inbetween

inbetween
2017-08-08 00:25:35 (UTC)

When I was in highschool I started ..

When I was in highschool I started realizing there were faults in the identity I had constructed for my self since early years, and spent the last half trying to rebuild after having slowly cracked under the doubts and fears. But before that, and even somewhat during, I was also ambitious and daring. I miss being that person.
I was scared yes, but only of people's opinion of me. I was otherwise convinced that I could achieve almost anything I set out to do, and I made things happen. Some of them are now embarrassing memories and proof of my immaturity back then, but they were still achievements and valuable experiences. I had a drive and a burning want to accomplish my goals and to show off my skills.
Today I have grown so insecure and latent. I just can't seem to get myself out of this rut. It's a recurring theme in this diary:
Why don't I achieve my goals when I know it is possible? Why don't I do the work? Why do I let fear holde back?
Maybe at some point I overstepped my boundaries so much that wh re before I had felt insecure yet still capable enough to make an attempt, now I didn't feel capable at all? I did after all move across the country to a big city. Everything was new and very different, the people were different. I saw many limitations, not to mention my competition! I felt reduced, incapable and slowly paralyzed.
I know I can be that daring, capable girl, now a woman. All I have to do I set one foot in front of the other. I know that despite skill I will still face challenges due to inherent qualities I can't change in myself. But that's going to be the same wherever I go. So I can't let those qualities hold me back now. I should charge! I have the plan, I have the means (some of them at least) and I have the mind and connections already!
I need a fucking shrink. Maybe that person could untangle this mess I have made of myself. What's really holding me back? The answer is probably not as simple as I would like it to be.




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