All that is
when I think of thepople who have shaped me most in my life. I think of
when I think of jeff. his grace, his principledness, his intelligne, his poise. Sense of humour. his kindness, his patience, ,strenght. when i think of it now i wonder if i someties resent him because he possess traists that i aspire to have. bot just possesses but has in infinite amounts. i scramble aound for them, frasping at someti of them for a second or two before catching hem for a second before they blown awayt from your hand again. and those traists even when i do ffeel them for a second what its like to possess them, the always from from him anyway. his treth is unyielding, i can lean on him with all my weight and he'll still e there. As in hell carry his weight and yours im not just talking ou can talk to him nah, i mean that he'll carry his and y ours. that he'll show it he'll put his worlds where his mouth is.
Her confidence, her spirit, her strength.
Her patience, her kindness, jer eauty. her grace, jer compassion, where do i ebgin, she has been by my side from the very behinnning, she knows me inside out. if anything were ever to happen to her, i would never recover.
There were times during char'sl and i's relationship where at that moment, i had never loved him more than i did that moment.
do i still pander to wytns ? does the fact that when I imagine a scene whereby I'm doing something that captures and dazzles a room full of people people, the audience i picture are dotted with predominantly white faces? Does that mean that my gaze is still heavy skewed towards white or is that just cos of the fact that it's what we always see. in any award show that's not bet? But u could say that just because the faces imagined are white, doesn't mean that they pander. if someone's gaze is sknewed a certain way towards whiteness then that's because when whiteness surrounds your existance, every day how can u not adopt it? but then it's ok u can adopt it we all know we cna't help but adopt it and everyone can't help but be invested in whiteness whether they like it or not cos of the society we live and have to survive in, but u should still do the work of unlearning what you've adopted. so then are u saying that those whos gazes are skewed just haven't 'done the work'? and anyway what does that mena, what's the work consist of? is there a guidebook or a manual u can follow, are there boxes you have to tick? a test u have to pass? what the fuck is d'oding the work'? not everyone moves at the same pace. so i should be kinder to myself. everyone is invested in whiteness to some extent. and the fact that i imagine mostly white faces wen i fantasise about the moment i win my award for film in something or other, that's not something i can help. i'm not doing it consiously it's like a reflex where you assume the CEO will be white. it's a reflex. maybe not reflex. prejudice. reverse prejudice. no internalised prejufice. not reverse. reverse would be if those who tend to receive prejufice then swithc it up.
I noticed something about le the other day. he's very tidy. very clean. very polite and aware of his manners. i wonder where he gets it. it sounds like his family are quite a well=todo jamiacan family.
the way he fucke dme the other night has changed me. once ina blue moon, everyone has a fcuk that changes them somewho. like it catalyses the next phase of their evolution as a human in time. and i think this is what les fuck has done to me. lol. 'lee's fuck' that'll be the title of the chapter i devote to this phase of my journey. what ever this phase is anyway. the way he fucked me that night. chai. i've been in a daze this whole weekend.
We laid on the bed. facing eachother. he started talking about hte men's fucked. this one guy in particular he met when he was 18. The story of the guy went that le was walking back from the gym one afternoon. a guy stopped him and said ' u look familar' and they started to tlak. le said that at first he wasn't sure what was happening but after a couple of minutes he realsed he was being chirpsed by this guy. this guy was in his thirties at the time so he was quite a bit older thatn lee. so they asked eachohte rwhere they other lives and lee said he jumped in the guys car and they drove to the guys house. then as soon as tey walked int he door they started kissing. i remember getting turned on when eh told me that. the thought of the tow of them kissing without talking first tunred me on. he siad the guy gave him head. and i asked le if he came and he said yea, he came everywhere. and the guy even swalled it. i remember that part turning me on sooo o mcuh. this was the beninnign. we started ksising. it was hot as fuck. we started giving me that eye. like he was playing but he knew that i knew he was playying but we were in this act together. like mild role play. i think that's what i love abou thim i've hit the nail on the head. it's liek role play with him. any way i divert dgiress. i looked back at him innit. he starts looking at my body. he comes down and kisses me again. then as im kising him he says 'this is how m used to kiss. then he kisses me again and shows me how m used to kiss. i kiss him back. then he says this is how they used to rub their dicks. then he rubs his naked body on me, his hard on pressing on my clit. not fast, slow. he takes his time first of all he grazes me lightl with his hardon. then he puts more pressure and as he does this are privates touch. as this happens he looks at me and i look back. we start kissing some more and the rest is a blur. but i do remember moments. at one point not long after he showed me how he and m used to rub bodies. we were fucking so furiously, my head was hanging off the edge of the bed, and he was lying on top of me between by legs. and he was fucking so hard but so close to my face that both our heads hit the radiotor behind us and a couple of these magnetic decorations fell and hit the ground. it made a loud noise at two in the morning. and i remember feeling a sense of pride at the fact that our throes knocked some objects to the ground hollywood movie style. we continued. I also remembered him going down on me. before i knew what was happening what he was bout to do next, his head was already between my legs. he ate me. fuck thinking of it now.. he sucked and licked my clit. the way he talked too. so much smack. 'does anyone else fuck you like this?' 'you needed this didn't you' 'youve missed this dick haven't you' 'this dick knows you' 'you're so dirty' '....ur so nasty' 'you suck dick, don't you' 'yea, you suck dick'. the nastiest thing was that his dick was making me gag. like really making me convulse where the back of my throat would squeeze his tip, and that would take him near the edge and he would moan louder and throw his head back, and the expression of his enjoyment mixed with the feeling of his dick in my throat, would get so so wet. he even said at one point while i was sucking his dick, with genuine aroused surpirse 'fuck you're so wet' and i was. dripping, and he would pick it up wiht his finger and rub it upwards, pushing towards my clit. i was so close. but i didn't cum. i would have so loved it if i came with while i had his dick in my mouth and his finger on my clit. he kept saying as he was doing this, ' youre close aren't you'. it was so fucking erotic. I think that's what it is. having sex with him is truly erotic. not like what i once knew erotic to be with men. no but now i do. and because it's so ertotic i feel like i also experience it on a spritiual level. .
Monique Williams me too this nigga deep as fuck the put me on j soul and Elhae and black bear
the way hea sekd me when we sere wlking, whether i got tired at sone point. he asked it with a kid of surprised amusement to his tone. the suggestion was that he wasn't evn close to tired. that he could keep going. thta he so sexual.
i asekd lee to show me how he and the guy would kiss