✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-07-26 19:17:19 (UTC)

Setbacks

Dear Reader,

The roof is about to blow off the top of the house...

Last night, grandma finally noticed E wasn't home, and it was about 1:30 in the morning.
His friend that lives up the road walks down to our house at night, and they hang out here, smoke, eat all of our food, and then he takes him home. It's usually early in the morning when they leave, and then they stay at his house for a few hours, and then he comes back.
He's been doing this for weeks, and has never been caught.

She got up, and looked for him, and realized he wasn't here, and called him. She was furious, and demanded he come home.
She had to call him another time, because he was fooling around. He eventually came back, and that's when I put my ipod on the charger, and tried to sleep.

They fought and yelled for two and a half hours. I managed to fall half asleep, but the noise kept me disturbed.
Of course E couldn't understand what he had done wrong, and why he was in trouble.

What do you MEAN taking your car without permission, leaving the house without permission, sneaking off to stay at a friend's house without permission, at 1:30 in the morning is wrong! What do you MEAN I'm in trouble!

And so, he decided he wanted to go back to his friend's house to spend the night. At first it they told him no, And then, they told him he could walk, and he wasn't taking the car. He starts pitching a fit about why can't he drive, why don't they trust him with the car, he promises he wasn't going to go anywhere with it, why can't he just take it.

He eventually got his way, because Papa is sick, and he needed sleep. So they let him go.

So, after he left, R went and got the weed and bong he had stashed in their room, and showed grandma.
Grandma of course was upset about it. She took it, and hid it.

She told me this morning that she's not going to confront him about it while papa's sick, because he doesn't need to be getting upset.
I just wish they had've put it back, because they took pictures.. and confronted him about later..

Because now he's noticed that it's gone, and he's been looking for it.
He can't confront them about it, because he doesn't know for sure if they have it, and he'd basically be telling on himself if he does.

I know it's going to cause a massive argument at some point, and I'm honestly so tired of it.

I don't care that he smokes weed, but I do care that he does it in our house, and keeps it at our house. And I do care about where he's getting it from, and you know, safety and if the weed has been tampered with, and the type of people he's around.
I know because of the laws, and the way it's viewed in society, there's no way to have a 100% safe access to it.
I just want him to be careful. And I do care that it's illegal, and he could get into so much trouble if he were caught.

The last two weeks have been crazy, and hectic.

The Sunday/Monday before last, I helped Danny paint his porch. Then, I cleaned the bathrooms that Friday.
Then Last Monday-Wednesday, I helped Rhonda with her grandbaby. I spent Thursday with them, and we went to town.
Then last Friday, I started painting the kids' rocking chair for Amanda, and stupid me didn't put on sunscreen.

I got sunburned soooooo bad. Mainly on my back, and my upper right arm, and my knee and down my leg.
Saturday, I painted the chair again, but had to stay in the shade. I managed to get one coat of color on it, and had to stop for the day.
I was going to finish it on Monday, but Danny came over, and brought Maria.
I decided to stay in with them.

Maria.. I don't know. The last two times she's come over to visit, she doesn't act like she likes me as much as she used to.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting any of the kids to like me.. I just hoped that they would, and it was such a nice surprise to be liked and loved by her that it changed my life, and she makes me so happy. It's been so awesome watching her grow, and learn, and talk, and walk.. and make her laugh, and smile... I loved being one of her favorite people.. And for some reason, I think I'm not anymore.
I still love her the same, and I always will love her.. but it was just nice to be that for a little while. I guess I'm just disappointed that it didn't last.

So, I got sick Monday too.
And I'm still sick today. I've been eating cough drops like candy.
Throat hurts, I'm congested, coughing, feel like garbage.

So.. I'm sick, sunburned.. and because of the last two weeks, I have barely been able to clean the house.
The month is almost over too, and I was so ready to just jump right in this week, finish the chair, and deep clean the house, but then with the sunburn I barely could move, and then being sick I don't have the energy, and I feel so dizzy and light headed.

My room is an absolute wreck.. finally managed to do laundry, and it looks a little better, but not much.
It's a nightmare in here, and I just haven't had time or energy to clean it either.

So.. my last entry was a little vague... but it was basically about Saturday.

I wanted to write this entry, and thought since I'm just in my room resting... I might as well since I have time to do it now..
But, as hard as it is to write about it.. I think I should...

Josh and I... haven't been okay for a long time.

And Saturday, I broke up with him.

It wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to break up.. I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want to lose him, or hurt him..

I want to be with him. I want it to work so fucking much...And I miss him so much. And I know that I'll regret letting him go.. God I loved him so much.. and this was the fucking hardest thing I've ever done.

but I just knew deep down it just wasn't going to work. I'm just not fit for relationships.. I have too many issues.. I have too many insecurities...

and monogamy is just so suffocating to me... I felt so dead, and deprived, and unwanted, and alone...

So, I've just come to the conclusion that I'm just not going to be monogamous... I can't handle it..I tried for so long to be..but I couldn't, and It's not fair to Josh.. so I'm done with relationships.

Intimacy was dead.. I hadn't kissed him in over a month.

Trust was gone... I couldn't open up to him anymore. I was too afraid to vent to him.. because of the arguments we had.. I wrote another entry about that called Toothpaste.


Communication was dead. We haven't skyped since Christmas, and that was for maybe 10-15 minutes, and that was the first time we had skyped in a long time.

He was busy, and away all the time. He barely had room for me... And on Saturday, he said "I don't have time to be on Facebook every day anymore, I just don't" and to me... he basically said "I don't have time to talk to you anymore, I just don't. "

Neither of us were happy.. I honestly don't understand why he even stayed with me as long as he did.. because all I did was annoy him.. I was just a burden really.
Sometimes I wished he would just dump me.. because it wouldn't have hurt as much as dumping him did..

Because I know he hates me.. I know he probably wishes he never met me...
Now he's gone.. and I didn't want to lose him.. but I know he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

He's gone through so much, and I didn't know how to help him. I didn't know what to do for him.. I don't think there was anything I could do..

The hard part about it is.. I know he'll probably find someone else, and fall in love again..
And I want him to be happy.. I want him to find someone..

But, I love him. :'( I want to be that... I want to be the girlfriend he deserved.. but I just didn't measure up.

But regardless.. I want him to be happy. It doesn't matter how I feel, as long as he's happy.

I never understood how in movies or books, when two people love each other, but they won't be together, and I never understood why.. I never understood why they would break up even though they loved each other. I never understood it until now.

Sometimes, just because you love someone.. doesn't mean a relationship is going to work.

And it sucks.. it fucking sucks, and I hate it so much.

I broke up with him, I'm the one who left... but damn it fucking sucked so much, because I know it hurt him. I hung onto him for so long, hoping things would just get better.. hoping things would go back to the way they were.. but how long would it have taken? Would it have ever happened? He shut the doors on me, and I shut the doors on him.. we shut each other out, and we stopped talking.. he was my best friend there for awhile. I could have told him anything without fear... but it changed...

And, I just put my face in my hands and just cried after I told him I thought we needed to break up.
I was so afraid he'd yell at me.. or unfriend me.. or both.

I cried... and because it was the middle of the day, I had to force myself to stop.. and I had to wipe my face.. but my eyes were still red.

Rhonda invited me to go to town with her, and I wanted to leave the house, so I did.

I know she could tell something was wrong, but she didn't ask.

And I really wish I could have told her. I wanted to tell her.. I wanted to tell her so much, but I couldn't tell her that I had just lost someone who I loved so much.. we just aren't that close. I have opened up to her a lot, but I don't think I'll ever be able to open up all the way.. as much as I wish I could.

I have never felt the void of not having parents as much as I have now as an adult, where I have no one to go to... and it's such a deep.. lonely void that can never ever be filled..


And here I am.. 20 years old, broke, single, no car, unemployed, no license, no house, no parents, too stupid for college...

And I have a house to clean, a chair to paint.. a porch to paint.. dealing with death.. dealing with a break-up..

And, I'm too sick, and sunburned, and emotionally fucked to do anything.

I just want to climb under the blankets and sleep forever.

Sincerely,
Me




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