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Adrian is a Fascinating Specimen (lol he's a person, self, don't treat him like a rat even if that's more fun)
"Debra" by Beck [lovin' the falsetto and the bass bro]
August 7, 2017 Monday 3:31 PM
Adrian thinks too much. He tries too hard to be Someone Like You. Tries hard to relate and then relates his relation to you. "We are alike, me and you," is what his words are sometimes. Not literally, but that's the gist I get.
"I'm sad," you could say, and he's say, "I get sad sometimes too." Or, no, bad example?
"I'm anxious because my mother might be dead," is an extreme thing. "Oh, man, one time I was anxious when my piano teacher died," he might say. His piano teacher DID die and it might have made him anxious, but somehow the admission seems inappropriate. Maybe that's just my own problems peeking out. Like, whenever someone mentions death, I'm tempted to bring up Elise but I don't. Mostly because when someone is talking about death, it isn't about your experience, it's theirs. It doesn't matter that you relate—keep away from the personal stories for now.
I guess it's only natural to want to connect with another person, to share in the positive and negative emotions. I guess in that way, Adrian is just extremely human.
That doesn't make me less human. I want the same things as he does. I just don't behave in the same way.
I dunno. But the whole, "I am like you, I understand," thing that Adrian does, there's something a little desperate in it. That's okay. I mean, the whole point of this is that I don't think Adrian is any more desperate for human contact than anyone else. I just think he doesn't hide it very well. I feel like he MIGHT argue that he isn't trying to hide it, but I think he sort of is. Everyone tries to hide it. Another human thing.
There's this other thing Adrian has. He wants to, like, be vulnerable without being vulnerable, and that desire is somehow even more vulnerable than honesty. With honesty, you've got a guard up—got yourself prepared for the reaction to truth. But being vulnerable in a sidelong way? It's a porous shield. When someone gets through, it's more of a (terrible) surprise.
Like, take this little chunk of communication:
(OK, some backstory. Before I left for Lake Tahoe/Livermore, Adrian was on a trip. The last stop on this family trip was in Providence, AKA my future home, lol. Point is, he took the bus all the way back to our home city. But this bit of text takes place like... 30 minutes ago, lol, in which we reference the aforementioned event.)
(Also please appreciate the fact that this conversation has been difficult to transfer to this diary because ADRIAN is TEXTING ME NONSTOP about VINEGAR. No lies. He's talking about spaghetti and shit. How it's "better than good sex" or something. I'm pretty sure he only says that now bc he's an experienced sexer who has had the sex on multiple occasions, lol. But yes he is indeed ranting about high quality vinegar. "I want to open up a salad dressing store in Italy." Every time he sends a text it drags my phone screen down to the bottom of our conversation and i have to find my place again. Oh my googogod.)
(I also found out my grandma was a gifted child and so was my dad??? Like he was literally ina. Gifted program??? And he didn't ever mention it ?????????????)
Also I like seeing him interact with my grandparents
We need to hang out typing is hard
Yup for sure a midnight walk prob
But we can adventure as well, also
I BOUGHT A GRA LOCAL MULTIPLAYER GAM IF YOU WANNA PLAY ME AT IT
local multiplayer being cool cause if you want to talk shit, you gotta talk it to my FACE
yes can we?! I have to do some hw for like 2 hrs but then yes
I took a car buss and a taxi to get back to NY from rohd island once I heard you hadn't left for cali yet that one time right before you left
I got some stuff to do
But I'm proud cause totday I already
CLEANED MY ROOM DID THE LAUNDRY FINISHED A SONG AND FINALLY SUCCESFULY ENROLLED IN UALBANY
[context: Adrian deferred his acceptance to Pratt Institute in NYC for a year for reasons that aren't quite clear. Oh that rhymed! Anyway I guess he'll be taking some classes at UAlbany in the meantime?? OK continuing]
And I made a list
I'm so satisfied wi myself rn
I thought you took the bus back to say bye to Kay? [Kay left a few days after I went to Cali to move down to Florida where she'll be going to Florida Tech]
Ok dude talk to u later math time
But I could've waited till my parents drove back
Cause she wasn't going as soon as you
So mostly I did that stuff for that reason
But I came back
You could've waited???
For some reason I thought you would stop talking to me caus u know
Sometimes that happens
But no worries
lol I inspire abandonment issues.
I got to say bye to Kay
Haha it's true
[as these texts are going on, I start to realize that before I left for Cali, I was barely texting Adrian. I didn't feel good for some reason so I didn't really talk to anyone, honestly. When I finally made myself hang out with friends, I regretted it, returned home feeling shitty as if I'd just come down from smoking weed, but we were being totally wholesome—none of us smoke, at least not anymore—so idk what the fuck is up with that.]
I just didn't feel like talking at that time
But as always it doesn't last forever
I don't mind getting abandoned if it's not permanent
In fact, I sort of like having a period without someone and then they come back
And I sort of do it to other people when I don't have a break from them
In the past I was confused tho, I thought you where never gonna speak to meh again, and I waz sad
but at the end of this year I was like, naw, she just is more upfront then most about not wanting to hang out
Whereas I usually pretend like I do always but then make an excuse or something to spare feelings
Here is free adventure time gif to aid with the math taking
*sends me a series of Fin pics and gifs, one of which says "mathematical", lol*
Now, folks, onto the analysis of this text chunk.
As you can see, this is Classic Adrian. Well, I can see it, I dunno if you can.
As usual, Adrian tries to push the weight of vulnerability onto his past self as if he's grown past a particular emotion or event. When he says that he, at the end of the year, figured out that I wasn't going to abandon him forever, that is either the full factual AND emotional truth or he KNOOOWS it but can't shake the fear and chooses not to say so.
The reason I say this is because he has said the same thing many times before about different situations. Approximately six months ago, he said, in reference to Isaac's inability to handle my on-and-off (I like to call it "independent" thank u very much) nature, "Yeah, I used to feel anxious about it too, but I figured out that's just what you're like."
Notice how that's basically the same thing he said above except for now he's saying he only figured it out in June. My theory is that Adrian actually does indeed know I am frustratingly independent by nature, but he's still afraid I'm going to stop being friends with him. This is why he doesn't weirdly desperate things when I am emotionally distant. Like taking a 4 hour bus ride back from a Rhode Island family vacation just to see me before I go on MY family vacation. Even though I already told him I probably wouldn't have time to hang out. Also, one time a couple years ago, Liv and I were at my house and we told him we were hungry. Something like an hour later, his mom drops him off at my house with a tupperware full of spaghetti and meatballs, lol. That was... weird. He's a little less severe now??? I guess??? I still think the whole bus ride thing was weird. I hope he has miraculously gotten rid of that crush he has on me.
I predict that maybe in a few months or a few years, he will tell me that he recently figured out that sometimes I don't talk to him and it's nothing personal. I predict that this statement will hold as much truth as the others.
Slanted vulnerability. Pushing off the fear, saying it belongs to a version of him that no longer exists. He's still scared, though.
I mean, who am I to judge? I try to be honest, but I'm not as honest as he thinks I am. I'm sure I didn't tell him I didn't feel like talking to him a couple weeks ago; I'm sure I said something like, I'm busy or I'm tired, both of which were true but were not the source of my silence.
Ok, self, so here's the deal: don't judge. Just recognize. Don't wish for him to be any different, just notice the patterns in his behavior and be content with them unless they seem unhealthy or are SUPPPERRR fucking annoying.
OK self I think I can do that. I won't be perfect. Sometimes he will upset me just by being himself. But I will try. THanks for the pep talk.
No problem, self. Love you.
Love you too, self.
Okay, hi guys. Sorry. Doing coupley stuff with my self, lol.
Anyway, so yeah, Adrian likes to pretend it is his past self who was emotional. His current self is too grown up for that shit or whatever, idk. He also likes to assert the fact of his empathy? Does that make sense? He likes to make it reaaaal clear that he almost always understands your pain. Which is kind of annoying. Shit, I passed judgement! Ahem.. I meant to say.. Well, I meant to not say that last part, haha.
Finally, is an emotional being who is trying his hardest to grow into someone better at all times, as we all are. He is not always the best as recognizing his own repetitive and/or self-destructive behaviors (cough, like that time he dated that girl who would keep him up all night talking or those times he would just fucking drink a ton of alcohol). But he's not that angsty and overall he's Kool.
Adrian is approved. He was already approved. OK, but he's officially approved now, lol
Want some cocktail tips? Try some drinks recipes over here