimic and anorexic in my early twenties and had to go to treatment centers and be put on a high calorie, high protein diet and be weighed daily. I still worry about my weight and I read or internet search the calories in every food. I weigh around 84-5 pounds and I refuse to eat anything over 10 calories, or I just don't eat at all.

My bathroom scale has become my new drug. I weigh myself daily, sometimes several times. 86 pounds is my limit. I watch commercials for food with disgust and get angry when passing fast food restaurants. I hate cooking shows and Food Network and Cooking Channel. If I eat in front of others, afterwards I try to either poop it out, throw it up, or work it off with exercise.

Being unemployed, broke and lonely has made my eating habits and depression worse. I am on an anti depressant that makes me lose weight, although many make you gain weight. The medicine helps to an extent, but my life the way it is right now , doesn't help. Many times I'd rather be dead, than miserable, but I know I need to think positively, it's not forever and when God closes one door, he opens another.

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