All that is
a few things happened today. ..
a few things happened today.
So Nkem just called me. the fucker. The one who i was supposed to meet on Tuesday. I left him a voice note in which i said 'i just washed your hoody so it's nice and fresh and i can give it back to you tomorrow'. then i said, speaking, of (referring to our plans to meet), what is the plan for tomorrow, i know we said around 7, but where are we meeting and do you have some place in mind? I waited for a response. Bear in mind i sent this message around 6/7ish, expecting to receive a rsponse that same evening right? how hard can it be? but this nigga didn't get back to me. then i say to myself ok maybe he fell asleep late into the night it can happen. i'll hear from him tomorrow. tomorrow morning comes and for hwere? nothing. I wait until the afternoon thinking maybe he's one of these impromputu las minute tyypes who'll text an hour before to say ok i'm on my way. but considering we hadn't pinned down what time or where we'd be meeting, it still seemed unlikely. so by 5/6pm , i finally accepted that the window which he'd have emailed me had closed, and that we weren't going to meet. I at least expected some kind of cancellation from him. but nothing. no phone call nothing. really poor form. disrespectful. i think had this been a couple of years back and this kind of behaviour from a guy, i might have made some kind of excuse for him and messaged him to ask whether we'd be meeting still to which the prick guy would probablyrespond 'nooo, i'm so sorry i should messaged you' leaving you looking and feeling like a mug. but with this nigga, i think because of the way i'm currently feeling, compounded with being left hanging by spe, asrji, and proabbly one other i'm sure i'm forgetting, i coudln't do it, and yes i felt like a bit of a mug but I said let me carry my life and go. because whatever his reason it'll never change the damage done which is that i feel like an afterthought, not that important. something that you can pass on and not give even a heads up.
so when i answered the call, i gave him the 'who's this' - yes its cliche, but effective. and he said 'it's me' which I thought was very rich of him 'it's me' kmt get the fuck out of here. the assumption that he's in my inner circle and is worthy of my knowing him on a certain intimate level. cunt. i know i'm cussing for something that doesn't seem that bad, but the disrespect is real and i felt it. so fuck him. anyway, i eventually 'remenered who he was' and said 'sorry i didn't save your number'. and he said 'oh'. then he began his aplogoy speel. he was suppoesd to call me, he said, he wanted to call me on Tuesday night because we were gonna meet then he 'didn't get round to it' then he forgot and when he remembered again he didn't quite get around to it. i purposefully refrain from responding, so that awkward long silences ensue that he stutters to fill. then i say 'i left you a voice note and even asked what time we'd meet and where and you idn't get back to me.' annoyingly it wasn't delivered as coolly as i'd imagined in my head. but i pressed on. then in response he said, 'i know i know i'm sorry, that wasn't cool, a lot of people tell me that i'm really bad with messages...' again i allow a silence to linger. i don't fill it. then he realises i'm not gonig to fill it and asks 'what have u been up to today? etc. then we talk, and i don't show any particular kind of hostility, i chat freely as i normally would, but again not filling the silences and leaving him to do all the questioning. then i make sure to be the one who ends the conversation. i say 'i have to go, cos a friend is on their way over' or some such bullshit. he responded 'oh'. and then we said bye and that was that. Do i plan on making arrangments for us to meet again? absolutely not. would i meet him
funnily enough when i got his call, i wasn't excited like i might be if lee called. or someone else like spe. in fact when his call started ringing through, i looked at the name and thought 'who is this?' and then i felt a pang of annoyance when i remembered who it was.
if i were a girl he really liked, he would have not missed it. and if he couldnt make it for wahtever reason he'd have cancelled prior. now to come and say 'hey i forgot' even tho he called is just poor form. can u imagine? how can i get with someone like that tho? because the thing is, even if you and him meetup and start dating or whateer, he'll never respect you. and i apply the same principle ot all the others hence why i haven't called any of them or 'followed' up' cos what would be the point. i don't like being second best. i want to feel special, and it think the person worth dating will do that. the person i date will be the person who can't believe his luck. as cliche as that sounds. he'll chase after you relentlessly. he'll spend his time and energy and money on you. but mostly his time. i think of cm and how he was with me when we first started seeing eachother. he'd call all the time, text all the time, email all the time. full 360 attentiveness. not this fuckery of not replying and then forgeting to meet up ?? can you fucking imagine?? and he's not even that gorgeous.
I'm glad i ddin't show much annoyance when we talked on the phone. because if i did, then i imagine someone like him would derive some sort of sense of manly pride, that the woman was still pissed off. and he'd be like 'oh shes not talking to me cos she's pissed at me.' i think it's far more satisfying to appear to be calm and balanced, while still refusing to meet up should he ask. cos that way, he'd think well she doesnt seem to be angry at me, we spoke and had what seemed like a pleasant conversation but she won't meet up with me. then again, going by the behaviour he displayed i doubt he even cares so whatever. The other thing is that when we were hanging last weekend, i spoke to him in my nigerian accent, as i do all or most of my nigerian friends. I don't do it consciously but i've noticed that it's something i do with fellow nigerians i'm looking to forge a bond with - a bond that goes beyond the kind the british language andn way of interacting allows you to form. and today on the phone with him, again totally unconscioulsy (for the most part, until i realised i was doing it at least), i spoke to him in my telephone voice. I hope he picked up on it. he's out. and the reason i'm wriiting about it like this cos it's such a shame because i had so much fun kssing him.
whatever. i'll give his stupid hoody (which i'm currently wearing as i write lol) to ezne to give back to him.
The strenght i had to do him cold like that also comes from the fact that I just feel like I spend so much of my time and energy solving other people's problems, engaging with them on an emotional level and it never really gets reciprocated. And I don't think this is an issue i've ever acknolwedged before, well mostly because I didn't see it as an issue. but now i can feel some stress and i think some of it is down to this. the other thing that set me off with an attitude of no fucks, is shy sinal. i worked on the set of a music vid a few weeks ago, and it was for the unknown indian musician unknown here at least. but apparently well known in india (somethign i think is a lie because his instagram accoutn looks like he pays for followers and buys likes)... he's not that great, has this weird effeminate look about him. anyway, i didnt speak with him much during the shoot but i thought id email him and ask if he'd like the photos, wiht the intention of forging a good relationship for more business at some point. and so long story short, i eventually sent him the photos yesterday. despite some mild hesitation. hesitation which i now see that i should have paid more attention to. he didn't so much as acknowledge my photos or even say thank you. not once. never said please. not once. he behaved as if he were entitled to them. as if he'd paid for them. he even rushed me. but as soon as i sent them and i asked him let me know what he thought - even asked if he'd seen the images, he saw my message and ignore it. everyone i've ever sent something to has said 'they loved it' or something. but this guy, nothing. it made me so mad. i was also annoyed at myself. why didn't i follow my own instincts? my instints said this guy is a prick. he doesn't appreciate your work/craft/effort. what a tosser. I should have at least asked him to pay. it made me see the ugly side of being nice. its made me so mad and whenever i think of it. to try and unpack why it's made me angry, it's not that he didn't pay me because i ddin't ask him. but it's that zero appreciation for my kindness and my work that's made me mad.
i'm probably more mad at myself to be honest.
This is an update to my previous note. I forgot to highlight a few important points regarding the photos I shared with you:
1. Please be aware that I hold full copyright to all the photographs i sent you. This means that you are required to seek my permission should you wish to use my images publicly and commercially. Only after I have granted you permission will you be able to use post them online, or share them with a third party.
2. Kindly confirm receipt of this note
If there is anything you wish to clarify, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thank you.