Sweet Disaster
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2017-07-26 21:26:22 (UTC)

Background Info

My name is Raine. I'm currently 16, 17 in September. I'm graduating this year from hell! I'm 5'4 an African American with Spanish roots. I'm the pastor's kid and there are 6 of us including me. Everyone at the church expects me to be some perfect angel with straight As. My dad always tells me that I'm "the example at church" so basically whatever I do also reflects on him. I play 7 instruments and am smarter than average. Since my dad's a pastor, he has to travel a lot and do his pastoral visits so we never see him around as much. And to be completely honest with you guys, I'm not comfortable with him at all. When he goes in for a hug, I tense up and awkwardly pat his back. I'm closer to my mom because she's the one that is always there. She can be a bitch sometimes and it hurts but I get over it. So I had been the perfect child of theirs compared to all my other siblings. I went to a private school in the town that I used to live in from Pre-K to 1st grade and I loved it there I had so many friends and the atmosphere was very diverse. I'm always a year younger than everyone because I got into school early. But then my dad decided to move us to a more "white" area because where we used to live wasn't exactly the safest place to be. And so it was a new private school in 2nd grade and I'm a VERY shy person and I was what they call big boned.I had also just started dancing, so it was all new that year. It wasn't until 3rd grade that I noticed that I was the only black girl in my class. Two girls made it very clear that I was different. I have a big ass and they would walk behind me and put theirs out like mine and laugh. The whole class would laugh with them and the teacher never did anything about it. They called me "fat" and a "pig" and I started to believe them. There weren't any black girls in the class so I thought that they were right. I was shy, I didn't like sticking out so much. I like blending in with the crowd so no one notices me. One day it was pouring when we were on the playground, so when we came back into the classroom the teacher told us to take our socks and shoes off since they were drenched. I took mine off and one of the girls that always made fun of me, let's call her Grace, asked me what was wrong with my feet. And I asked her what she meant. Grace pointed at them and said that they looked funny because the bottom of my foot wasn't the same color as the rest of my body. That comment has always made me super self-conscious of my feet even to this day. I held back my tears that day and didn't respond back. My parents are African Spaniards so I had African food (it looks really weird but tastes really good) for lunch almost everyday. Grace and her henchwoman, Sarah, would says that I was eating poop and grab my food and throw it into the trash can. So for some days of the week I didn't have food for lunch. The teacher saw these things but never said anything, she didn't like me either. Those two girls made my 3rd grade experience terrible, they got me into trouble by accusing me of things that I never even did. I once had a crush one of the guys in our class, and I guess that they found out and they told him in front of everyone. He made a face and said he couldn't like someone who wasn't like him. Grace said "See, you're weird and ugly, no one could ever like you". I was so embarrassed and sad that I ran out of the classroom and into the bathroom and didn't get out until my teacher came in and yelled at me. The summer after 3rd grade, I began to hate myself so much for not being like them, for being fat, and most of all, I was ashamed of being black. I never told my parents what had happened in 3rd grade and they still don't know. Thankfully those girls weren't in my class in 4th grade, so I had a little posse of friends who loved to read as much as I did and we were cool. 4th grade was probably my favorite year in elementary because of them, but then my dad said we had a money crisis so I had to move to the public school that was in the area. And then again I was the new girl, but this time there were many black girls in my 5th grade class. To be exact there were 3 black girls and 2 white girls and the rest of the class were boys. So us girls stuck together and became good friends since there were only 6 of us. The school was very open to special ed kids so there was one in every teacher's classroom. The one we got had anger issues and his name was Rupert (not going to use real names) and he became overly possessive and obsessive of me. One day he threatened to get his cousin's gun an shoot me with it if I didn't sit next to him during lunch. I got scared and I didn't want to tell the teachers because I was scared that he would find out but my friends pushed me to tell the teacher, they came along with me. I found out that he had also been threatening my other white friend at the time, Maddie. We both went to the counselor for a week and cried and talked about our feelings and then they contacted our parents. So my mom is very scary when she gets angry and so she threatened to sue the school if they didn't do anything about it. So they had Rupert move to another class and he wasn't allow to talk to me and Maddie anymore. After that, I just thought that I was cursed somehow. I hated myself even more because of what he said. I thought of myself as weak and pathetic. In middle school, I dressed like a guy wear basketball shorts and t-shirts everyday because I told myself "why even try if you're ugly anyways?". In my dance class, my coach had told my mom that I needed to lose weight so that I got better at dancing and so that I could actually LOOK like a dancer. That put my self esteem even lower. I absolutely loved to dance and I was disappointed in myself for not looking like how a dancer had to look like. My mom agreed with my coach and put me on a very strict diet and made me exercise on the days that I didn't have dance. By the way, my mom was an Olympic track and field runner, so she's hella fit and intense. She would yell at me and say shit that made me cry at night, but after a few months I was loosing all the weight. By 8th grade I became "slim thick" because my ass wouldn't leave me. I toughened up by 7th grade and wouldn't let anyone see what I had inside. I also picked up the habit of cutting in the middle of 7th grade. I used to use one of those eyebrow shapers to create fine bloody lines on my wrists. I wore a jacket everyday of 7th grade and no one would question me so my secret was safe. There was a family at church that had gotten super close to mine and I was pretty close to the oldest (she's 3 years older than I am). She had an older boyfriend and her parents did not approve of him because of the age gap and because they are SUPER strict. Well she had me as her "backup" and "excuse" every time she was either talking to him or hanging out with him. And one day her family and her slept over at my house since they were homeless for about 2 weeks and the brother of her boyfriend slept over too. Her and I slept in the same room on different beds and next thing you know they were having sex on the bed right next to mine. I freaked out and told my parents. So that scarred me for life, I wasn't even a teenager yet. Anyways the oldest, Karen's ( the one who was friends with me) cousins from her dad's side started going to my dad's church. Her cousin, Andres, was a year older than I was but we were in the same grade and he had a younger brother, Jesus, who was my baby brother's age. When I first met Andres, I hated every cell in his body because he made one of my church best friends, Carmen, cry. And so I was rude to him and just couldn't stand him and he couldn't stand me either. But then tragedy struck and Carmen's dad died. At the time, I had never cry so hard, so much for someone. In her distress, Carmen's family left the church and she was banned from talking to me until a year after. My other best friend, Katy, left a few months after since her family lived very far from the church but we're still in contact. We've been friends longer than Carmen and I. So after they left, I had no one my age to talk to. I decided to give Andres a try, so I bugged him for his number and he FINALLY gave in and gave it to me. It was really awkward to text him but then we became friends and then I started developing feelings for him. A few months later we became best friends and were joined to the hip. So people at church started saying shit and saying how I'm not a virgin and Andres was my boyfriend and how my dad didn't teach inside of my house. We both got affected by it because my dad told us that we couldn't sit next to each other or talk or anything. So i got very frustrated so one day I used one of my friends to get me and Andres to hangout and never told my parents. I just told them that i was going with that one friend. And then later on they found out and said that Andres never respected me. That was the most untrue thing I had ever heard, so told him about the argument that we had and he felt bad so he told his parents and he never tells them anything! So him mom came to my house with him and we had a discussion which ended with me, Andres, and his mom in tears. But we worked everything out. So later, Andres started having a crush on one of the girls from church happened to be one of my long term friends. I got SO jealous. But I pushed my jealousy aside and I told him that I didn't approve because 1) she was older than him and in college 2) she was my friend and i didn't want to have to deal with their messy breakup and have to choose sides. I'll continue tomorrow. xo, Raine