My Journey To Happiness
So last night i told jenny that i had been out with Joe in the past and that i had lied to her for the amount of time we had been together i also told her that my mum didn't know that i was seeing her. The whole journey has been a battle for me knowing that i'm in love with a girl that i want to spend the rest of my life with a girl and that my future may be different than what i thought it was going too be at 14 years old when i pictured my whole future. This just seems better shes my best friend as well as the love of my life and i have never felt love like it. She picks me up when im down and really wants the best for me. Before all this i didnt know what would become of me and Jenny i didn't know she would change my life i didnt know that i would ever have to tell her and lie to her about everything and now i have come clean about it i doubt that she will ever trust me again. I feel like she hates me and if she never speaks to me again then i just want the best for her and if thats not me then i have to deal with that. Im having a hard time with realising that this is her decision and i am the one that hurt her and i need to respect her if she does decide this is the best thing to do. Right now i couldnt feel worse i have my mum not accepting the fact that im in love with a girl ive just told everyone every detail about her and how happy she makes me and then now i may not have her at all its a lot to deal with. ive put my phone away to help give her that time and space and ill go back to it later on tonight i need to learn that this my fault and that what will be will be and i will be okay becuase ive got through hard times before. She needs to know she will always be my best friend and that i will always love her becuase right now nothing does compare to her and its her that makes me happy. i hate that im the one thats hurting everyone becuase i cant deal with the issue of loving a girl myself and i dont want to lie to her anymore i could of carried on living a lie and being happy with her but is that really being true to myself? she says that she doesnt know who i am anymore and that she thinks im a stranger but im not when i have been the most real is when ive been with her the people that havent known me these pasts months are my friends and family becuase they were the ones that didnt see me for who i really am. im hoping thins get better and im just going to live everyday as it comes. i need to not beat myself up as it will lead me to an early grave i need to just do what makes me happy and give her space and time and i hope one day we can look past this and move on in our future.
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