All that is
today i started off feeling really shitty. Like no hope shitty. I wonder whether all this wd i been smoking has anything to do with that. I mean for the last 2-3 weeks i've spent almost every night high. it makes u feel foggy the next day. gets you super deep in your feelings. and normally that' ok, but if you're like me and you'e prone to bouts of low mood and depression, it can have a massively debilitating effect. and I can feel that. However I came away from it today it seems. I've made progress on some of the things that i just seemed to not be able to do,no matter how simple. as simple as making a simple phone call or sending a two sentence email acknowledging someone's response to something i'd shared. I think I need to take my mental health more seriously. I mean i'm 28. this is the time when i ought to me laying down solid foundations. i can't piss it away feeling low. and by taking it more seriously i mean i need to talk to someone. a therapist. someone. who's trained. i suffer from low mood and depression and probably always will and i need to find a way or ways to manage it so that I'm still productive. like it;s really important.
I can see greatness again. I think. I want to start an online content platform.
I will begin by creating some short form content pieces below that are provocative and redefining in their approach to the genre and the subject matter. a mixture of worlds. with barbershop piece, it's influenced there'll be stylised because of the performance aspect almost like a music video elements. It'll have a fictional element because of lighting and sound. It'll have a documentary element because it's still grounded in real life:
Sports dance performance piece
fencing the art of it
When I've built a body of work with a team, i'll pitch the idea of starting a cross-platform content studio/content house for Film, Television, Branded Entertainment, Music and Commercials.
I need to actually get an editor though. I thought i found one when bn and i connected but i don't know. he's good and he can edit however i haven't actually seen anything from him yet. I don't even know if he's started. I know we said we'd wait to film dylma and her brothers and to be fair that's been the main hold up. but i get the sense that he likes me - or that he wants to try it with me at least. and i don't kow whether his helping out on this project is predicated on my accepting his lowkey advances.
That said, back to mental health. I need to begin my disseration and i think that's whats getting me down. i don't think academia is for me to be honest. I'm intelligent but academia has a way of causing me to spiral into depression. this is what happened at csm as well.
I'll be honest, the fact of turning 28 recently - today is the last day of july, and my bday month is gone. my next bday i'll be 29. and what will i have to show for it? that's my thinking what do i have to show? for all the years i've been on earth. i think that's what part of my depression is down to. the other thing is being 28, two years before i turn 30. that's mad. and even though I don't heavily subscribe to the idea that a woman has to be married by the time she's 30, i do feel a sense of 'time running out'. whether that comes from my mummy and her tireless campaign or whether that has always been there, i don't know. But yes, i would like to meet someone who can handle me. god i have so much trouble expressing exaclt what it is i want to say wen it comes to this topic. wat i mean is that i'm ready to meet someone. no wait not even i'm ready cos that makes it seem like i wasn't ready before. I mean i was (although i'll confess after breaking up with cm, i had the hoe-iest time i've ever had. I think i slept with almost as many guys between breaking up with cm and now, as i have done since i started having sex aged 19, and i won't lie i was having fun too wasn't interested in holding anyone down, but now after leaving someone's bed i'm starting to feel that all to familiar feeling of longing stirring in me) but currently im in a state of mind where if i meet someone, i'll probably be honest with them about my intentions of building something for the future etc. this fact that's also played a part in the people i'm now attracted to. looking at cm, i have no idea how i was ever attracted to him. and it just goes to show how my thinking and my gaze has shifted massively. now the guys i've liked of recent have almost all been naija/african except for L who's jamaican. It's also made me look at guys with money a different way. the fact of having success/money is suddenly attractive - not in a superficial way (at least that's what i like to think) but in terms of security. it's changed.
I need to go and cook rice.
Another thing worth putting down here is the fact that living in this house has no doubt contributed to the stress and lack of settledness i feel. i'm constantly on edge if i'm in the house, but i've just learned to deal with it. uni used to be the place i'd go to escape it but now i can't even relax there because the anxiety of not having done enough gets to me. also gb in the house. I mean he used to be the one on my side, and maybe he still is, i don't know. but considering that the last bout of stress and panic that i experienced in relation to my staying in this house, was essentially because of him and his advice to 'round up and make plans' which i followed. and i did this by telling sis M that i was going to move at the end of June. end of june comes and i'm still here with no plans, despite trying to make arrangments with jf and his uncle. i ended up speaking to sis m and being honest about my situation. and i left gb out of it. cos i don't konw why i was speaking to him anyway it's not his house. and everytime i got a call from him my heart would skip a beat because i wouldn't know what news or development he was about to share. but the funny thing is that wen i spoke with sis m she was actually really ok. such a contrast from the pic that gb painted of tensions mounting and mouths whispering - that family members were going to be coming during ramandan and they'd be asking quesitons. When i spoke to her she was really cool (whether or not that's how she genuinely feels is not my place to question and i'm taking her words at face value).
speaking of not being my place to question. I'm too empathetic and too quick to read between the lines of what someone is saying. I think i'd have a much happier and stress-free life if I just took people's words at face value (obvsiouly within reason). But if someone says 'yes thats ok' rather than thinking 'ok but what do they really mean?' rather than saying 'hmm she's saying its ok, but going by her behaviour i can tell its not' i should just go ahead and take it at face value. Obvs those thoughts don't go away but i should decide to take it at face value. Because a lot of the times, whatever i'm second guessing and whatever i think i'm sensing between the lines of what he or she is saying, may not even have to do with me. it's nothing to do with me. and if i accept what they've said at face value when in fact they meant something else that they expected me to perceive and act on, then that's entirely their fault. it's not my job to decipher your codes. also that's setting myself up for failure because i'm giving them a margin to speak in codes and i'm putting the pressure on myself to decipher that code. Maybe that's why i sometimes find it hard to relax in the presence of people i don't know very well. or people who i seem to have built a fast connection with in a short space of time. it actually stresses me out. I tihkn that's a habit i need to change. decisiveness is another thing. jeeeez. i need to be more decisive. the thing with me is that i like to wait to see 'what could emerge naturally' rather than saying 'ok this is the direction i'm going to take' part of the reason for that is the fear that the decision i'm making may not be the right one, or that i won't like the option i'm choosing on the menu. but i need to accept that that is part of fast decision making - it comes with risks and that means the possibility of hating the dish you order at the restaurant. In my defence though it's also because i like to be absolutely sure. so that even if it does come and i don't like it, then at least i can say i made that decision. as opposed to making a decision when you're not entirely certain and the experiencing that double feeling of regret because A, it's shit and B, you almost avoided it if only you'd spent a little longer pondering.