peachblossom

top secret
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Ezoic
2017-08-03 04:07:32 (UTC)

puberty

when i hit puberty at 11 years old i was self conscious of my growing breasts that looked like small cones poking out of my shirt. i always hunched over to make sure it wasn't very visible to other men. what i realize now is that i was self conscious because i did not want other men to know that i am grown up. i did not want them to view me as someone who has reached "womanhood" (a word that i've heard often wrt menstruation, but i really mean "adulthood"). i could not process all these thoughts at 11 years old but i did not want to be taken advantage of and the thought of men thinking of me in a certain way scared me.
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when i was 15 years old i was walking home from the library and i was honked at twice by older men and another man took a picture of me from their car. i was wearing a full length turtleneck and some shorts with sandals and a baseball cap. i felt sweaty and ugly and gross yet men still felt the need to make me feel violated and uncomfortable. we can never win. if you dress with skin showing they will harass you. if you dress with no skin showing they will harass you. if youre fat they will harass you. if youre skinny they will harass you.
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my race makes me seem more "exotic" to men and so they question me about it. an older man at my friend's church asked me and my other half asian friend "what" we are. i didnt know his name and he didnt know why. he just wanted to see in what ways we were not white. he said his daughter is half filipina. i hope he doesn't other her like he othered us.
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now i am going into college. im staying at a dorm. worse things than catcalling and other forms of harassment can happen in college. im glad that my university is taking initiative to fight against it, but the bystander training i feel won't help people break out of their "i'm not a snitch" attitudes.
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womanhood comes with all sorts of experiences from all sorts of women. we're usually not prepared to face the darkness of our surroundings at a young age as it's an uncomfortable subject to address to children. we have to learn as we age. we have to learn the hard way--through experience and listening to other's stories.
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and all of this, i believe, is why i feel guilty and sad when my partner calls me a "slut" during sex. it causes me to remember that i don't want to grow up. i'm only going to be a minor for a month longer. after that, it will no longer hold some men back from assaulting/harassing me because i'm of age. some were already willing, and it's sickening. i wish i would be considered a minor just a little longer. women need to carry the burden of being responsible for their own lives in more ways than you could imagine.
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i'm safe now and i just need to push through and inspire other young girls.
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#scummanifesto


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