What I Know, Feel, Think, Dream, and Realize
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2017-07-30 00:38:56 (UTC)

I hate this.

I hate this so much. I hate living in this house. I hate my previous house. I hate who I live with. I hate this damn life where nothing ever changes. I hate feeling alone and sad to the point that I'm angry that I feel alone. Can you believe that? I get so sad that I become mad. I hate being too scared to do something about my situation. I hate that my mom plans on kicking me out because she won't be getting child support money from my dad. God I hate that bastard too. Ditching my brothers, my sister, and my mom, and me. I don't know why I miss that fucking asshole. He never treated any of us right. He'd get drunk to the point where we'd have to lock ourselves in rooms so he wouldn't hurt us. He'd spend more time out of the house than with our family. But as soon as the divorce happened he changed. He stopped drinking and has cleaned himself up. He looks like an actual father. Why couldn't that be my dad? Why was I stuck with a drunk asshole? But yet I'm happy he changed for his new son. He's younger than me and it's great knowing he's not suffering with a drunk alcoholic dad, but damn it, why'd it have to be my dad? He thinks apologizing for leaving would help everything. All my brothers moved out and I was left with my mom who was forced to get a job, my sister who had to quit college and work so I was alone. Then we moved into a crappy crack-house with two rooms meaning I had to sleep in the living room. The house was rat infested and it was freezing in the winters. I lived a hard life struggling with house work and school work and being alone.AN apology will never remove those painful times. My dad later invited me to Disney Land. I was so happy, though we had our fights and arguments, I thought some time with him would make everything better, but the fucking bastard took his child and wife. Fucking asshole. I thought it would be us. Why wasn't just us? Why did he have to remind me off the divorce and pain? The worst part was when I'd ask him for something, he'd treat me horribly. He'd be mad because I was "wasting" when in reality I brought little money because I didn't want to take much money my mom was giving me. But when it came to his son why isn't even his own flesh and blood, whatever he wanted, my dad gave it to him. No questions asked. I wasn't even his son anymore. The whole trip was terrible and I was happy when I got home. And now work is so stressful to my mom and money is so important and a necessity to her that she's throwing me out of the house when child support stops coming in. She never has time for me or any family stuff. I'm just stuck being alone in my room. And I really try looking for a job, but nobody anywhere wants to hire me. Hell I even lie in resumes and that doesn't work. I don't know what to do or even what to think. I don't even know why I'm typing this if I'll just forget it eventually. We anyway, thank you to whoever read this and sorry